Thailand Nightlife Roundup

Welcome to my website.  In case you're new, you might care to know that the purpose of this site is to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere.  And to have some fun.

Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)

There is a contest every two weeks when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive a free book written by myself and other prizes such as free food and drink from Larry's Dive, The Londoner, The Old Dutch, Electric Blue and Bourbon Street Cafe. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting.

I will also add information to a column as I receive it or report on nightlife as I encounter it so check back now and again as there may be much new even within a week or ten days.  And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).

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OK, right after the last column went up no fewer than three people, all new to the site, told me they couldn't find it.  This is because they were not clicking into the large date above the books but rather scrolling down the list of past columns.  So, now, to make it clear, readers can simply click on the picture of the Lady in Black to get into the latest column.  It must be working because you're here, right?

Here is the lovely Pom hard at work.  I was going to tell you where but then I thought, wait a minute, why should I tell anybody where these lovely ladies work?  Then you'll go there and give me competition.  So I won't tell you.  So there.  So sue me.  Oh, OK.  She works at the Hare and Hound at Washington Square but she only likes older guys originally from Connecticut with mustaches and glasses.  So don't waste your time.

Here is an entry in the online open dictionary/encyclopedia Wikipedia and it sounds interesting but when I wonder will the novel be translated from the Norwegian?

Kakerlakkene (Norwegian: "The Cockroaches") is the second crime novel about Harry Hole, written by Jo Nesbø. Here we can read about Harry's journey to Thailand, where he is asked to solve the murder of the Norwegian ambassador. As usual, he mingles among the shadier neighbourhoods and eventually realizes that important people are involved. The novel is written in Norwegian.

I like that part about how he "mingles among the shadier neighborhoods."  Siam Paragon?  Well, anyway, now I know that Thailand has a Norwegian ambassador.

Is there a detective in the house?  I like the Kinokinuya bookstore at the Emporium but I notice they put Dashiell Hammett in the Mystery section and Raymond Chandler in the Literature section.  I don't quite understand why these two are being split up and who in the store made that decision.  And on what basis.  I notice they keep The Go Go Dancer who Stole My Viagra & other Poetic Tragedies of Thailand with my other books in the books on Asia section, rather than in the poetry section.  I wonder if they are trying to tell me something.  How come Bukowski can be on the same shelf as Baudelaire but not me?

According to Rumor-Control Headquarters, a fight broke out in one of the Soi Cowboy bars over - what else? - a woman.  Within minutes the two combatants and their friends went at it.  They were separated by the quick intervention of the police who happened to be about to enter the bar anyway although no one is sure why.  In any case, the two combatants and their friends decided to settle it the following morning.  I managed to snap a shot with my Sony daguerreotype Sharp Shot 8800.  Picture shows Old Dutch Corner at Soi Cowboy just after sunup.  Strangely, no one got hurt.

A friend and I were sitting at Nana's Big Dog's facing the street.  Great seats for Entertainment Provider-watching.  A shoeshine boy approached my friend and said he would shine his shoes.  Conversation:

Friend: How much?

Boy: Fifty baht.

Friend: Twenty baht.

Boy: Twenty baht?

Friend: Twenty baht.

Boy: Twenty baht, one shoe OK.

Friend: Thirty baht.

Boy: OK. Two shoes, thirty baht.

Such is the art of bargaining in Bangkok.  But have you noticed how the flower sellers of Nana Plaza, those sweet little girls made up to look older and cute, have become much more aggressive lately?  The other night, as Steve Leather and I were sitting along the rail of Big Dogs, they poked us repeatedly to turn around and buy their flowers.  Such are the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune Bangkok residents must suffer.

You know for sure you're an old Bangkok hand when you know enough to look both ways before crossing the sidewalk.

I was in Lolita's on soi 8 the other day, just for a beer, you understand, no, I mean really, it was hot out and too early for Nana so I just stopped in for a beer only Anyway, I asked one of the Entertainment Providers why they had three Nang Kwats, the statues of little maidens who beckon customers inside.  She said two were from the old Lolita's when it was on Soi Asoke and one is for there.  So now you know.  I love the advertising in Pattaya for the Pattaya Lolita's: "Let our girls blow you away."

