Thailand Nightlife Roundup

Welcome to my website.  Unlike the universe, this website has a purpose: to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere.  And to have some fun.

Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)

There is a contest every two weeks when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive vouchers worth at least 3,500 baht in food and drink, i.e., 500 baht each, from Larry's Dive, The Londoner, The Old Dutch, Electric Blue, The Big Mango and Bourbon Street Cafe. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting.  It will double to 7,000 and, if still no winner, to 10,500, etc.  Second prize is one of my books or else a 500-baht book gift voucher from Dasa Books.

And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).

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It would be difficult to describe Bangkok at New Year's Eve.  Being ensconced inside go go bars on Soi Cowboy where the girls were going wild and where more than a few were inebriated as well, and the parties raging on unabated, and all the while everyone was aware of bombs going off in the city. It reminded me of Jean Genet's avant-garde play The Balcony set inside Madame Irma's brothel where men play out their fantasies while a revolution is raging throughout the city.  Whether it turns out the bombers were Muslim fanatics or pro-Taksin assholes, I hope they get what is coming to them.  My digital camera is still being repaired and I had to use a throwaway during New Year's Eve, so pictures of New Year's Eve celebrations will appear in the next column, pictures of Christmas celebrations in this one.

Possibly True Dept: A friend of mine said that a friend of his was with a girl on Soi Cowboy and liked her a lot and barfined her.  They walked up to get a taxi and just before they got into the cab the girl turned to him and said, "I want to be honest with you.  I'm 13; is that a problem?"  His reply was: "No, not at all.  I'm not superstitious." 

Seriously though, I very recently had a phone call from someone who has just been placed into jail in Pattaya by an underage girl whom I guess in her mind had wronged her.  She reported him to the police.  I don't know the inside story but remember to check ID's very carefully.  Under certain ages (it varies depending on whom you talk to) it is immoral and illegal and you run the risk of a long jail sentence or a very heavy fine!  Some say if it is consensual 16 is OK, but 18 if payment is involved.  Others say girls working in bars should be of a certain age but if you bring one to a bar she should be of some other age.  Nobody knows whom to believe.  It is a fact that girls who work in bars should be at least 18 and if you bring a girl into a bar she should be at least 21.  So, in other words, if you barfine a 19-year-old from a bar and take her into another bar to see her friend and have a drink, you have just violated Thai law.  Anyway, try this: when you bring an entertainment provider to your hotel or to your apartment, photocopy (or scan into your computer) her ID. 

I know of one case in which the police arrested a guy for going to bed with an underage girl and he swore her ID had her as 21.  She showed the police her ID and she was indeed underage.  Fortunately, his hotel had photocopied her ID she used the night he took her there.  He called and asked that it be sent over to the police station.  It was faxed over and sure enough it was a different ID, showing her to be 21.  Chagrined, she said, "Well, I use that one when I'm working."  The police let him go and threw her in jail.  A happy ending to a punter's nightmare.  But as the sergeant said on Hill Street Blues, "Be careful out there."

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The peace of the Burriram countryside in November: Dave & Fon on the family farm: Dave feeding the fish, silkworms, spirit house at sunset, cutting and threshing rice by machine, cutting by hand.  Yep, it's so much easier to let a thresher come in and do it for you; it even bags the rice.  But you give away about 18 percent whereas the farmers cutting by hand give away about 4 percent of their income.  A farmer's choice: Do the backbreaking work and save money or use modern machinery and spend money.  The profit margins for most of Thailand's farmers are extremely thin.  And, as Dave can tell you, you had better watch out for the buffalo.  They sometimes fight in his barn and they have some bad cuts he has to put oil on.  One of the big half-Cambodian ("negro") kwai was anxious to get past him in the yard and accidentally shoved him up against the barb wire fence, giving him a nice long deep cut.

