Thailand Nightlife Roundup

Welcome to my website.  Unlike the universe, this website has a purpose: to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere.  And to have some fun.

Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)

There is a contest every two weeks when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive vouchers worth at least 3,000 baht in food and drink, i.e., 500 baht each, from Larry's Dive, The Londoner, The Old Dutch, Electric Blue, The Big Mango and Bourbon Street Cafe. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting.  Second prize is one of my books or else a 500-baht book gift voucher from Dasa Books.

I will also add information to a column as I receive it or report on nightlife as I encounter it so check back now and again as there may be much new even within a week or ten days.  And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).

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There are a number of interesting places out on Rachadapisek Road and, contrary to what many think, they are not only open to Asians.  The massage parlors in the area are huge as are the entertainment centers.  They are mainly frequented by Chinese and Japanese, some Koreans and Thais, and some foreigners.  I think this road, with its huge neon signs, could honestly be called the Las Vegas strip of Bangkok.  You could start, as I did, at the Fortune Hotel Internet Center and roam about checking out the software which is for sale at about 100 times less than in the USA.  And, for some of the software, that is not an exaggeration.  Of course, you would not wish to purchase pirated software so you head back downstairs and enter the subway and go just a couple of stops to the Huey Khwam stop.  You would get out there and walk a bit to one of the massage parlors such as the Nataree and come upon a selection of beautiful, young women inside, the oldest in her early 30's, the youngest, who knows.  And you would learn that you could be with one of these exotic creatures for 2,000 baht for two hours. 

But, just as you would not deign to purchase pirated software you would never stoop to going into a room and getting soaped up and more by one of these gorgeous and friendly lovelies.  And so you get yourself out of there pronto, hail a motorcycle taxi and tell him to take you to Rachadapisek, soi 4.  Here, among the bars and clubs, you may be the only farang and you may well be the oldest (if you're over 30), but, not to worry, farangs are welcome.  The action here doesn't start until later, kind of like RCA, so enjoy your drinks at your favorite pub first, then head out by subway later.  You'll find it a nice change of pace.  Click on the thumbnails, of course.  My only complaint is that the signs in the subway stations tell us which exit has which school or which hotel or which office building but they say nothing about which massage parlor is at which exit.  A glaring omission, I must say.

The affable (and until now indestructible) PJ, manager of Nana Plaza's Lucky Luke's, has suffered a stroke and is now in Bumrungrad Hospital.  He should be out in a few days and will be staying with Peter.  Let's wish PJ a speedy and complete recovery.

Nana Plaza was open over the recent holiday while Soi Cowboy was closed.  Kind of the reverse of the norm and you may be sure Bangkok's Finest was involved in that decision.  In any case, Nana Plaza did great and was flooded (if that's the correct term) with lots of dancers from Soi Cowboy.

While I was in the States (AKA Land of the Big PX), Katie Couric moved from being hostess on some early morning show on NBC to being a news anchor on CBS, or something like that.  And it was all over the news and the newspapers as if it was the biggest event since Whore House Charlie fell off the roof of Good Pork Betty's brothel into the durian wagon (Some say she pushed him).  As an expat American, may I say: Americans need to get a life.  On one TV channel, some clean-cut-I-never-have-lust-in-my-heart-nor-an-erection-for-anyone-but-my-wife kind of guy was telling another guy about heaven, and how there would be singing and all that.  Who is nuttier?  The guy talking or the people who believe that nonsense.  If I've had enough to drink, there is nothing more humorous than a watching a televangelist religious rabble rouser in the American South.  If not, then they piss me off.

You probably heard about the disastrous fire in Route 999, a Pattaya entertainment complex on Pattaya Third Road, that killed seven people and injured dozens more.  I think five of the dead were dancers and the speculation was that they didn't know where any rear exit was because they had been newly hired.  It might be wise in some of these large complexes in Pattaya and elsewhere to sit somewhere near an unlocked door because fire codes and their enforcement are not what they should be in LOS.  One of the local papers had a photograph of two of the unhappy girls standing in front of all the open lockers after the fire.  All of their valuables had been stolen.