There is a lovely lady named Kaew who works at the Londoner Pub on soi 33.  She is sexy, tall, good looking.  She is also moody and not afraid to show temper.  We all like her and, in fact, during voting at Frank's Corner Khun Kaew was chosen as "The Londoner Employee Most Likely to Succeed as a Dominatrix."  The problem is none of us is brave enough to tell her because whoever does might get slapped around.  Hmmm.  That's right.  He might.  OK.  Maybe I'll tell her tonight. 

Here come some of the dancers from Sheba's Bar on Soi Cowboy heading for the Suzie Wong Bar where the Dance Contest for Charity was held.  Sheba's girls and Suzie Wong girls and Playskool girls danced for the prize money and glory.  I was one of six judges.  There were three of us on one side of the room and three on the other.  Naturally, my friends and I voted based on beauty of the women, their sexiness and their lesbian tendencies.  Can you believe one or two of the judges on the other side of the room voted based on dance ability!  Talk about idiots!  So some of the ones I wanted to win didn't win and Baron Bonk who was present wasn't happy either.  The Baron was mumbling something about a steward's inquiry into the scoring of those of us who did not vote based on dancing talent alone but unless you've been knighted you wouldn't know what a steward's investigation means; I don't.  Well, maybe next time Baron Bonkers, sorry, Baron Bonk will take enough time out from fox hunting so he can be a judge himself.  But seriously the Baron is a true gentleman and it was all in fun and don't forget the next dance contest, the final and wildest of the three, will be held on Sunday, 26 February at Sheba's Bar, Soi Cowboy.  At that one, the two motorcycles will be auctioned off.  If I win one, I will trade it to the winners of the dance contest for short-times.  That should give me enough short-times for the rest of my life.

Do you remember the Curly Bill Brocius gang, the one that (foolishly) went up against Wyatt Earp and his brothers and Doc Holliday at the OK Corral?  Well, take a look at these mean dudes.  You really wouldn't want to mess with them.  They are all believed to be descendants of the gang.  From left: Quick Draw P.J., Father T, Mack the Knife, Curly Bill himself who often uses the alias "Peter," and Jason the Avenger.  They say they were preparing raffle tickets for the dance contest but it looks to me more like they are planning a bank robbery. 

Pity the Latin crooner Ricky Martin.  It seems he's stirred up quite a controversy in his admission that he is into water sports or "golden showers," which the music magazine Blender helpfully defines for its readers as "the act of urinating on another person."  He told the magazine: "I love giving the golden shower, I've done it before in the shower.  It's like so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different."

Now poor Ricky is shocked that people are shocked: "I never thought my comments would lead us to an absurd political discussion that has become sensationalist."  Well, Ricky, lad, let me apprise you of a few facts.  If you want to be thought of as a romantic singer you might not want to talk about having fun and games with golden showers.  And as I pointed out in Skytrain to Murder, "society punishes those who deviate from its norms."  And, this may shock you, Rick, but lots of folks still consider golden showers as a deviation from the norm.

Sure, I know, it can get confusing when you reply to an ad for someone who likes "water sports" only to find out that they simply meant they wanted someone to water ski with, but life does have its little surprises.  So, you shouldn't be too surprised that you landed (as the article headline said) in "hot water."  Now, as I have admitted, my fetish is the way Thai women can bend their beautifully formed, supple hands backward into a beautiful, feminine arc.  That drives me nuts, Rick.  I mean as in ga ga.  I've actually barfined girls based on that alone.  I suppose it's kind of like the way a woman's bound foot drove Chinese men crazy for centuries (although a lot of men regarded the odor of the woman's putrefying foot as an aphrodisiac and I must say there is no odor connected with Thai women's hands unless they've been eating somtam - that's spicy papaya salad to you, Rick).  But, unlike you, Rick, I'm not trying to promote myself as a romantic crooner so if Dean Barrett has a thing for the way Thai women can bend their hands back, nobody really cares.  You, though, Rick, might want to check with your publicity people next time before you open your mouth about your fascinating hobbies.   

Anyway, look at it this way.  If your career can survive this, it can survive anything and as they say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  My advice would be to give your own renditions of some of the classics, such as, "Singin' in the Rain," "Raindrops Keep fallin' on my head," and "Who'll Stop the Rain?".  Just a thought, Rick.

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A woman diver in Pattaya (Naklua) was killed by the propeller of a speedboat.  Talk about an accident waiting to happen.  The speedboat operator sped off but turned himself in later and said it wasn't his fault as he was traveling his usual route.  Police arrested him anyway.  But shouldn't the authorities there be held accountable also for not properly separating areas with various activities?  And what about the diving instructor?  Were there warning "diver below" flags out?

