Welcome to my website. In case you're new, you might care to know that the purpose of this site is to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere. And to have some fun.
Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)
There is a contest every two weeks when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive a free book written by myself and other prizes such as free food and drink from Larry's Dive, The Londoner and Bourbon Street Cafe. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting.
I will also add information to a column as I receive it or report on nightlife as I encounter it so check back now and again as there may be much new even within a week or ten days. And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).
If you'd care to contribute to aid the folks in the USA hit by Hurricane Katrina, please click into the NY Times list of legitimate aid organizations at the bottom of this page.
Frank of "Frank's Corner" Londoner Pub. You too can have lovely young ladies around. Just move to Thailand. (Frank is the one on the right)
Reports are pouring in that those Uzbekistan women are once again loitering about Walking Street in Pattaya, ready to snare any hapless male who is up for a bit of a tryst. They are regularly rounded up by the police and they regularly return like the swallows of Capistrano. Or the barn swallows of Patpong Road. Anyway, the local talent isn't happy to see them but I think they just add to the great tapestry that is Thailand, no?
The Big Mango, a pool bar, on the second floor of Nana Plaza, is open. It is, to say the least, in a rather difficult location but let's wish it the best. I was going to go last night but I ended up in Rainbow 1 and Rainbow 2. Then went into G-Spot which isn't bad but would be a lot better without the faggot with spiked hair (door person who hangs around inside) dancing on the floor between the stage and the customers. Why can't bar owners understand that while most straight guys have nothing against katoeys, gays, whatever, we really don't want them inside the bars we go to, especially the obnoxious types who like to get in your face. G-Spot has about 200 lights blinking away along the ceiling, some good looking dancers, and some fat dancers who should be told to shape up or ship out. Nobody pays to enter a bar and then be confronted by overweight dancers. If I wanted that I'd go to the Cactus Bar on soi Cowboy.
Sad news, indeed, if PJ has been let go by John (Boss Hogg). PJ is a pro and is always fun to have a beer with so, if it is true, here's hoping he stays in the scene.
Apache Bar opening on Soi Cowboy 1 September was a lot of fun. Table-top dancing, skimpy, very skimpy uniforms, an interesting upstairs with booths and curtains which can conceal the booths. More on this bar next column.
Notice what is going on at the Bangkok Post these days? You won't if you read the Post; to know what's happening at the Post you have to read the Nation. The interim editor, David Armstrong, has called some of his staff "cowards" and several dozens of the staff were dressed in black (did they borrow their black outfits from Demonia fetish club, I wonder?) to protest his firing of two senior editorial members over publishing wrong information about the cracks at the new airport and getting the paper sued. Sounds like the real cracks are at the Bangkok Post these days. But, as I have said all along, if you want to know what's happening at the Post and in the government, the Nation is the one to read. I say this despite its horrible decision to drop On The Tiles and the Expat Page. And whatever happened to the film column every Thursday? Rumor-Control Headquarters has it that the new Thai editor at the Nation found Phil Macdonald (who did those sections) "insubordinate." But people who are good at satire and satirizing the powers that be (which Phil is) are often "insubordinate." Otherwise, they wouldn't have the jaundiced eye to see things in a satirical light. So now the Nation is boring and the Post is overly cautious in criticizing the government. Anybody care to start a newspaper in Bangkok? Oh, well, we can always read the Pattaya Mail and Pattaya Today and see which transvestite stole money from which tourist, and how many farangs fell to their death from balconies this week.
What is the worst thing a woman can ask a man? Give up? The answer is: "Are you in?" I may have heard a woman say that to me once in my life during my college days but I am sure it must have been the poor acoustics in the room. I think she was saying, "You're too big!" because that sounds just like "Are you in?" right? Right?!
Help! Take me Home!
Whilst flying out from Gatwick, I noticed a rather lonely Phuket Air 747 sitting in the aeroplane parking lot. Phuket Air started a service last year flying to London Gatwick Airport. It was very well-priced, and the first reports of service were positive. Then there was an incident where passengers noticed fuel spilling out of the wing and refused to continue their journey. Both planes on that route were inspected in London, and both found to have faults. Their license to land in U.K. was revoked. There was then a report that one of the planes had been seized by the airport because landing fees were in arrears. It looks like it is still there. If it wasn't Thailand, I would think this was rather amazing. I don't know what 747s cost these days. Admittedly this one was apparently over thirty years old. But it still can't be cheap, and it's just sitting there, virtually abandoned.