Rumor-Control Headquarters had been flooded with notices about how great Playskool a go go at Nana Plaza was becoming.  As you know, there are some bars which are great and stay that way; there are some which are disastrous and stay that way; and then there are those like Playskool which over the years seems to seesaw from I'd rather be in Boston to outright fantastic.  I stopped in at 11 p.m. the other night and let me tell you it is hot, hot, hot.  I noticed one really cute dancer sitting with a young farang guy and (rarest of the rarest) his attractive looking Caucasian lady.  I was hoping they were going out as a threesome so at least I could hate the guy forever.  But nothing happened and the dancer seemed to have just brushed them off.  Anyway, as for Playskool, check it out.  About 11.  You won't be disappointed.  

Another cool painting from the Bangkok nightlife gallery of Chris Coles.  This one is of the Eden Club.  Click on it, then check out the rest of his work at his on-line gallery.

 

While I was in Laos last year I had Lao beer and it was great.  I was told the Belgians are involved in the brewing.  I followed the custom and sat along the Mekong River watching the Thai side at sunset while drinking this brew.  Thanks to Dave the Rave for letting me know it is now available in Thailand.  He must know because I just had one at Angelwitch.  Don't confuse this beer with Leo beer; Lao beer is really good stuff.

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Did you ever wonder what inspires writers?  A hope of Glory?  A need for Fame?  A desire to seek Justice?  A love of the Intellect?  To explore the human condition?  To discover ourselves?  To make sense of the universe?  To fashion life into art?  To make a living?  To gain the respect of writers we respect?  Nope.  None of the above.  Just look to your left and you'll know.  (If you didn't already.)

 

 

 

 

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From the Mail Bag

I went into Our Place the other day. Within about five seconds of sitting
down, two not very attractive girls sat next to me, and within ten seconds
had asked for a drink. When I declined to buy them a drink as politely as I
could, they sulked, called me 'ki nieaow' and stomped away.
 
Well, it didn't create a very friendly atmosphere, and so I drank up, paid
my bill and left.  It was another example to me of how extremely badly some

of these bars are managed.
 
I often buy drinks for ladies, but I like to pick the ladies I buy drinks
for, I don't like to feel pressured, and I certainly don't like to be told
that I'm a mean bastard if I don't buy a drink for someone who weighs
slightly more than I do, and is only arguably more attractive.  Paul S.

.........................

My evening ended up as my evenings often do at my favorite bar on Soi Cowboy,

where, as I often do, I spent much of the evening eyeing up, and attempting to

grab the attention of Dtoo.  In truth, perhaps the most exciting and enticing

thing about her is her total lack of interest in me. It was my last night in

town, and the owner went and had a word with Dtoo. I don't know what she said,

but I can guess. I think she was telling Dtoo that I was a good customer, I had

brought four friends in with me, and she should look after me. Even that was not
enough, and Dtoo positively refused to come near me. This wasn't the first
time, and my heartbreak was moderated by the fact that I had been in that
situation a number of times before.
 
I invited her to come away with me, but she just smiled. Eventually I paid my

bill and left.
 
 I got into a taxi and the usual taxi conversation started. Where did I
 live. I replied that I lived in Thailand. No, said the taxi driver, where are
 you from? We covered the usual subjects. He was from Si Saket, he was working
 in Bangkok for the money, but he missed his home.
 
 Then out of the blue, he asked me a question:
 Would I choose a girl who loved me, or a girl who I loved?
 I had to think for a while.
 I had to answer that I would choose the girl I loved.
 
 He told me that this could only lead to disappointment. It was far more
 important to be with someone who loved me. There can never be an equal amount
 of love in a relationship, and it is always better to be the person who is
 loved rather than the person who loves.
 
 He told me that I already knew this, but that I chose not to listen. Until
 I learned this lesson, I would not be happy.  At this point, he pulled up outside 

 my apartment building, and it was a second or two before I realized that I hadn't

told him where on the soi to stop. I asked him how he knew to stop there. He smiled

at me in the rearview mirror and said that he thought he had brought me there many

times before.
 