The Honey Inn Hotel in Pattaya must have been quite the place to be on New Year's Eve.  Just outside the hotel a Scotsman accidentally injured a Japanese man with firecrackers, Thais were arrested for selling fireworks without a license, and inside the hotel lobby a drunken British guy smashed the hotel counter with a hammer and chased after one and all, screaming and shouting.  Until four cops managed to subdue him.

OK, I've added a Thailand Nightlife Glossary on the Welcome Page.  Please read it so I can take down the stupid looking flashing NEW sign.  It's annoying as hell.  Also, in the Articles and Stories section, there is a new story: The Democratic Republic of Bluggle: A Loony Planet Travel Guide.  And, yes, this is the last installment of Argaiv's Travels as the spaceman races back to his beloved Noy in Northeast Thailand and attempts his escape from the Kingdom of Thailand back to his own planet.  Will he succeed?  And what about his sister who became a go go dancer?  And his katoey brother?  Read all about it in Argaiv's Travels: The Great Escape.   

You probably saw the Associated Press headline about the guy in Delaware: "U.S. Man gets stuck in mud after meeting prostitute."  A police helicopter had to pull him out.  Life is weird but human beings are weirder.  I wonder how much he had to pay the police to pull him out.  Oh, I forgot, this didn't happen in Thailand.

Regarding SIM cards, the Thai government's deadline for registering the cards in pre-paid cell phones has been indefinitely postponed "due to technical reasons."  All right, I confess, I still don't get it.  What the hell does "pre-paid" mean?  My ex-girlfriend gave me her cell phone which must now be about six or seven years old.  It is Nokia with no number because maybe they weren't sure if cell phones would catch on and didn't know they would be making more.  But how do I know if she pre-paid it or not?  Do they mean is it paid for?  Do they mean does she still owe payments?  What are they talking about?  Like I said elsewhere people are never clear.  Books say: "Chinese farmers grow some cash crops."  So what do they mean?  Do they mean Chinese farmers take cash for some crops only?  Why wouldn't they take cash for all their crops?  Cash crops as opposed to what?  Or do they mean Chinese farmers accept old Russian planes and young Russian prostitutes in trade?  Nobody and nothing is ever clear.

Still divided by language.  A British friend tells me when he was part of a staff hosting a conference in England, two American ladies approached him and asked where the rest room was.  "Rest room" meant nothing to him, so he answered that the conference facilities didn't have a rest room but they could sit anywhere.  They gave him a strange look and moved on.

Many thanks to those of you who wrote in to tell me that "RTG" most likely means Royal Thai Government.  That's too bad, because I don't believe I know anybody in the Royal Thai Government so I guess I can't get the US Embassy Protocol Officer job after all.

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From the Mail Bag

I ordered Skytrain to Murder.  The theme of rescuing a bargirl strikes a familiar note.  In 1972 the 307th TFS was TDY (temporary duty) to Udorn and a couple of guys rented a bungalow.  Across the street was a compound full of young women.  The courtyard of the compound was usually full of official Thai vehicles.  We thought it was a whore academy, a place where the depraved businessmen and corrupt government officials procured women.

The guys were trying to hatch a plot to free as many girls as possible.  After a case of Singha it was decided that the plan wasn't feasible and it would only get the girls into deeper kimchee.

Although I wonder, if one or two of those idiots helped only 2-3 of those girls?  Time eats at the memory.

David Crew chief Udorn 72 & 75; Ubon 73-74

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Some of the bar ads are well done and some aren't.  I kind of like this one from the Spicy Girls a Go-Go in Pattaya.  Something about the body language tells a viewer that that bar might just be the place to go.  Of course, there are now so many go go bars in Pattaya competing for punters that the salaries of some of the girls are skyrocketing. 

 

What is it with Google Earth, anyway?  I downloaded the damn program and spent three days on it.  All I could find were buildings, highways, dining, lodging, terrain, useless stuff like that.  I couldn't find even one brothel, massage parlor or go go bar.  What asshole programmed Google Earth??  Anybody can find roads and hotels and that shit.  Somebody screwed up big time.  Who would pay for that shit?