The government sets a rai of rice at 30,000 baht if no road access or if it has road access at 40,000 baht.  But this is in fact more of a suggested price and it does not have to be followed.  For example, Dave hopes to get adjacent land to his but the seller wants about three times the suggested rate.  Dave has offered twice the suggested rate non-negotiable and is waiting to hear if his offer has been accepted. 

http://www.ClubElectricBlue.com

Why Men Play Golf: Click here

 

In Plato's Republic Socrates says that when he finally lost his sex drive in old age, he felt as if he had been "released from the jaws of a wild beast."  I was telling this to an English lady I like very much who was visiting Soi Cowboy with me.  I also started to say that fortunately that phase hadn't caught up with me yet when she interjected: "Right, thanks to chemistry."  Presumably suggesting I might take a Viagra now and again.  How many times must I say it: I don't even know what color that little pill is.

Wonderful News: The foul-mouthed chick, Judith Regan, who made lots of money publishing tasteless books, and who published O.J. Simpson's book on how he might have killed his wife and her friend, and who was about to publish a tasteless "realistic fiction" about Mickey Mantle, has been fired.  Despite the big bucks she made publishing tasteless garbage, she finally overstepped the bounds with the O.J. book.  Good riddance.

 

The owner of Deja Vu and Spice Girls and Midnight bars on Soi Cowboy has ventured out and down Sukhumvit and is now the proud owner of Spanky's as well.

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

I know you are going to be just as shocked as I am but did you know there are people actually living in Thailand and in Hong Kong who have never seen the films The World of Suzie Wong and The Bridge on the River Kwai??  I kid you not!  Of course I realize what movie readers of this column wish to see is the business of readers of this column but if you are among the benighted who have never seen these films, get the fuck out of your chair now, geddoutovit!and rush out to get them.  If you have never seen Nancy Kwan dance in her slit-to-the-thigh cheongsam in the Luk Kwok Hotel, or seen the young lovely Thai maidens by the River Kwai, or seen William Holden's acting (not to mention Alec Guinness and Jack Hawkins), for God's sakes, do yourself a favor and see the films!  And I don't care how many Thai girls you bought a bar for or a hair dressing salon for, or a noodle stand for, if you haven't seen the films, you are not an Old Asian Hand.  Of course, Richard Mason's novel was good, Pierre Boulle's novel less so.  I mean the way those female Thai bearers walking through the jungle smiled at Bill Holden and his companions!  Jesus Christ!  And, remember, as Nancy Kwan said in The World of Suzie Wong, "I am not a dirty little yum yum girl!"  Shucks, Nance, ahs jest luvs dirty little yum yum girls.  Obviously, the book and the film of Bridge on the River Kwai had quite an impact on me as you may or may not have read in Memoirs of a Bangkok Warrior:

According to Taylor, when he was still quite young he experienced what was for him something of a religious conversion.  His apostasy took place not in a cathedral or chapel, but at an American drive-in theater in the back seat of a DeSoto convertible parked in heavy shadows several rows behind the concession stand.  While his girlfriend waited for him to change from his missionary position to one of a less conventional nature, he happened to glance toward the screen just as three Thai girls made a brief appearance in Bridge on the River Kwai.  His mouth fell open and his heart, along with his other functions, came to a sudden halt.  From that moment on, he was never the same. 

He later ascertained that the girls were ‘Siamese,’ from a place called ‘Siam.’  He addressed dozens of envelopes enclosing passionate love letters to the ‘Siamese girls in the movie, Bridge on the River Kwai, and sent them to the manager of the drive-in movie to be forwarded Although he never received a reply, he never forgot them.  And then one day, years later, he learned something so incredible that his life was altered irrevocably. He learned that there were not merely the three Siamese girls whom he had seen in the picture, but literally millions of them, and that in a country called ‘Thailand’ there were cities and towns and villages and streets and lanes and squares and avenues and marketplaces and ricefields and klongs (canals) brimmed and glutted and sated and gorged and crammed and cloyed with girls just like them.  And it was Taylor’s sworn intention to brim and glut and sate and gorge and cram and cloy with them.  All of them.  And from that moment on, Taylor knew that whoever had said that “beauty is not confined to any one nationality” was a madman.