 That has to be impossible. I had hailed him just as a passing cab, and he
 clearly didn't know me when I got in.
 
 Strange things happen in Bangkok.  Richard O'Donnell

...................

 I was speaking to a girl who had been bought out. For 10,000 Baht, her
 customer would not have to pay any more barfines. I've always wondered why
 any guy pays this fee. The girls are free to leave any bar any time they
 wish. And I find the idea of 'buying' a girl somewhat distasteful.
 But the girls look at it in a different way, and a way that the customer
 may not be aware of. The money does not give the girl the right to leave. It
 gives her the right to come back. When, as usually happens after about three
 weeks, the romance fades, and the guy tires of the girl, or goes back to his
 home country, the girl's job will be held open for her, and she can return to
 the bar at her old position and salary. In one recent example, a girl told me

 she had been bought out, and was going to live with a customer.


 "So... you're leaving the bar?"
 "Yes."
 "And you're stopping work?"
 "Yes."
 "Forever?"
 "Yes."
 "So this is your last night?"
 "Yes."
 "And you'll live with this guy?"
 "Yes."
 "I see. Well. Good luck. I hope it all works out. Goodbye.
 "Thank you. Sawasdee ka."
 But just as she was turning to leave, she whispered in my ear:
 "See you in three weeks".
 And sure enough, three weeks later she was back.
 
 But, in another conversation, one of Bangkok's most agile and athletic
 dancers said that she couldn't come home with me because she had a farang
 boyfriend, and whilst he allowed her to dance, she couldn't go home with
 customers. She was quite sincere!

 John Rowe
 
...................

At around 1.00 this morning I was on my way back home, and happened to take a short cut through Soi Cowboy.
 I was a little thirsty, so stopped at a pleasant-looking bar called Baccara. I asked the girl at the door what time it closed, and she said 2am.
 
So I sat down, ordered a drink, and it arrived.  Within seconds of my drink arriving, a glass passed over my head. It had been lobbed by an Asian man sitting behind me at a girl who had apparently irritated him.  Well, it wasn't a very good throw. The thrower was clearly very inebriated, and his throw lacked any real enthusiasm, aim, or strength. It landed on the floor and smashed, and made no form of contact with the girl.
 
However, it wasn't a very sociable thing to do, and the girl started to wail.  Within seconds, a rather large Thai man had appeared and was escorting the customer out. He had some difficulty walking out unattended.  A few seconds after he had left the bar, the girls, mamasan and manager rushed to the door to watch something happening outside. One of the girls came in reporting that there was a lot of blood coming out of someone's head.
 
A few seconds later, the lights came on, and amidst shouts of 'Hurry Hurry', checkbins were issued and I was encouraged to pay up, drink up, and leave.  Well...
 
Who was the victim here?  The girl wasn't really a victim, in that she didn't suffer any physical harm, and within a few minutes, her mental trauma seemed to have abated.
 
The guy who lobbed the glass probably ended up as a victim, but since he started it all, I think to a certain extent one can argue that he brought it on himself.
 
No.  The victim here was me.
 
I had only just got my drink, was looking forward to relaxing watching a nice display of Thai cultural dancing, and instead had about three minutes to pay up, drink up, and leave.  Not only that, the waitress gave me a very nasty look for not leaving a tip!!! 

Don L.

...................

I was born and bred in the UK before leaving for points west at the age of 28.  For us the fountain pen we all wanted was the Parker, such names as Mont Blanc and Schaefer were unknown.  It may be that the English were more important than Americans in SE Asia for many years, at least in Burma.
Regards
Jan

 

Jan, a good point.  Just as in parts of Africa the French were first and some parts of Africa might be using whatever they use for the main pen manufacturer.  It may be that the Schaefer salesman was not asleep in a Southeast Asia brothel after all.  He just hadn't got out here yet and by the time he did it was too late.

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PATTAYA.  Lots of bars, lots of girls, and some quite pretty ones.
 
Four stood out for me.
 