According to Roger Beaumont's column in the Nation Google just bought Thailand.  Anybody know anything about that?  I wonder how much they paid.  Maybe they took it in barter because the Thais are buying Russian Sukhoi Su-somethingorother out-of-date planes in exchange for out-of-date poultry, I think it is.  I would like the government of Thailand to know that I too would be interested in selling books such as The Go Go Dancer who Stole My Viagra for Russian planes, Thai poultry (even birds with bird flu are more likely to fly than antique Russian planes), leftover AK-47s, used bikinis recently worn by certain go go dancers, and desserts such as sticky rice with mango and coconut sauce.

In fact, I have already tried this technique at Nana Plaza.  I approached some go go dancers and informed them that I was a writer and would trade some of my books for sex.  This being a (Manson) family column, I can't print their replies but it seems they are not so much into reading.  What they have to offer, that which they came by naturally, seems to be far more valuable than what I have struggled to create.  Where's the justice in that?

This is the ping pong game Entertainment Providers, Punters, and Tourists play on Soi Cowboy during various festivals and holidays.  I have heard three different versions of how the game works, one of which was obscene and no doubt contrived.  So I will leave it to someone else to enlighten you as to the object of the game.  But I gave some money to a girl who netted some balls and somehow I wound up with a Tilac Bar T-shirt.

 

You'll love this one.  My friend, Paul, spent a great deal of time learning Thai extremely well but never seems to have any better luck barfining reluctant type go go dancers than I do.  Finally, after months of trying with this one particular girl, her sister came in, visiting from another bar, heard his story, and told her sister to go with him and for how much.  So at last he got the girl to a hotel.  After the horizontal action was completed, he asked her why she had refused for so long to go with him.  Her reply: "You talk too much."

I love it.  I guess it pays to be the Cheyenne Bodie strong and silent type.  And if you don't know that Clint Walker played Cheyenne then you must be a young guy who missed out on all the TV "adult" westerns in the late 50's.

One of the local English language newspapers said something about a change being "cosmetic only."  They also said in parenthesis (phak chee roi na).  I think that means parsley is sprinkled on the face.  Neat expression.

So I had my usual delicious dish of Singapore noodles at Bus Stop on soi 4 the other day.  The sweetheart at the gate who ushered me in said it would all be back to normal in two months.  Since when is anything in Thailand ever normal?  Anyway, we ate in the back and some of the same staff (and customers) were there.  I have to say the two story concrete structure didn't really look like it would be ready in two months, but I would never discourage a cute Thai woman in a Malay-Singapore outfit.  Or out of one. 

We went to take a look at Sin Bar on soi 4 which has been getting rave reviews.  Well, I must have missed it because all I could find in that building was a pool hall on the second floor and an open air bar on the roof.  Nothing wrong with that but I couldn't find any lounge.  It was on a Sunday and still a bit early so maybe it was closed?  Somebody told me the Sin Bar club or disco or whatever it is is on the 2nd floor so I will go there next time completely sober and attempt to locate it.

Spotted Dave the Rave in Nana Plaza and had a nice chat.  It seems Angelwitch is doing fine which is how it looks to me whenever I go in there.  I still enjoy the shows but some of the dancers, including the twins, were at the new Pattaya Angelwitch, so the showgirls were being stretched thin, which is what I always wanted to do to them.  Some energetic dancers there too.  One of the main show girls just split up with her boyfriend and her broken heart sent her into the hospital.  How come show girls don't react that way when they split up with me?  Update: Dave says the twins are back now. 

Went to Pretty Lady and a friend and I had a great time with two of the dancers, bought them each two drinks, lots of laughs.  But here is where it went south.  When it came time to pay I noticed my friend peeling off money and I thought he was tipping his girl so I gave mine 100 baht.  Apparently, he was only paying the bill or leaving twenty baht in the tray but when his girl saw my girl getting tipped she wanted one and when she didn't get it, she was a very unhappy camper.  By turning not nice, she lost out, because my friend had said he would have gone back later and barfined her.  But it goes to show you that even two experienced punters can get their signals crossed.