I can't believe it!  I had a great question for this week.  I was going to ask: Who are Vilaiwan Seeboonreaung, Ngamta Suphaphongs, Javanart Punychoti and Kannikar Dowklee?  But I thought I had better make sure it can't be googled so I tried googling "Vilaiwan" and up comes sites about her filmagraphy and the fact that she was in Bridge on the River Kwai.  Goddamn Google is getting to be worse than Big Brother in Orwell's 1984.

There have certainly been some humid days in Bangkok during this so-called cool season.  On one such humid day I ate at Bus Stop, Soi Nana, and the poor girls working there looked about to collapse.  You can see from the picture above how many customers there were.

The lovely Nang, door goddess of the Londoner Pub, really sent me on a roller coaster ride the other night.  After a bit of flirting on my part in which I espoused the value of having a much older boyfriend, she said she would be mine after work.  I thought, at last, this is it, she has seen the light, this was to be my night, I had been wrong in my assumption that there were no gods in the heavens, etc.  But then after a bit more discussion and clarification, what she meant was I would be hers after she gets off work, i.e., stop working, i.e., when she retires.  Ouch!  These Thai chicks sure know how to hurt a guy.

I was speaking long distance to a Thai woman in the States and I told her she was still a baby (dek Tharok) but she heard it as dek narok (child from hell).  It must have been static on the line but hey if the shoe fits….

I know of one Thai go go dancer who is going to go to England to live with her boyfriend.  When someone asked why not America she said they had lots of zombies there.  How does she know this?  She saw movies like Day of the Dead, and she is afraid of America.  Any comment would be superfluous.  Another friend told me of returning to Bangkok from Pattaya with his Thai girlfriend and once in the apartment hearing a horrible scream from the bathroom.  He ran in expecting to find a snake or a thief or a dead body.  But it was his girlfriend looking at herself in the mirror screaming: "I got so dark!"  So, for the new year, remember to budget all the money your main Thai squeeze is going to spend on whitening creams and lotions.

I trust everyone had a wonderful Christmas.  One of the best things for me is that I forgot to make any New Year resolutions so I don’t have to worry about trying to keep any.  As I look back on 2006 I cannot say it was a great year for me but on the other hand there were no disasters either.  As Liberace used to say, if you’ve got your health you’ve got everything.  And as granny used to say, “Every day above ground is a good day.”  I feel lucky to be living in Bangkok because this is one of the most interesting places to be living in.  Certainly not as beautiful as Hawaii or intellectually stimulating like Manhattan, but it is almost impossible to experience a dull day.  A great city; I just wish I could get through at least one day without having to fuck somebody.

Michael and Nick, that dynamic American duo who runs The Big Mango at Nana Plaza haveDukeFront1 on our behalf forsaken sleep and sex for months to bring you yet another pub.  It is called the Duke of Wellington and is on Silom near United Center and the DeliFrance.  In other words nearly opposite Patpong. It already had its very soft opening which went really well.  So now they are planning a huge Grand Opening on January 12th (possibly with Thai Penthouse Models).  Let us hope they have sense enough to have female bartenders.  And let us hope Mike and Nick can now rest on their laurels and take time out to get laid again; if they still remember what that is and how it works.

I know of a gentleman from America who moved back to working in America but was sending his Thai girlfriend ten thousand baht on the 1st of each month and again on the 15th of each month.  It was always the case that he would receive a phone call on the 3rd of the month to say that she had run out of money and needed more.  So he began paying her 20 thousand baht twice a month.  Nevertheless, on the 3rd of each month he would receive a phone call saying she ran out of money and needed more.  Some guys just don’t get it: there is a type of Thai lady that no matter how much you send, she will somehow have spent it or sent most of it to her family within a few days.  And it doesn’t matter how much you send because it is a bottomless pit.  It is like throwing wood on a fire and the fire quickly consumes it.  Not sure what this fellow will do now.