1. Heaven's Above
A go go bar, but decor more akin to Bed Supperclub. Large clean white beds to lounge on. Pretty girls, imaginative costumes, a good, relaxed attitude. A really novel variation on the go go theme. More of a chill-out vibe. This format could be copied in Bangkok.
 
2. Beach Club
The ultimate 'meat market'. No shows. No stage. Just table dancing. But there are a lot of pretty good-natured girls at reasonable prices. It is inelegant, unsophisticated, but as a place to go and find out what exists under the skirts of Thai girls, and to find a companion for the night, it can't be beaten.
 
3. Angelwitch
Angelwitch Las Vegas!
It is Angelwitch, but bigger, more girls, more revealing shows.

Matt and Pim have really gone to town on this. The place is like a cross between a circus, a Roman amphitheatre, and a go go bar. The shows are naughty, much naughtier than Nana, and it's all very well done. Only one criticism - They should cut the changeover time between shows. Sometimes they are much longer than Nana's and a few people seem to get bored and leave.

 

4. Polo

What a dreadful place. It's packed with tourists. There's no atmosphere. The shows are amateurish (and sometimes blatantly copied from Angelwitch). The bar itself has the architectural elegance of an abandoned brothel in the Bronx, and the intimacy of Grand Central Station. The girls are mostly unattractive. It is truly seedy and horrible.
I rather liked it. 

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News from Sukhumvit, soi 33.  Michael Fenton sold a bar there to an Irish fellow and the fellow changed the name to Shamrock.  And while I always enjoy the bar I never once in the six months he had it saw the new owner.  He was always "upstairs" or "out."  I wondered how in a competitive business he could make money.  Well, I guess the answer was: he couldn't.  So now the bar has changed hands yet again.  The new owner is Chris Ronnblad from Finland.  Chris intents to spend time in the bar greeting customers and if anybody can make a go of it he can.  The new name is CK's Sports Bar.  I'm no lover of sports but the girls there are always fun.

Nana is the same as always.  The Rainbow bars dominate. But while the girls are often attractive, there seems to be something of an attitude there among a few of the girls, at least.  And, of course, as is often mentioned, they attract a lot of Asian customers, and the girls often demand high prices.  I mentioned in Murder at the Horny Toad Bar how when I lived in Manhattan's East Village I noticed attractive girls from Japan were attracted to black guys; so I was thinking I might have to take pills to darken my skin.  Here in Thailand's nightlife area, more and more of the Thai girls are going for the Japanese guys.  In Manhattan, the attraction of the black guys was not money, of course, but reputed size of Leroy P. Johnson.  In Bangkok, it is of course for the money the Japanese guys like to throw away.  And did you know Japanese guys have websites just like we do talking about the same go go bars?  So in NYC I practically had to become black to attract Japanese women, here in Bangkok I may have to have my eyes done to look more Japanese to attract Thai women.  Is the world fucked up or is it me?
 
Angelwitch continues to do its thing, and to do it very well. Just as I was beginning to feel that they had lost a few of their most memorable dancers - maybe to the Pattaya branch? - they brought in a new batch!  They still have excellent shows, but I sometimes feel that the professionalism has slightly surpassed the fun (translation: Angelwitch girls don't call me "hansum man" anymore). And, oh, yeah, Dave the Rave wasn't fibbing either: Angelwitch has some really cute chicks in there now and the show is moving back from cabaret to something a little more as it was in the glory days. (I'm so old I can still remember when BYOB meant Bring Your Own Bottle instead of Bite Your Own Banana. Here's hoping Angelwitch Pattaya can hold its own and then some during the slow season, because the shows and presentation are top notch.
 
Mandarin just isn't what it used to be, or Carnival, and of course certainly not the Hollywood bars.
 
And the Crown group bars in general seem to be hopelessly lackluster. There was even a rumor, probably totally untrue, that they were doing a bad job on purpose so that business would decline in general at the Plaza, and then the Crown Group could buy up the other bars cheaply and start a massive and monopolized revival.  Of course, if you believe that I've got twin towers in Manhattan I would like to sell you.
 