Hadn't been to Nana Plaza's Mandarin Bar for over a year.  In the old days it was great: glass ceiling upstairs with young lovelies minus anything under their skirts (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) and young lovelies downstairs.  Then some time ago saw a couple of katoeys among the dancers.  Not good.  Then I think because of the Law the girls upstairs had to wear shorts which kind of defeats the purpose, no?  This time it was, I am sorry to say, disappointing.  No dancers upstairs and one of the girls said no more dancers upstairs anymore.  Not many lookers and all the girls looking at themselves in the mirror while they danced.  Thai employee inside the little room enjoyed watching them with his finger up his nose much of the time.  AND they had god-awful Gangsta Rap. I don't get it - the audience (such as it was) was mainly white guys in their 50's and a few Japanese.  That audience does NOT like rap music of any kind.  What is this bar, a family operation whose son studied in America and came back and determined that that is the music farangs like?

A go go dancer on Soi Cowboy came back from her New Year's holidays in her village and still hadn't gone back to work at the bar.  I asked her when she would go back to work and she said, "When I finish lazy."  (More likely when she finishes the cash her last "boyfriend" gave her.) Oh, Jesus, come to think of it, I might have been her last boyfriend.  But sometimes pidgin go go dialect gets right to the core, Doesn't it?  "When I finish lazy."  Love it!

"Oh, go and ask that river flowing to the east if it can travel farther than a friend's love."  - Li Po (Li Pai) Tang Dynasty (618-907)

"Oh, go and ask that bargirl dashing out my hotel room door with my cellphone if she can run faster than a punter's bullet."  Hapless Punter - Taksin Dynasty (2001 - seems like forever)

Khun Sakhon, the new manager of the Londoner Pub, is toying with the idea of altering the Beefeater outfit of the next Door Goddess who welcomes people as they come into the pub.  Can you imagine a combination of the bare-shoulder Ayudhya-style period Thai dress with the Beefeater logo?  I like it!  Let's wait and see what he comes up with.  In fact, Rumor Control Headquarters says there may be two Door Goddesses. 

I was walking along a klong the other afternoon and I happened to pass a mother and daughter, the daughter I would say no more than 14 or 15.  The message on her shirt read (in English): "I'm Not with Stupid Anymore."  I chuckled but then realized there might well be ex-girlfriends of mine going around wearing shirts like that.

The guy in this photograph seems to have the best job in the world: acting as a kind of prop so that school girls can learn about how the male body works.  But I can't blow it up any larger and I can't read the language underneath the picture.  If anybody can read it and translate, please do.  Click here.

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I am getting more and more e-mails from people who are talking about writing their own novel, especially one set in Thailand.  I think it is a fine idea to attempt writing a novel but from the questions they ask, it is clear they don't understand the enormous odds against writers becoming successful; successful in the sense of making a living from their writing.  Especially fiction.  So beginning with this column, over the next few columns, I'll be offering some background or advice to those entering the profession for the first time.  A bit about how it works (or doesn't, as the case may be), agents, editors, publishers, distributors and all those evil varmints. 

The Myth of "Talent Will Out"

One of the things that bothers writers, artists, composers, etc., the most is when we hear people say, "Talent will out."  They mean that if someone is really talented he or she will certainly be published or get their movie made or get their play staged, etc.  To use a cliché, nothing could be further from the truth. 

Over the years, various people, including some famous writers themselves, have sent out partial or full manuscripts with phony titles and author's names to agents and publishers; usually modern novels which were famous and incredibly well written.  The idea was to see how quickly modern literature's best novels disguised as novels written by unknowns would be snapped up by today's agents and publishers.  Well, needless to say, they weren't.  In fact, most agents and publishers never even recognized the fact that the novels were modern classics which had already been published. Here is a short summary of the latest test as reported in the New York Times

Submitted to 20 publishers and agents, the typed manuscripts of the opening chapters of two books were assumed to be the work of aspiring novelists. Of 21 replies, all but one were rejections. Sent by The Sunday Times of London, the manuscripts were the opening chapters of novels that won Booker Prizes in the 1970's. One was "Holiday," by Stanley Middleton; the other was "In a Free State," by Sir V. S. Naipaul, winner of the 2001 Nobel Prize in Literature. Mr. Middleton said he wasn't surprised. "People don't seem to know what a good novel is nowadays," he said. Mr. Naipaul said: "To see something is well written and appetizingly written takes a lot of talent, and there is not a great deal of that around. With all the other forms of entertainment today, there are very few people around who would understand what a good paragraph is."

And, believe me, it is the same in theater.  When I lived in Manhattan a composer and I worked for many years on our musical set in Hong Kong in 1857, Fragrant Harbour.  We were even selected to show a sample of the musical to producers on 42nd Street.  We did get interest but we also got woken up to what determines whether or not a project will be staged or not.  And, unfortunately, talent plays only a very small part. 

