Welcome to my website. Unlike the universe, this website has a purpose: to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere. And to have some fun.
Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)
There is a contest every two weeks when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive vouchers worth at least 3,000 baht in food and drink, i.e., 500 baht each, from Larry's Dive, The Londoner, The Old Dutch, Electric Blue, The Big Mango and Bourbon Street Cafe. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting. Second prize is one of my books or else a 500-baht book gift voucher from Dasa Books.
I will also add information to a column as I receive it or report on nightlife as I encounter it so check back now and again as there may be much new even within a week or ten days. And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).
How about that taxi driver who drove his taxi into a tank in protest against the coup? The doctor said he had no brain damage. I would say the guy had brain damage before he crashed into the tank. As granny used to say: You can't fix the stupid. Talk now is of coup leaders telling Taksin he can return if he wants to. Uh, oh. Keep your powder dry.
When I have the time I love to roam about Bangkok and explore lanes and alleys and see where paths lead. There are still some beautiful houses left untouched by modern development even in the most central sois of Sukhumvit and Silom, often quiet and almost rustic. Behind elaborate gates and fences and walls embedded with glass shards to deter burglars, there are often tantalizing views of wooden houses surrounded by plants and flowers and traveler’s palms and banana trees and bird of paradise, etc. I often wonder who lives there: a government official and his wife and succulent daughter; or perhaps a general and his wife and curvaceous daughter; or perhaps three beautiful, profligate daughters living alone. Ah, how the world of nature doth give freedom so the imagination may soar as it will.
Getting back to earth, though, there are some inexpensive hostels and hotels in Bangkok, a situation you seldom find in capital cities. Try Manhattan, for example. If you want to pay less than US$120 a night, be prepared to use the shared bath down the hall; I know, I’ve done it. But in Bangkok, for that price you get a fabulous room. And for a lot less you get a clean room with your own bathroom. Livingstone’s on soi 33 has a fine small hotel and now as of three months ago there is a very clean and reasonable hostel with restaurant on Sukhumvit 25, just off Sukhumvit and very convenient. I haven’t stayed there but they gave me the room rate which depends on whether or not you are a member. But a double for 1,500 baht for non-members is not bad and for 390 baht with private bath you will be in something called an “extraordinary dormitory” with air-TV-fridge-hot water. Website: http://www.thailandhostel.com. Anyway, I mention these kinds of places just in case you have friends coming to town. You have a great number of choices. Viva Bangkok!
A Patpong go go dancer from www.Chriscolesgallery.com
A friend told me the other day that my website sucks. He wasn't referring to content, rather, to design. I keep saying I'll improve it; especially as I use Front Page I could improve it without too much effort I suppose. The thing is though I firmly believe that if a person has been involved in the design of his website then that website accurately reflects his personality; as I think it should. Take other writers, for example. If you go to Jake Needham's site, you will find Jake in coat and tie with white handkerchief in the pocket of his expensive dark blue suit (although he doesn't seem to have his cigar anymore - maybe the healthnazis got to him). It is a very well done site and portrays Jake as quite the man and the writer. Then go to Christopher Moore's site and Chris is dressed more casually in long-sleeved white shirt, open collar, slacks and hands in pockets. He is standing by a window looking out or rather gazing out, very writerly, almost poetly. Jake portrays a stern image, Chris a more approachable image. Both sites are very well done.
Next try Jerry Hopkins site. There is Jerry with beard and glasses and a smile (but without his trademark hat). And there is a gallery where you can click thumbnails and see Jerry with his family, etc. His site is not bad but it is not quite on the level of the other two; interesting but not quite as well organized which, if you know Jerry, accurately reflects the man. I am not certain if other writers on Thailand such as David Young and Colin Piprell have websites. Of course, Steve Leather does, but he is both in England and in Thailand so I am not certain if that counts. In any case, his splash page shows two of his titles and if you want to see him you have to click on The Author. And there you will find him with some funny doctored photographs including one with George Bush (can you spot Stephen Leather in the photo?) and one in which he is wearing wings (and if he isn't more careful in Nana Plaza he may soon be). Steve also has the good sense to recommend two of my titles on his site - may the saints bless and preserve him.