I believe my host for this website is in the USA. And I think Americans have some kind of program that picks out words pertaining to terrorism such as "bomb" and "Jihad" and all that. So, being of unsound mind at 3 in the morning, it occurred to me that if I use those words in my column, then FBI agents will check out my column and by coming into my column they will raise my ratings on Alexa.com. So bear with me while I say, BOMB, SHARK, HORROR, KILL! There, that should get a lot of government officials clicking into this site. God, am I smart, or what?
Help Requested from Friends of the Late, Great Horny Toad Bar
I'm not sure if you could help me, but I wanted to know if you have any info on the owners of the Horny Toad who also owned a bar a few doors from there. The husband's name is Bill and his wife's name is either Oy or Noy. I met them while I was working in Singapore in 1971-1974, and my ex-wife and I took a few trips to Bangkok. We actually met them when the wife was in Singapore with a friend for the World Bowling Tournament. After meeting her, we visited Bangkok and they took us out for dinner and also to Pattaya. I was thinking of taking a trip to Bangkok in the near future and was wondering how to contact them. If you could be of any assistance, I would appreciate it. If you're still in contact with them, you could tell them it was Betty and Clifford Chin. Thanks. Clifford Chin firstname.lastname@example.org
My rep at the printer was taking a looong time getting back to me with a quotation for reprinting a book. So I sent him an e-mail and asked if he fell asleep in a rongram maan rood (love hotel). He replied, "How did you know?" Well, at least he has a sense of humor.
I read something interesting lately. It seems the line about Muslim men getting 72 virgins was mistranslated centuries ago and what it really said originally is that they will get 72 raisins. Why raisins? Apparently, they were a big deal over there at one time and a raisin was considered a delicacy. Isn't that great? The suicide bomber scumbags get to their heaven and they find not 72 virgins, but 72 raisins. I love it.
I have perceived that to be with those I like
To stop in company with the rest at evening
To be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing flesh is enough… Walt Whitman
From the above lines of Walt Whitman it does indeed sound like old Walt had quite a night on Soi Cowboy or in Nana Plaza. But maybe I’m reading into it? Still, where else could he be if he finds himself “surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing flesh” than in a place like Rainbow 1?
I checked out Nana Plaza very recently. Sitting at Lucky Lukes about 9 at night I was told by the girls that there just weren't many customers. That I could see with my own eyes. More customers at Big Dogs, as usual, but even there more girls than customers. In Rainbow 4 there were about twice as many customers as girls as was the case in Carnival Bar. Rainbow 1 was doing a bit better. But, yes, August has been a very quiet month at Nana Plaza. Truth to tell, so was July.
I did check out the full show at Angel Witch and was glad I did. There is some new material and they have twins dancing in two of the shows. The twins are really cute. Obviously, a lot of thought and talent has gone into the shows at Angel Witch and they deserve applause. There was only one skit or whatever you call it that fell flat on its face. It's when several girls come out in heavy costume and keep acting like supplicants or something and it drags on, its theme (if any) is murky, and the skit ends up going nowhere. It's not sexy and it's an extremely heavy act, like something out of Richard Wagner's opera Gotterdammerung (Twilight of the Gods) and that is where in my opinion it belongs; at Lincoln Center in Manhattan, not on the stage of a go go bar. But other than that, each skit - with or without whips - was well done. Their main dom-dancer can do amazing climbing acts on the poles, Noy is fantastic and to die for, Fah is a doll, the twins are adorable, the- well, you get the picture.
And very soon the bar will have finished its expansion. Work is also continuing in Pattaya on the Angel Witch there and I would imagine tearing a building down and building anew must have cost Matt a pretty penny, or a beautiful baht or two. Word on the street is that Matt has come up with not only tantalizing women, but architectural tease as well. Think translucent. Anyway, all will be clear (or translucent) soon.