One producer told me that having an Asian woman in the lead was "not bankable."  He meant we needed someone famous (read: white female singer) in order to bring in financial backers.  And if you are thinking about Miss Saigon, remember Cameron Macintosh put his own millions into that one and didn't need backers.  Other producers from regional theaters loved our musical but were doing mainly revivals because doing known musicals from the past like Oklahoma is sure to get an audience.  And when some said they were interested in "new" musicals, what they meant was something like a cast of 8 people babbling American-style about "relationships"; not a Broadway style musical with a cast of over 20 set in Hong Kong in 1857.

And then of course there was the political correctness issue.  The same issue which almost prevented Miss Saigon from being staged in New York City.  Thank God Cameron Macintosh had the guts to stand up to the political correctness assholes.  Half of my actors were Asian and half were Caucasian.  They worked with us for very little pay because they loved the project and they understood I am a specialist in that period of Chinese history.  In fact, some of the actors from Miss Saigon were in our show whenever Miss Saigon had a day off.  I could not praise these people enough.  But there is a small but very vocal number of Asian-Americans who don't like white folks writing about Asia and they don't like musicals or novels or whatever in which an Asian woman falls in love with a white guy rather than an Asian guy.  And, believe me, people like these are doing quite a bit of damage to the arts today. 

And I haven't even begun to speak about the damage the feminazis are doing in the arts and how a man-hating lesbian director once told me that "in theater today you cannot criticize anybody except white, heterosexual males."  Lovely. 

As we all know, Van Gogh sold only one of his paintings in his lifetime although now his paintings can fetch over US$40 million.  So one could argue his is a case of talent will out but I'm not sure how much good that did him.  Same with so many writers, of course, such as the 18th century British poet of genius Thomas Chatterton who committed suicide at 17 years of age.  Only one of his poems was published in his lifetime.  And of course there are many very talented writers who died with very few people hearing of them during their lifetime or after.

Nope, no one in the arts was ever promised a rose garden or an orchid farm or anything else.  But we do know that the odds of even extremely talented people succeeding are slim indeed, and we know luck plays quite a role as well; and we especially know that people who say "talent will out" have their heads so far up their ass they need a glass belly button to see out. 

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OK, so you may recall I spent a fortune to get a tooth capped for a go go dancer.  So one night I went down to her bar because she wanted to know if the tooth with the cap could be distinguished from her real teeth.  I reassured her it couldn't and men would be looking at other parts of her body, not her teeth, but she wouldn't be happy until I checked it out for her.  So I went into the bar and sat down wondering how someone who had planned to be a great China scholar at a prestigious university had ended up in life inside a go go bar checking out the teeth of go go dancers.  As it turned out it was a complete waste of time because just before I got there she got barfined for all night.  Although come to think of it only in Bangkok could someone write that spending a few hours watching lovely, naked go go dancers cavort on stage is a "complete waste of time."

A rare painting of George Washington at rest while fighting the Brits has been discovered.  Just click here

Rumor-Control Headquarters has it that thanks to the influence of American feminazis there exist Thai college girls who are saying "khrab" instead of "ka" to show that they are equal to men.  This is one rumor I hope proves false.

A top level Thai woman police officer has complained that there is a glass ceiling in the promotion of female police officers in Thailand, relatively few at inspector level, and they handle mainly sex crimes which doesn't get them promoted as quickly as the men who get to handle "hard crimes."  Contrary to what some people think, I am not a stone age sexist and do believe women who can do equal work should have equal pay.  Especially if it means they dress up in cute uniforms.  And I think women, as in the Philippines, for example, often make better leaders than men.  I just happen to think it should be a tradition that women in power should dress in black leather with boots and carry some kind of riding crop.  (With the exception of Hilary Clinton, of course.)

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A recent study by Bangkok's Demimondaine University carried out by go go dancers each of whom had been confirmed barfined over 100 times came up with these interesting statistics regarding nightlife columns on Thailand.  On average, People who read BangkokAtoZ have a life expectancy of 79 years; people who read Dave the Rave have a life expectancy of 76 years; people who read Stickman have a life expectancy of 73 years; people who read Baron Bonk have a life expectancy of 71 years; people who read this column have a life expectancy of 33 years.