But then, alas, we come to Dean Barrett's site. In which just to get into the damnable thing you have to click on a Thai dominatrix, a friendly dom, to be sure, but nonetheless suggestive of a bit of kinkyness or at the very least an unstable eccentricity off-putting to a certain percentage of surfers. And then to get here you have to click on her again although she is wearing the NYPD cap I gave her (which photo I sent to the New York Police Dept. and is probably now up on some detective's bulletin board at Manhattan's One Police Plaza). So, anyway, as I say, so long as the website accurately reflects a writer's personality and titles, then I say it is a good website. And hats off to all those who write novels set in Thailand, with or without wings, cigars, hats or hands in pocket - may you sell a million.
Yet another friend (Yes, I have two) told me this story:
Note: What I wonder about this story is how he can afford a place with a "downstairs?"
Special report from inside soggy go go bars
In England every year, the favourite topic of conversation for about three months is whether the summer will be good, whether summers are getting longer and better, or whether in fact the hot summers one remembers of childhood are still unbeaten.
The above report was brought to us courtesy of a young Englishman known for writing and directing strange ghost movies involving beautiful, young Thai go go dancers who turn out to be ghosts and who do baaad things to horny men. The report is such a fine roundup of what is happening in the soggy bar scene at the moment that I have decided to allow the British spellings.
Muslims in Thailand are in the news, as the new Thai government may be able to bring about the peace in southern Thailand which completely eluded Taksin. But I hope the Thai government doesn't give away too much for the sake of compromise. The mind of those brought up under Islam is very different indeed. For example, why should the Pope apologize for telling the truth: Violence and religion don’t go together and there has been and still is too much violence in Islam. Muslims are always demanding apologies but never give any and never blame themselves for anything. And Western politically correct apologists not to mention hypocritical leftists like Noam Chomsky are more than happy to go along with Muslim bullshit. Even as they keep bombing and beheading and killing. Amazing.
Oh, yes, the press reports that under Sharia law in such places as Pakistan and Saudi Arabia, etc., if a woman is raped, she needs four male witnesses to the rape or else she herself can be tried and executed. Bad enough, right? But what they are not telling us in the press is that the four male witnesses must be Muslims. Because of course we are only infidels and who could trust our testimony? Sharia law is the opposite of human rights; and even if Iraq and Afghanistan hold together, if they are in any way under sharia law when Coalition Forces pull out, then the West has fought for nothing.
Sometimes I report on something that has nothing to do with Thailand at least on the surface but underneath, well, the case reminds me somehow of Thailand. For example, this dude in Serbia whose witch doctor told him to get it on with a hedgehog to cure his premature ejaculation. Of course, the hedgehog came out of the tryst in fine condition whereas the dude was operated on as his Mr. Johnson was “severely lacerated.” The picture at left is of a hedgehog. Even if desperate, would you want to bonk that? Hello, hello! Is anybody home?
It's coming, coming, about here: The new P.J.'s Steak and Ribs Grill on Sukhumvit, soi 31. Yes, the very same P.J. who was running Lucky Luke's and who now runs the Old Dutch Corner. Should be an interesting place because one thing for sure P.J. knows good food.
Women shoppers at Siam Paragon fight for the last copy of The Go Go Dancer who Stole My Viagra.
A Thai senator recently pressed the Prince of Songkla University to apologize to the public for allowing a racy display of the Coyote showgirls at what was billed as an agricultural fair. The article in a local newspaper speaks of "scantily-clad Coyote girls showing off lurid dance moves on stage and speaking provocatively to the crowds to draw people to their booths." And the girls spoke "rather suggestively to people." And put on a "butt-shaking dance." The senator says "It's about making an obsession with sex excusable. We need to work together to clean up social rubbish. What kind of society will our children live in if we don't act?" (The senator is a she, of course.) Isn't is strange how Thais in government worry so much about this kind of thing influencing their children but never worry about cleaning up corruption and cronyism and unsolved murders and disappearances, etc.? There is a lot of social rubbish out there, senator, and you'll find it in the remnants of the late Toxin government. As for what the Coyote girls did in Songkhla, I only wish the American July 4th Picnic organizers would take a leaf from their notebook.