During the many years I lived outside of the United States (which I still am), a number of changes occurred in the United States, some good, some bad. One of the great disasters of our time was the creation of the word “miz.”To be sure, during an introduction, women have a right to know as much about a man as a man about a woman. But, let’s be honest – people, especially young people – want to know more about each other, not less. So instead of combining Mrs. and Miss into “Miz.,” why didn’t the people involved in this development split up the word “Mr.” instead?
For example, let’s say a man is not married, then he could be introduced as ‘mister;’ and let’s say he is divorced, then he could be introduced as ‘monster;’ and let’s say he’s also looking for a relationship, so he could be called mister/monster/meister; and let’s say he’s in the market for a long-term relationship with a non-smoking Libran; so that might be ‘meester.’ So, for example, a man named Hastings might introduce himself as ‘mister/monster/meister/meester Hastings’. In other words, people should know more about each other when they’re introduced, not less! It might save embarrassment and speed things up.
As for women, if you are not married, you are a ‘miss,’ and if you are also looking for a relationship, let’s say ‘miz,’ and, for example, if you are also interested in a long-term relationship and love cats, you might be…’mitten.’
And that way we know more about each other in a few seconds than most people know after half an hour of conversation. And we can avoid wasting time on someone who might only be into short-term relationships, or who is allergic to cats, etc.
Let’s say you are a Western woman named Hastings working in a shop who hates Thailand’s nightlife and who hates Western men who indulge in Thailand’s nightlife and who is deeply involved in fighting the gender wars. Then you might introduce yourself as “store/whore/sore/war/bore Hastings.” That way only wimp males will continue a conversation with you and you don’t waste your time on real men.
As I write mysteries, suppose, for example, you meet me at a mystery writer’s convention or wherever, and I introduce myself as Mister/monster/meister/meester/Hist/Mist Barrett. Then you would know that I am single, divorced, looking for a long-term relationship with a non-smoking Libran, and interested in the field of historical mysteries.
You might introduce yourself as Miss/Miz/Mitten/Cad/Mad Hastings, allowing me to know immediately that you are single, looking for a relationship and love cats, that you love the Brother Cadfael series and that you love novels with mad characters such as in Silence of the Lambs.
It seems to me it would be nice if a little common sense crept back into our language. And who better to begin the process than punters in the Land of Smiles?
I enjoy walking through soi Cowboy and Nana Plaza during the daytime and observing the kids playing in the open bar doors, the food vendors serving mamasans or maids (or whoever those middle-age women are) hanging around the bars in the daytime. And the patterns of beer coasters and towels, etc., set out to dry seem to be arranged almost artistically. And I can observe at my leisure without any scantily clad young beauties trying to pull me inside. Walking through nightlife scenes in the daylight is like seeing a woman with her makeup off. In some ways, she might even be more fascinating.
Click on this picture to see what not to bring into a hotel in Thailand (unless you hate the owner/manager, of course). They announce it in three languages so it is safe to assume they may have had a problem.
Speaking of Nana Plaza I think it can be said with great confidence that we all wish to make Thailand’s go go dancers happy. After all, they leave their villages and families and their prospects of a blissful and lucrative future planting rice and feeding water buffalo to come to Bangkok and Pattaya and become chrome-pole huggers to make certain we are entertained. Well, unfortunately, sometimes they are not happy which is not a good thing for anyone so I would like to tell you how you can make them happy: The other night I wanted to escort a lovely go go dancer back to my apartment for a ‘long time.” Unfortunately, to my embarrassment, I had only enough for a “casual stay” in a nearby, rather humble, inn. And do you want to know whose fault that is? It’s YOUR fault. If you were buying enough of my books I would have had the money on me to take her for all night and she would have got more money and been a lot happier. So, the answer to the question: How to make Thai go go dancers happy? Buy a Dean Barrett book today!
And while said dancer was naked and on the way to the hotel bathroom I couldn’t help but notice her beautiful arse. I said, “You know, you really do have an amazing ass.” She stopped, jumped up in place like a cheerleader, and shouted, “Amazing Thailand!” You can say that again.