I had to go to the immigration department and spent a few hours waiting and then more time dealing with issues.  It exhausted me to the point where I decided I needed a massage.  So off I went to the Chao Phraya II massage parlor on Sri Ayudhya Road.  I asked the Papa San about a girl I didn't see there so gave her number.  Incredibly, he has them all memorized by name, number, whatever.  Like a computer.  Even when the girl is too far off to read the number he knows it because he recognizes her.  These guys could write a book on techniques to improve your memory.

The girl I chose was fine.  She chatted about the customers, how they were mainly Thais, but of course Japanese and farangs as well.  How some of the Thai men are into "sadeet," sadism, etc., and we spoke of other such rarified cultural phenomena.  She wore pasties over her nipples when in the glass area because her dress was transparent.  She claims these are also called "silicone" and can be found in the bra and panties section of stores.  I'll have to check that out.  She also said she wants no more than three customers a day, otherwise she is too tired the next morning.  I didn't dare ask her which number in line I was.

Now this is where things get weird.  Behind the glass are three sections.  The Superstars on the left, the Side Line in the center and the traditional massage on the right (mainly older women).  In the sideline area the girls sit either on sofas or on the carpeted steps and chat or watch TV while waiting to be called.  I asked the Papasan once what the difference was and he said the girls on the sofas are 2,000 baht for two hours whereas the ones on the steps were 1,900 baht for two hours.  He claimed the ones on the sofas are guaranteed young, no babies, pretty, etc., etc.

But the girl told me that they could sit wherever they liked, sofa or carpet.  She also felt some of the girls on the sofas were pretty and some weren't.  When I saw her she was sitting on the carpet although there was plenty of room on the sofas.  So the logical question would be: "If you can be paid more money, why not sit on the sofa?"  But I dared not ask that question because that might lead me farther down the road to Thai logic and we all know where that road goes: AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!

I tried to get into The Smoking Gun website to read about the author James Frey, the guy who conned Ophra Winfrey (and everybody else) about his recovering addict book but I got a strange "Cyber Inspector" page.  Anybody read Thai please click here and let me know what that's about, would you?  If you're interested, here is a very recent NYTimes article on using proxy servers to get into banned sites.

A gentleman from the Czech Republic has bought Johnny's shares in Hollywood, Nana Plaza.  Let's hope he can turn the large losses into gains.

Finally, I am very pleased to say that my last book signing at the Texas Lone Star Saloon at Washington Square went very well.  Lots of people showed up and as George Pipas the owner requested this time people dressed up a bit more than usual.  Here is a digital camera picture of the event.  When you click on the picture you will see that I have circled myself with red pen and that I dressed up as a Chinese mandarin official because I was signing Hangman's Point which is set in China.

 

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Links You Might Enjoy

A video of a five-minute walk down Soi Cowboy.  Click here and then click "preview videos."

http://www.pbar.info/videos.html

 

Like satire on Thailand?  Try

http://www.farangaffairs.com.

Like to know what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try http://www.bangkokgigguide.com.

Like to know more in depth about what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try this great site:

http://www.bangkokjungle.com.

 

Tired of shoveling snow?  Check out Bangkok's sunshine.

 

Bangkok's weather report.

 

 

 

A great site for listening to Thai morlan music and other folk music of Southeast Asia.

 

www.monsoon-country.org

 

 

 

A bit of black leather never hurts.  But she does.

 

Our Lady in Black

 

 

 

Like to learn a bit about retiring in Asia?

 

http://www.retiredexpat.com

 

Links You Might Not Enjoy

T-Shirt Hell: for lovers of very black humor only. 

http://www.tshirthell.com.

 

Politically incorrect rants and raves from dear old Fred.

http://www.fredoneverything.net

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Do you have a product or service you would like to advertise on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure, however, to mark the outside envelope:

“Birthday money for Dean Barrett –

Absolutely No Bribe Enclosed

Got feedback to this column?  Got information on Thailand you would like to share?  Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise?  Been ripped off?  Just write me at deanbarr@loxinfo.co.th.

 

 

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OK, last week's contest was an easy one.  The beautiful painting graces the exterior of the Toy Bar on Soi Cowboy which several of you got right.  So now for 2,500 baht in food and drink be the first to tell me where this picture was taken.  Second prize is one of my novels. 

That's all for this fortnightly column.  Drop by again.  Explore the rest of the website.  Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, you number one!"

Dean Barrett can be flamed at: deanbarr@loxinfo.co.th

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