Miss Nevada in the Miss USA Contest lost her crown because of some incredible pictures taken of her in some bar when she was 19 but I think she was reinstated by Donald Trump.  Nobody knows why the Donald changed his mind and allowed her to stay but after being with her privately he said all was well and she stayed.  In any case, here is a website with far more incredible pictures of her with lots of fun comments.  As far as I am concerned, she's a heroine!  Where is that bar?!

http://splashnewsonline.blogspot.com/2003/12/photos-that-stripped-ms-nevada-of-her.html

I’m not sure what the record is for how long a go go dancer stays with a bar but in one of the Nana Plaza bars a beautiful girl joined and on the third day the Japanese owner of a massage parlor spotted her and told her she could be making ten thousand baht a day.  So off she went to make her fortune after only three days with the bar.

Don’t you love the game the police and bar owners play?  The police know some of the bar owners’ tricks and the bar owners know some of the tricks of the police.  The war never ends but neither side tries to actually win a decisive victory because that would mean no payoffs and no nudity, etc.  Recently, a Japanese guy and his Thai girlfriend and his Thai driver were allowed into a bar on Soi Cowboy.  Alas, it was a trick.  The girlfriend and driver were actually cops who saw the nudity and closed the bar for a bit.  In another case, one of the guys who works for a bar failed to be sitting outside the bar when police came.  So no one was there to push the button which activates the strobe lights which gets the girls off the stage in one second flat.  So he was of course fired.

The Texas Lone Star Saloon was completely packed at Christmas for its free lunch.  This time the "free" lunch only cost me one thousand baht in ladies drinks.  What the heck, they're worth it.  And a very happy birthday to George Pipas, owner of the Lone Star.  A young 85 years old.  Meanwhile, at the nearby Emporium lovely balloon twisters with kinky wigs and cool outfits were doing interesting things with balloons for the kids.  And, of course, down on Soi Cowboy at Rawhide the tables were turned, so to speak, and it was men on stage giving the girls a real sexy show.  And the men had to finish all four sets.  The winner got some kind of prize.  I got a prize providing I would not participate in the show.  Meanwhile, on Soi Cowboy, Santa Claus once again showed up giving candies to both good girls and bad girls indiscriminately.  I assume he knows who has been naughty or nice but all of the girls seemed to think they had been good.  Certainly good by Bangkok standards.

 

 "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
 - Winston Churchill

News while it is news:  For showing a bit too much, the Apache Bar on Soi Cowboy will (eventually) be closed for a couple of weeks by Bangkok's Finest but the owners don't mind because they want to renovate.  When it is reopened don't be surprised if it has a Naughty Boy's Corner.  And, yes, as the girls of the Long Gun bar across from them will tell you, the Apache Bar may be haunted because those Apache maidens do move.

If you like Guns and Roses you might like http://suicidegirls.com/live/

 

Lucky Lukes, Nana Plaza, was doing a good business the other night; even had a couple of foreign chicks enjoying the action.  Russell, an American, has taken over as manager from P.J.  Of course, P.J. can be found at his own steak and rib place on Sukhumvit, soi 33, or on occasion at Old Dutch.

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The Small Penis Rule or Why Michael Crichton won't be sued by a person whom he based a character on 

In his latest novel, Crichton manages to get back at a journalist who dumped on him:  “Alex Burnet was in the middle of the most difficult trial of her career, a rape case involving the sexual assault of a two-year-old boy in Malibu. The defendant, thirty-year-old Mick Crowley, was a Washington-based political columnist who was visiting his sister-in-law when he experienced an overwhelming urge to have anal sex with her young son, still in diapers.”

Mick Crowley is described as a “wealthy, spoiled Yale graduate” with a small penis that nonetheless “caused significant tears to the toddler’s rectum.”