While I was in bed with her, I asked her how come she only drove me crazy; I didn’t see any other guys drooling over her. She said I was wrong, that there were plenty of other guys crazy about her. And then she added, “They pay me even more than you do!” Oh. I guess I should feel happy and proud about that, no?
I went to an Au Bon Pain the other day and got some coffee and a butterfly biscuit pastry. I explained in so-so Thai to the girl behind the counter that in the States we often call them “elephant ears” and then had to explain no, I am not saying YOU have ears like an elephant; I am saying the pastry is called that because of its shape. Then I foolishly added “And sometimes we call them ‘angel’s wings.’” When I finally got that straightened out, I wisely decided to shut up and not bother to tell her we sometimes call them “flaky testicles.”
I wonder if it is true that you can tell how successful a person is by the number of times he wore a tuxedo. I have worn a tuxedo only once in my life and that was in Australia, so it might not count. I have never wanted to participate in the high society (hi-so) life in any country and I certainly don’t want to do so here in Thailand. In fact, by my standards, in my life, go go dancers are hi-so.
If you take a show girl out of a place like the Long Gun, you will pay 700 baht barfine. The nearby Penny Black Hotel has gone up from 400 to 450 baht for a short time. Then you have to pay the girl, not to mention the drinks you already bought in the bar plus the 20 baht for the condom machine because you stupidly forgot to bring condoms with you. When you add all that up, you begin to realize that a two-hour massage at one of these huge, luxurious massage parlors would have cost you about 1,000 baht less. I wonder if Soi Cowboy bars are beginning to price themselves out of the market?
I got a really nice compliment on my writing the other day. An American friend had lent two of my books to a Canadian woman who wanted to read them - The Go Go Dancer who Stole My Viagra & Thailand: Land of Beautiful Women. He saw her the other day and asked her how she liked them. She said (and I quote): "Never mention that man's name to me again!"
Well, the late writer Kingsley Amis said something to the effect that if your writing hasn't pissed somebody off, it probably isn't much good. So pissing off people is OK. But what I want to know is: Unless she's a lesbian, why would a Western woman want to read Thailand: Land of Beautiful Women?
I was in a massage parlor the other day (when am I not?) and as I stepped out of the tub, the girl cautioned me to go slowly. I asked her if there were many accidents and she said yes. Of course that makes sense as most accidents at home happen in the bathroom. So a guy getting up from a lovely hot bath and stepping out onto the wet floor might naturally be in danger. I suspect a lot of customers have had very nasty accidents by slipping beside the tub in a massage parlor room so as the desk sergeant said on Hill Street Blues: "Be careful out there!"
I can remember when I was younger, "the three of us" going to a bedroom meant me and two women. Now it more often means a woman, me and my Viagra. (sigh).
According to a recent newspaper report, Singaporean women call it the 5 C's: Condo, Car, Credit Card, Country Club Membership, and Cash. If you can't offer those, you may as well not chase after them. Of those five I can offer a little cash. I wonder what that will get me in Singapore. Better not to ask.
Message to Office Bar, Sukhumvit soi 33, Art Bar Alley: Once, again, my friends, I say I don't care about soccer matches and sweaty young lads kicking balls into nets! You have some good looking women working in your bar. Send me pictures of them or take me off your e-mail list! OK??
Here we have two lovely young ladies sitting outside of Lookie Lookie bar on the soi off Sukhumvit 33. Wouldn't you love to be the fan between their legs? Get it? "Fan" in Thai means lover. And there is another kind of fan in the picture. A pun, get it? A double entendre. Oh, well, never mind.
Returning to Merry Olde England - Alas, not so Merry
The ten days I am spending here in the UK is the longest period I have spent here for years. Late one evening I needed a break and went to a pub close to the house. I was just relaxing when suddenly there was a flurry of activity among the few customers still there. Then I realized what was going on – I remembered that everywhere closes at 11 p.m! (Some nightclubs, etc., in city centers open later, but small town pubs close.) People were getting in their “last orders” which have to be placed and served before 11. You then have half an hour to finish your drinks and leave. To serve after 11 is regarded as a very serious offence and could result in the pub owner losing his license and livelihood. Last night I called again into the pub for a sampling of real English beer. There was a man who apparently is a frequent customer who said he was 75 years old. I thought of those I knew roughly the same age in Bangkok and the contrast was stark. I felt very confident that unlike them he did not have a 25- or 30-year-old Thai girl stashed away at home.