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." - Plato
Here is a recent NYTimes article on Thailand's coup: http://travel2.nytimes.com/2006/10/08/travel/08journeys.html?8dpc
Hey there Dean, i just stumbled
across this (by sheer accident you know. A total coincidence and certainly not
a bookmarked page) and though it might be something for your website. It seems right up your alley ;-) Jannik in Denmark
Hey there, Khun Jannik, good to hear from you. I certainly believe that you accidentally stumbled across this panties for sale page and you didn't bookmark it either. If you can't trust a Dane whom can you trust? These mysterious coincidences do happen on the internet. I am shocked that men would actually pay for panties. Shocked! What does that say about the human condition? Will not all these used panties being sent out add to the global warming and kill off several species as well as nudge dying languages into oblivion? Where is Tom Foley when we need him? And when they say that this is a genuine limited edition of a Thai girl's panties, why is it limited? Are they running out of panties or out of Thai girls? Curious minds want to know. Anyway, it was so good of you to let us know about this, Khun Jannik. And we look forward to your arrival in LOS later this year. Will you be bringing any panties with you?
As I know there are many true and interesting stories about Thai ladies of the night, I asked two friends of mine to share one of their best, and here is how they replied:
You might recall that story I shared with you in June,
gogo girl I pulled from Carousel that month. A real beauty, drunk, and wanting to marry me the minute we got to the s/t room. Told me to dump my TGF, head home with her to her house on the outskirts of BKK, and move in with her, "I take care you, I welly good laDEE!" She was the one that let loose with the dust storm of body powder after her shower in the s/t room at Nana. Apparently, after showering, she loved the smell of the stuff on her body, I suspect there were overtones of "smell like dek dek." The cloud of baby powder literally enveloped the room, caused the lube on the condom to turn into cement, and dried up all bodily fluids within 200 yards of the bed. A real bunker buster. And there amidst this swirling insanity lay, stark naked on the bed, the most gorgeous body I seen in months. My throat was so dry from inhaling the stuff, that I couldn't swallow, let alone muster some spit to reactivate the lube on the condom. This brought the s/t to an abrupt end. More the tragedy was this lady had a stomach you could bounce a quarter off of, oh my god, a real beauty, face of an angel, would make a grown man cry! It was the saddest night of my life.
All the while I was trying to unsuccessfully stuff my condom/cement
covered member into the dear girl, as difficult as trying to brush duct tape against duct tape, sticky side up, as she was shouting, drunkenly, "safety first!" and wagged her finger in the air, like a schoolmarm. The juxtaposition of all these crazy elements ended with my limp member heading for the shower, unrequited. When I went back the next night to try again, she was too embarrassed to talk to me, sent a friend to ask "why you not finish with my friend." I never saw her again after that night, probably bought out by a punter. Oh, the horror, the horror ...Still bugs me to think about that one.
Friend number two:
Bar girl stories? Here's one that won't make the family papers. Five years ago, I spent the night with J, a cute exhibitionist with the sweetest smile. By exhibitionist, I mean that when she got to my room and took her clothes off, she wanted me to take a bunch of pictures as she disrobed, all the way down to her shaved pussy, and honestly, she had one of the nicest-looking shaved pussies in BKK. That deserved a nice closeup that I took at knee-level. I showed these pics later to a buddy you know and they sort of stayed in his brain, as I never saw J after that (it's BKK, after all). Five years elapsed, as my friend and I find ourselves at Nana Plaza's Pretty Lady having a "beer Kloster". So my friend leans down to begin his beer, and something catches his eye on the mirrored bar surface that he can't take his eyes off of. He keeps staring down at the bar, and slowly says "My god, it's J!" Then he looks at me, then at her face. Sure enough, that was her. He recognized her from her pix, alright, but way before he made out her face. And some people say "they all look the same..."
I had to spend a few weeks in Florida recently, confident that my friends would not take advantage of my absence by screwing up my relationships with various Thai ladies. One of them sent this letter to another mutual friend with a cc to me:
You mentioned yesterday that you were going to send an email to Dean. I would most appreciate it if you didn't mention what I told you about the Budweiser girl. Dean has a little bit of a chip on his shoulder about the fact that I always steal all his women away from him, and if he knows about our two-night-long voyage through the deepest realms of passion, it will only upset him.
And if he knows that it all started in Demonia's with her being tied up by the Chivas Regal girl and the Londoner Beefeater lady (in costume), I think it might be too much for him to bear.
And please don't mention 'the list' to him. I suppose it was a bit petty of me really. But you have to admit it took dedication to seek out every girl in Soi Cowboy and Nana that Dean ever bought a drink for, only so that I could take them home and violate them in horrible ways, whilst forcing them to cry out - "I like Paul much more than Dean". I wouldn't want him to think that I felt there to be any form of sexual rivalry between us.