Mr. Crichton’s Mick Crowley not only has a similar name but is also a graduate of Yale and a Washington political journalist. Mr. Crowley contends that Mr. Crichton has tried to escape public censure for his literary attack by hiding behind what has become known as “the small penis rule.”

The rule, Mr. Crowley writes, is described in a 1998 article in The New York Times in which the libel lawyer Leon Friedman said it is a trick used by authors who have defamed someone to discourage lawsuits. “No male is going to come forward and say, ‘That character with a very small penis — that’s me!’"

 

So if you want to defame someone, make certain you say the person you are referring to has a small penis.

 

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Not sure who wrote this humorous satire but for those who either remember Abbott & Costello or who watch a lot of late-night TV this is similar to their classic Who's on First comedy sketch; a kind of updated version for the computer age.  Click here.

As a writer, I love language.  It can be beautiful and inspiring; it can make me weep; it can make me happy; it can make me horny.  Or it can make me want to kill somebody. There is, for example, a special place in hell for people who use “impact” as a verb, as in: “The rising cost of beer in the go go bars and the fact that we can't get it up anymore might impact our enjoyment in Bangkok.”  No, goddamnit, it might “affect” it.  But that is nothing compared with the following.   

I was minding my own business, sitting at the bar of the FCCT at Maneeya Building, reading a newspaper when all of a sudden I saw it.  This is a sentence in the International Herald Tribune from a product manager working for a Google product which they hope will rival PayPal: “It’s a way to incentivize more merchants to join our network.”  INCENTIVIZE!!??  What the &$%#@*&$%#!!  I can’t stand it!  And then I turn on BBC and, just like the announcers and correspondents on CNN, they keep saying, “If you like,” “If you will.”  No, I don’t like, bitch.  And I fucking won’t.  I do not like you to keep employing that useless expression!  Just give me the news, stop wasting my time telling me how great your CNN or BBC is, how you were first with the news, yada, yada, yada, and stop hedging your bets with useless, repetitive, infuriating expressions like “if you like” and “if you will.”  Incentivize?!  Incentivize this, asshole!

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“People who live by the sword are usually shot by those who don’t.” - attributed to Whore House Charlie 

“A fool and his money are soon parted.” – Anonymous

“A fool and his money are soon elected.” – Will Rogers 

Quite some time ago, Stickman used the term “Oriental” and apparently some idiot informed him that that is now an insulting term and he shouldn’t use it.  I have come across politically correct assholes like this before, especially in Manhattan, where I was writing a musical set in Hong Kong in 1857.  The vast majority of Asian-Americans are great.   Some of the actors in Miss Saigon would appear in my musical, Fragrant Harbour, when we put it on for an invited audience of directors, producers, etc.  And because they loved the musical they worked for almost nothing.   

But out of about three or four million Asian-Americans, there are a few thousand who worry about such things as “Oriental”.  I do respect the feelings of others but I hate word police and thought police and especially Asian-Americans who have never been east of San Francisco lecturing to people about what terms they should use to describe Asia or Asians or Asian-Americans.  But white folk not wishing to give offense listen to this tiny minority and usually kowtow and do as they say.  In universities, The Dept. of Oriental Languages is being changed to The Dept. of Asian Languages, etc. 

Well, the thing is, 1.2 billion Chinese use the term Oriental.  It is dungfangde in Mandarin and Dungfang is “Orient.”  There are also neon signs all over Asia such as the huge “Oriental Ballroom” on the Kowloon side in Hong Kong and Oriental Thai and Chinese cuisine signs in Bangkok.  I have Chinese friends in China and they laugh at this kind of “American” controversy.  They don’t have time to worry about such nonsense; they get on with their lives.  And, of course, the criticism is always against white heterosexual males, never the other way around.  For example, the Cantonese term guailo is “foreign devil.”  It is used all over Chinatowns in the West.  They could say sairen for foreigner, but they don’t.  But, of course, that doesn’t bother the politically correct type of Asian-American and their kowtowing white followers.  Nope.  Have you ever noticed it is OK to insult white heterosexual males but never the other way around? 