My Latest Conversation in a Bangkok Bar
“Well, the thing is, I’m a bit confused.”
“Well, you being a woman, you might not understand, but, in the beginning, we men spend so much time and pain and energy fighting and screaming and kicking our way out of our mother’s pussies, and, then, as we get older we spend all our time and lots of energy and money trying to get into as many pussies as possible. I don’t think I quite understand the point of it all.”
“Could you just barfine me and stop talking so much?”
“Oh, sorry, all right.”
Reminder to those about to make a BIG mistake:
Love is the ideal
Marriage is the real
A confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished – Goethe
In England, teachers want to drop the word “failed” from school vocabulary and replace it with “deferred success.” I wonder just how dumb and how idiotic people can get. Did it ever occur to these teachers that telling someone in school they “failed” is in fact preparing them for the trials and tribulations of the real world? You either cut the mustard or you don’t. And in the real world if you don’t, nobody eases your plight by saying you are experiencing “deferred success.”
OK, so next time I am in my apartment with a lovely go go dancer and I don’t get much of an erection, I won’t say I “failed” I’ll just say I attained a “deferred ejaculation.” When will people learn that pretty words might temporarily conceal reality but they never make it go away?
“All human emotions are degrading except lust” - anonymous
Did you see the story about the strip club in L.A. that put a sign up called “Vaginas R Us”? Apparently, the neighbors don’t like it. But the owner says if theaters can have “The Vagina Monologues” why can’t he advertise the same thing? Anyway, it reminds me that when I lived in Manhattan’s East Village there was an area on 2nd Avenue near St. Mark’s Place (8th Street) where stolen property could be bought. Of course it was called “Thieves R Us.”
There is a go go bar in Bangkok in which dances a cute 16-year-old dancer who claims to be a virgin and wants 30,000 baht for her virginity. I tried to explain to her that only Asian men would be interested in that kind of thing. Then I took a ride on a taxi motorcycle, without a helmet, of course. And got stuck behind a bus spewing horrible black smoke.
And it occurred to me that almost EVERYTHING Thais are doing would get them arrested in the States. Most people in this country would be behind bars or heavily fined for violation of one American rule or one law or another. Ain’t it great to be living in Bangkok, Land of the Free? I hope you are. If you ain’t that may be because you may be a little stupid; but don’t take it personally.
The Thai Scene in Bahrain
In conversation last night I heard of an owner of a Thai restaurant desperately in need of Thai waitresses. Apparently every time he recruits someone, she leaves after a few weeks to become a “lady of the night”. Earnings are an unbelievable 30 – 40 times as much as a waitress if they are successful. No wonder it is tempting to them.
I don’t know how widespread it is, but I have now come across several places that have “in house” ladies available to customers. As I mentioned before, all bars here are attached to hotels. The girls live in rooms in the hotel and spend their evenings in the bar, ready for customers. Exactly what their deal is I have not yet had a chance to investigate properly.
The Thai girls here are bigger, whiter and older (on average) than the norm in Cowboy or Nana. All these are negatives in my opinion, and what is more, they charge a minimum 5,000 baht short time - often trying for more. This information is based on enquiries purely for the sake of academic research.
See New Contest Below
Do you have a product or service you would like to advertise on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure, however, to mark the outside envelope:
“Birthday money for Dean Barrett –
Absolutely No Bribe Enclosed”
Got feedback to this column? Got information on Thailand you would like to share? Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise? Been ripped off? Just write me at email@example.com.
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That's all for this fortnightly column. Drop by again. Explore the rest of the website. Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, you number one!"
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We actually had a winner of last column's contest, in fact, several readers got it right. How about that! Anyway, where is the place in this painting? Be the first to get it right and you get 1500 baht worth of food and drink and one novel. Good luck!