Pretty Lady was shut down when I was last there. I always heard that Pretty Lady was police-owned, so I was rather surprised, but it seems to be an owners' dispute (in which, of course, neither owner wins).
 
The deal to enable owners to pay money to stay open late, based on a daily or monthly fee, seems to be working well but not without a few problems. Apparently one bar didn't renew its subscription, (or at least didn't pay its dues) and the police were so pissed off they ended the deal - but of course that was the day I was there, and  of course in Asia's Bright Lights Big City things change quickly.
 
There is full showing available in a few bars on Soi Cowboy, and none that I know of in Nana. One Nana bar-owner blamed this on the fact that while the Soi Cowboy bar-owners tend to act as a unified group in their dealings with police, Nana has so many rival groups and infighting, that they cannot coordinate their approach.
 
A friend tells me that the problem for him with Nana is that every trip becomes a nostalgic and sad reminder of how good it used to be. He says he can think of very little about Nana that has got better in the last five years. I can't make up my mind if that is correct or if he has just been here too long.
 
As I've mentioned before, the Erotica bar at Nana Plaza is split into two floors, but for some historical reason they ended up with different owners. Upstairs became Erotica VIP.  I suppose the downstairs bar had somewhat the better deal, because the customers sitting there, got to look through the glass floor up the girls' skirts. On the other hand, when the girls upstairs noticed this, they would sometimes beckon through the glass floor for the customer to leave the downstairs bar and come upstairs, a move that would require him to settle his bill downstairs and start a new one upstairs. I always felt that the girls upstairs were much cuter than the girls downstairs. Perhaps it was something to do with the uniform? Anyway, one of them told me that now they have the same owner again, so maybe they will become coordinated.  Yeah, right, as if anything in Thailand outside of corruption is coordinated.  I don't know if the bar is coordinated or not but I did hear it's for sale.

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Nana Plaza Quote of the month: "Of course you're my girl; didn't I just buy you a ladies drink three weeks ago?"

In the West, women have now started taking pole dancing classes for exercise and showing off a bit of what they can do.  So, of course, the feminazis have weighed in on how close it all is to prostitution.  For example, this:  "But feminist Sheila Jeffries, author of Beauty and Misogyny: Harmful Cultural Practices in the West, says this new dance craze has nothing to do with fitness. She sees it as degrading to women and an excuse to allow pornography into the mainstream."  If you read this article, you will be even happier that you live in Asia.  And as the Aussies would say, Sheila was well-named. Thanks to Peter, the reader who alerted me to this.

Yes, it is actually true: Airbus has approached Asian airlines about the possibility of putting standing "seats" on planes to save space.  The mind boggles.  And there is a report about Thai stewardesses getting groped on planes and the company not doing much about it.  It mentioned that a Japanese guy touched a Thai hostess below the waist and the Japanese men applauded.  Unreal.  They should have thrown the idiot off the plane at 30,000 feet.

Some good movies out there: Woody Allen's Matchpoint, Crash, etc.  What may be the worst movie I ever saw I saw recently in New York: Silent Hill.  I didn't know at the time it has something to do with a video game but my friend had to go at a certain time so the timing of that film was just right for our evening out.  Supposedly a horror movie but in fact a huge mess.  Don't people realize that the human condition itself is the real horror?  Maybe that's why they like to lose themselves watching tame horror situations in horror films.  You want horror?  Try being horny and going into your favorite go go bar and finding some guy has just barfined your chick.  As I'm sure Joe Conrad would agree, that's horror.

"What I am saying does not mean that there will henceforth be no form in art.  It only means that there will be a new form, and that this form will be of such a type that it admits the chaos and does not try to say that the chaos is really something else....To find a form that accommodates the mess, that is the task of the artist now."  Samuel Beckett

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I did check the airport book kiosks in Bangkok before I boarded for New York.  Prices of books are high and there are very few novels of Bangkok out there, mine or anyone else's.  Shops at the airport are mainly pushing expensive books on Spas, etc.  So if you want to buy novels on Thailand before you leave the Big Mango, don't wait until you get to the airport, check the bookstores in town; they have the best selection.  Bookazine at Sukhumvit soi 5 in particular has a fine selection of novels on Thailand.