No, I don’t say “the Orientals,” but I don’t say “the Occidentals” either. I do say Oriental music, Oriental rugs, etc.  And I will continue to do so.  I respect culture and customs up to a point, but there are several hundred Asian-Americans, many of them writers, many of them even worse writers than me, who love to pretend that they speak for all “Asians” just because they have an Asian face.  And the only time they’re happy is when they can lecture to white folk and tell us we have made a real cultural boo boo which is insulting to them and we should repent and change our ways.  It is in reality a form of censorship.  All I can say is, Incentivize this!

 

This is apparently from Romanian TV.  Lovely girls, indeed!  No wonder Romania has been invited to join the EU.

http://www.c00lstuff.com/152/Romanian_hot_girls/

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How ‘bout the Thai stock market, huh?  Just take a few generals and a few know-nothing economists, add a few untested theories and here we go loop de loop! 

Somewhere over the rainbow profits fly;

Taksin made his fortune; why or why can’t I?

I wonder if Soros and the Jews will get blamed for this meltdown as well.

 

Ministry of Hopeless Dreams: Male workers in South Korea who vow to stay away from prostitutes after year-end celebrations are to be paid cash by the Ministry for Gender Equality.  The companies with the most pledges from male employees will receive rewards.  Despite a new anti-prostitution law passed in 2004, some estimates suggest more than one million people work in the sex industry.  And speaking of fanatics against sex did you know that Purachai is back??  Oh, yes, after flying abruptly off to New Zealand he has returned to Thailand.  Check this out:

 

"Former interior minister Purachai Piumsombun, whose strict Social Order policy several years ago was widely welcomed - and opposed, warned yesterday that many new night entertainment venues were operating illegally outside permitted areas.  Purachai, now chairman of the National Legislative Assembly (NLA)'s panel on justice, police affairs and human rights, called on the Surayud government to strictly enforce the zoning policy, which allows venues to operate in only three areas in Bangkok - Ratchadaphisek, Phetburi and Patpong. He said a large number of pubs, nightclubs, plus restaurants and food gardens where music is played for customers, now operate freely along Phaholyothin and Nawamin Roads. " 

 

Soi Cowboy might or might not be included in the safe areas as it could be considered part of Phetburi Road.  But Nana Plaza is nowhere near the three approved sites.  Just what we need for the new year, the return of a fanatic determined to close down anyplace that seems to offer sanuk to people.  He also said Christmas eve should be no exception to the closing at midnight rule.  Fortunately, he was ignored.  Nana was open later than normal Christmas Eve and Christmas. Christmas Eve there was a Thai band downstairs by Voodoo going until after 3 a.m. with all the Thais partying. Christmas The Big Mango closed its doors at 3:20 a.m. but the rest of the plaza was done around 2:30 a.m.  Police presence was way lighter than normal.  Probably the Sangsom. :)
 

 

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The NYTimes has a blog in which there is a great deal of heated debate because of a newly elected Muslim congressman wishing to be sworn in on a Koran instead of on a Bible.  I mean it is really heated.  But, being a writer and an opportunist, methinks me saw an opportunity to promote one of my titles.  So I sent them something which I figured they would never use.  But, shiver me timbers, they did!  Here it is:

I wrote a travel book on China called Don Quixote in China: The Search for Peach Blossom Spring.  It is humorous, sexy and cultural.  I guarantee it won’t offend anybody.  May I offer this book for congressmen to be sworn in on or would such an offer merely be discounted as a publicity ploy?  — Posted by Dean Barrett

Well, what can I say?  Ah’s bad.  Yep.  Ah’s bad.