Okay I admit that when I had the threesome with Noy and Duang, some people might think it odd that I had a lifesize cut-out of Dean Barrett standing next to the bed, so I could make him watch, but hey, we all have our little peccadilloes.
You know, I hear there are some sexy sixty-year old hotties out there in Florida, and I'm sure by now they're looking pretty fine to Dean. I worry that if he hears that none of the girls in the whole of Bangkok will go home with him any more, he may just propose marriage to the first girl he meets in some Florida sports bar. (I swear I have no idea where the story originated of his penis turning green and falling off.)
So it's maybe best that you just say something like "and Paul says hi and hopes you come back soon." That way he'll never know what's been going on - and we'll leave it till he gets back to tell him about his girlfriend moving in with me.
I think that's all. I don't know if I'll be in the Londoner tonight. I'm a bit exhausted. Thank God I've got Dean's favorites - Mam, Joy and Goong - here to look after me.
Hey, what are friends for? I've always said there is nothing more exciting than hitting on a guy's girl once his back is turned. Another reader asks if I remember when a 100 Baht bill was called a "love note"? Yep, sure do, and a taxi across Bangkok to Patpong was 20 baht and Patpong was still worth visiting; those were the days! Yet another reader, Jim Venzke, kindly sent me a picture of the Halloween costume he will be wearing this year. Is this appropriate for Thailand, or what? Click on it and see.
You're going to love this Hooters picture, sent in by Jonathan Fyock. Run the cursor up her shirt to see her curvaceous body: http://www.123mycodes.com/myspaceprank/boobflash.swf
Renoir Club on Sukhumvit soi 33 had it 20th Anniversary bash and friends report scarfing up the free drinks and having confused memories of acres of lovely brown girls in long white dresses and white hats. Kind of like something out of The Great Gatsby but with an Asian flavor. If you didn't make it, not to worry, Renoir has a three-day bash once a year.
Despite the wet streets, business continues at Thailand's nightlife areas frequented by farangs so if you're contemplating coming to Bangkok, don't let the weather put you off. And, remember: There is no better place to celebrate Halloween than at Nana Plaza or at Soi Cowboy. Why stay in Manchester or Leeds or Darwin or Phoenix?
By the way, a friend in the States told me dogs are being trained to sniff out pirated CD's in luggage. I hope this story isn't true. Please tell me it isn't true. First a bit of Mary Jane and now pirated CD's?! I thought dogs were man's best friend?
Links You Might Enjoy
A video of a five-minute walk down Soi Cowboy. Click here and then click "preview videos."
Like satire on Thailand? Try
Like to know what music is playing where in Bangkok each week? Try http://www.bangkokgigguide.com.
Like to know more in depth about what music is playing where in Bangkok each week? Try this great site:
Tired of shoveling snow? Check out Bangkok's sunshine.
Bangkok's weather report.
A great site for listening to Thai Morlan music and other folk music of Southeast Asia.
A bit of black leather never hurts. But she does.
Our Lady in Black
Like to learn a bit about retiring in Asia?
Maps of all the provinces of Thailand
Links You Might Not Enjoy
T-Shirt Hell: for lovers of very black humor only.
Politically incorrect rants and raves from Uncle Fred.
Girlfriends looking for Taliban boyfriends.
Taliban Singles Dating Page
Do you have a product or service you would like to advertise on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure, however, to mark the outside envelope:
“Birthday money for Dean Barrett –
Absolutely No Bribe Enclosed”
Got feedback to this column? Got information on Thailand you would like to share? Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise? Been ripped off? Just write me.
New contest is for 3,000 baht first prize in food and drink vouchers. You must be the first with the answer and you must live in Bangkok or be about to arrive. Second prize is one of my books. Third prize is Diddly-Squat. Last column's picture (at left) which appeared to be a flying saucer was taken from the Asoke Station crossover on Sukhumvit and is the top of a well known seafood restaurant, the Seafood Palace. Now just tell me where the picture at right was taken.
That's all for this fortnightly column. Drop by again. Explore the rest of the website. Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, I love you long time; you number one!" And, remember: nothing says goodbye like a bullet. And the more people I meet the more bullets I need.
Dean Barrett can be flamed at: email@example.com
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