Did you know that the Big Mango Bar in Nana Plaza now offers free WiFi?  Nice to know some people are sober enough to bring notebook computers to Nana Plaza.  Oh, by the way, did you know that the Big Mango also did some redecorating just for Dave the Rave's birthday party?  Yep, Nick and Michael exercised their imaginations and did a fine job.  Click on the picture to see what the bar looked like during the party.  And don't fail to notice the fellow believed to be Dave the Rave himself peeking out from under the bed just at the early morning close of his birthday party.

Also in the news was word from the deliciously beautiful Chinese actress Zhang Ziyi that she "cried every day after returning to her room during shooting" of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon because she never got a hug from director Ang Lee who did hug her female co-star.  Lee said Zhang was only 19 and "hugging her would have been a little embarrassing."  Yep, I know just what he means, that's how I feel when I'm with young Entertainment Providers and they ask for a hug - embarrassed to tears.  But why didn't the little darlin' come to me?  Whatever qualms I have about hugging beautiful, succulent, curvaceous, sad and lonely 19-year-old Chinese women I would have reluctantly put aside.

Did you know that the minimum daily wage for unskilled workers in Thailand is maximum Baht 184 in Bangkok and surrounding areas, but minimum baht 140 per day upcountry?  It makes a guy think about the money we spend in nightlife areas.  Or maybe it makes us think of how spoiled some of these Entertainment Providers in Bangkok are becoming.  If only Japanese guys would think that way prices might go down.

Good News for the CIA: The Director of the CIA has resigned and apparently that poor agency has many problems that need to be solved.  I just wanted to mention that I am available for that post, if asked.  My only stipulation would be that I don't have to leave Thailand.

Reporters without Borders have not placed Thailand on their Watch List but on Countries to Be Watched.  That is regarding censorship on the internet:  "For example, in Thailand, the government extended its fight against internet pornography to censoring online news sites as part of Prime Minister Taksin Shinawatra's effort to rein in the media. Defamation suits that once targeted newspapers now hit writers who publish online, the Southeast Asian Press Alliance said."  And all this time you thought Taksin just wanted to protect kiddies from porn.

Let's hear it for the students at Thailand's universities!  The lovely ladies are ignoring the dictates of their school administrations and continue to wear extremely tight uniforms.  Yeah!  You go, girl!  Read about it here.

Briton found suffocated in Pataya

 

 

Pataya, Chon Buri A Briton was found dead Friday afternoon with a plastic bag over his head and his wrists were locked to his ankles, police said.

Pol Lt Col Omsin Sukkankha of Pataya police station said John Rabet Nicholas, a Briton, was found dead at a house in Chon Buri's Bang Lamung district at 1:30 pm.

Omsin said the man left what appeared to be a suicide note.

He said police believed the man cover his head with a plastic bag before locking his wrists to his ankles with handcuffs.

His body has been sent to the Police Forensic Medicine Institute for an autopsy.

The Nation

 

  As you can see from the above, in case you didn't already know, Pattaya is a strange town.  Farangs seem to commit suicide there by managing to place a plastic bag over their heads, lock wrists to ankles, and often they even manage to somehow jump off a balcony.  Rumor-Control Headquarters has reports that they write their suicide notes on the way down.  As Trink would say: 'Nuff said? 

Walking After Midnight

Yep, Patsy Cline did real well with that song but when you go walking after midnight in Thailand or even riding a bike it can be very dangerous.  A 47-year-old British man in Pattaya was shot dead at 3:20 a.m. while he and his girlfriend were on their bike; and they were robbed as well.  Four Thai men did it, not yet apprehended.  This comes on the heels of the case well described in the Pattaya Mail about a foreign man shot by Thai guys on a motorcycle; guys who had been hired by his Thai wife.  Even though he loved her and loved Thailand and had given her everything and had doted on her.

The first case is the more typical because I often notice that when farang guys run into problems in Thailand they seem to be out and about very early in the morning, especially in Pattaya, but also in Bangkok.  One of the places to be careful of is on Sukhumvit Road near Soi Cowboy.  Like most people, when it is time to go home, if I am near the lower end of the soi I avoid the waiting taxis as I assume they are similar to those waiting near Patpong Road, i.e., they want to overcharge.  So I walk up around the corner, shake loose the chicks who try to pull me onto their makeshift roadside bars and continue on a bit before stopping for a taxi.  Twice over the past year katoeys have tried to grab my cellphone and the other night, kids about nine or ten years old tried to reach into my pocket as I opened the door of the taxi.  So be careful of that area as it is dark and deserted and if anything happens you can be sure there will be no assistance and no witnesses.  In general, the later it is, the more untoward things happen in LOS, so be a bit careful when Walking after Midnight. 

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OK, so you remember last column I spoke of how due to lack of any women of interest, I was fast falling in love with a lawn ornament in Vero Beach, Florida, a forest nymph to be exact.  Here is the conclusion to my adventure.  But remember this is just between us: I don't want people thinking I'm weird.

I wake up at 8 o’clock.  I press the alarm button on the clock and throw a pair of shorts over my underpants.  Then I carefully open the door and see if the coast is clear to the bathroom.  I scoot into the bathroom and lock the door.  Another day begins.

I feel even more exhausted than usual and so I decide to take my shower immediately.  After I make certain no one has removed my soap, shampoo and razor, I step into the bathtub.  I adjust the temperature of the water, rub shampoo into my hair and turn on the shower.  The hot water gives me what I most need it to give: a temporary respite from reality, a soothing, caressing warmth, a stay of execution.

I soap myself and rub my body with my hands and then soap again with a sponge.  I run the razor over my cheeks and chin.  And then over my neck.  Finally, I put the razor down and allow myself to luxuriate in the sensual pleasure of the water’s warmth.  And by moving just an inch forward I am able to ensure that the spray caresses and fondles and titillates my expectant cock.  I have not had a woman since I left Thailand over two months before nor have I had sexual release of any kind. 

I close my eyes and think of some of the many Thai women I have had, the Cambodian, the Chinese.  And somehow, before I can offer any protest, I am with Lek, a beauty from Soi Cowboy.   But as I am embraced by her, Lek transforms before my eyes into my neighbor’s lawn ornament, the nymph of the rain forest, and her powerful wings crush me to her.  Her lovely brown dress and auburn boots are soaked from the water and the shower’s spray splashes the sharp features of her beautiful face.  Her cinnamon hair is perfectly dry, as if protected by magic.  Her lovely green eyes stare into mine and her hand touches mine but only to remove it from my cock so that her hand can begin stroking.  And then I give myself to the mesmerizing power of her beauty. 

But just as my cock is tumescent with anticipation, it is exactly then that I see in the distance behind her the elf-like grin and black top hat of the leprechaun who, filled with rage and jealousy, is even now watching over his nymph.  The nymph seems to sense his presence and before I can dissuade her she kisses my lips and disappears.  I open my eyes and turn off the water.

That night, well after dark, I enter my stepfather’s tool shed.  I reach for a claw hammer and then notice a ball peen hammer hanging on the wall.  I remove the hammer and look it over.  I run my fingers over its smoothly rounded, drop forged, high-carbon steel head - a head significantly harder than the head of a claw hammer.  The smooth hickory handle has been stained and lacquered and fits perfectly into my hand.

I place the hammer under my shirt and, as much as possible, I walk in the shadows along the side of my neighbor’s house.  I creep up behind the leprechaun, take one final glance around, remove the hammer from beneath my shirt, and then smash its fucking skull in.  And continue smashing.  The black top hat, the pipe, the red beard, the toadstool, the infuriating grin.  All shatter before the force of the ball peen hammer.  All reduced to a pile of rubble.  I turn toward the nymph of the forest.  I cannot see her face clearly in the darkness, but I have no doubt she is pleased.  Now she is free.

The next morning I again step into the bathtub and begin my shower.  When I close my eyes, my forest nymph appears, and, once again, encompasses me inside her reddish brown wings.  I smell the rain forest on her, a musty, earthy, arousing smell and as our lips meet her wings begin to beat faster and harder against me.  Unhindered and undisturbed, we consummate our love.  And it is a frenetic, passionate, physical love and it drains us both.  And at that moment of release I understand that, for those in need, a figmental fuck can be every bit as satisfying as a real one.

Two days later I come down with the clap.

Fire Fairy Figurine

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Links You Might Enjoy

A video of a five-minute walk down Soi Cowboy.  Click here and then click "preview videos."

http://www.pbar.info/videos.html

 

Like satire on Thailand?  Try

http://www.farangaffairs.com.

Like to know what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try http://www.bangkokgigguide.com.

Like to know more in depth about what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try this great site:

http://www.bangkokjungle.com.

 

Tired of shoveling snow?  Check out Bangkok's sunshine.

 

Bangkok's weather report.

 

 

 

A great site for listening to Thai Morlan music and other folk music of Southeast Asia.

 

www.monsoon-country.org

 

 

 

A bit of black leather never hurts.  But she does.

 

Our Lady in Black

 

 

 

Like to learn a bit about retiring in Asia?

 

http://www.retiredexpat.com

 

 

 

Maps of all the provinces of Thailand

 

http://www.thailand-guide.org/maps/index.htm

 

Links You Might Not Enjoy

T-Shirt Hell: for lovers of very black humor only. 

http://www.tshirthell.com.

 

Politically incorrect rants and raves from Uncle Fred.

http://www.fredoneverything.net

 

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Do you have a product or service you would like to advertise on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure, however, to mark the outside envelope:

“Birthday money for Dean Barrett –

Absolutely No Bribe Enclosed

Got feedback to this column?  Got information on Thailand you would like to share?  Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise?  Been ripped off?  Just write me.

 

*********************

Answer to last week's contest:  The Catcher in the Rye, J. D. Salinger, Holden Caulfield.  Yes, both Hinckley and Mark Chapman were deeply affected by this book.  The question also generated the most replies ever and some interesting information.  For example, I didn't know the Hinckley family was connected to financially supporting the first Bush and here is another interesting tidbit from Harry Bonning way down in southern Thailand:

QUOTE from Parole Hearing (of Mark Chapman):
A. Well, I originally — what happened was I was in the library, and I was looking through some books, and I came across a book called One Day at a Time, and I saw him (Lennon) there with photographs in front of his residence, the Dakota, and I was full of anger and resentment, you know. I took it upon myself to judge him falsely for — for, you know, being something other than, you know, in a lotus position with a flower, and I got angry in my stupidity. So it started with anger, but I wasn't angry the night I shot him.
UNQUOTE
 
Man, I've known spaced-out bargirls drenched in Tequila and high on uppers who made more sense than that dude.
 
I looked over my recent photographs and decided that they would be too easy for readers to guess so once again the contest question will be a literary one.  This is a quote from an extremely well written and well received novel.  And believe me if you have read this great novel you won't ever forget it.  But I hope nobody gets it because I would like to see the prize jump next time to 6,000 baht.  So first in Thailand to get it right (title and author) wins the 3,000 baht food-and-drink prize; second prize is one of my novels:
 
"She will stir slightly, waiting to see that look in his eye that is unmistakable in a man who has not been to bed with a woman for a long time.  And (name of character) will nod, almost imperceptibly, and then will begin the race, the new game, the struggle to get to the top of the stairs before she slips back into her room and closes the door.  It is the one solid rule of their game, James.  If (name of character) can get so much as the tip of his cane in the door before she shuts it, he can come in ("You can fuck me, sugar!").

That's all for this fortnightly column.  Drop by again.  Explore the rest of the website.  Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, you number one!"  And, remember: nothing says goodbye like a bullet.

Dean Barrett can be flamed at: deanbarr@loxinfo.co.th

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