Remember the old Woodstock restaurant and bar on the second floor of Nana Plaza?  It moved to soi 15 off of Thonglor.  Every time I pass by in a taxi it looks empty or nearly so.  I couldn’t figure out how they stayed in business.  So I stopped by for a drink the other night and was immediately recognized by one of the girls who used to work at Larry’s Dive and sure enough there was also manager Sean who also used to work at Larry’s Dive.  And what I learned was interesting.  The owner decided to have smokers stay up on the second floor and use the downstairs for not smoking.  So, sure enough, when I went upstairs I found about thirty Thais and farangs having a good time while downstairs had only five people.  But the thing is, the upstairs cannot be seen from downstairs or from outside.  So anyone passing by would think the place just about empty.  As I did.  Anyway, the menu is interesting, drinks are not expensive, and sooner or later they will have a hotel and a top floor with a view.  They’re working on it.

Yes, many bars did in fact raise the price of a barfine to at least one thousand baht on the 25th and 26th and 31st.  But believe it or not they are not trying to gouge us nor did they want to do it.  It is the only way they can keep dancers in the bars.  Because many of the girls would like to piss off into the night for a couple of days and pay the 600 baht a day for at least two days.  But bar owners have found that if they know they have to pay at least 2,000 baht for two days, they think twice about taking off.  Some still do, but not nearly so many.  (Incredibly, the barfine at Dollhouse on New Year's Eve was a whopping 4,000 - four thousand! - baht.)  So now you know: the main reason for high bar fines at holidays is to keep staff not to relieve your wallet of your hard-earned cash.  Doesn't that information warm the cockles of your heart?  I thought as much.

Lovely Entertainment Providers waiting patiently for some customers on Soi Cowboy.  Some bars are beginning to really feel the heat of the high season and some bars are beginning to feel the pinch.

 

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Someone sent me this and I tried it and it seems to work.  Any experts out there who know anything about this let me know, would you:

"Here is something worth knowing if you have a mobile phone.  There is a simple way of making lost or stolen mobiles useless to thieves and the phone companies know about it - but keep it quiet.  To check your mobile phone's serial number, key in the following on your phone: star-hash-zero-six-hash ( * # 0 6 # ) and a fifteen digit code will appear on the screen.  This is unique to your handset.  Write it down and keep it safe.  Should your mobile phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code.  They will then be able to block your handset, so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.  You won't necessarily get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use / sell it either.  If everybody did this, there would be little point in stealing mobile phones.  (Additionally type in (*#0000#) and you will get the phone version data.  Save that also.)"

The Islamic way of curing adultery.  Let the stoning begin.

 

The governor of Yala province (as well as the Bangkok government) has been kowtowing to the demands of Muslims by releasing Muslim prisoners.  Recently, a few hundred Buddhists gathered on a Yala highway to demand the government stop allowing them to go free.  Here's hoping the governor of Yala gets some steel in his spine for the new year.

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Has anybody ever been to this Heavy Metal club on Soi Langsuan?  I'm not into the music and I want to save my hearing so I've never been.  I can't help wondering though if some really far out Thai chicks head there.


"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
  - Winston Churchill

One of the local Bangkok papers recently estimated the number of foreigners in Thailand's northeast at 15,000.  How much you want to bet that is a very low estimate? 

Pattaya Go-go Update

 

The man or rather the legend known as Polecat in Pattaya has decided to contribute regularly to this column.  So be advised should you be planning a trip to that NeverNeverland by the Sea, you might wish to check the latest here first.  This time the Polecat focuses on  THE TOP TEN GO GO BARS OF PATTAYA.

 

COMINGS AND GOINGS IN PATTAYA

2006 has got be one for the record books: 11 go-go bars closed, but a stonking 16 new ones opened. We waved a fond farewell (or bid a hearty good riddance!) to the 19-69 CLUB (formerly Kittens) in Naklua, MARILYN, JUPITER, BABE WATCH, BENTLEYS (now a pool bar), Circus, Club Electric Blue, and the shortlived Paradise, Images, The Zoo and TEASERS. HIGHWAY STAR relocated to just off Walking Street, and in came a bouncing bunch of brand-new babes (“I working Pattaya only 3 weeks, ching ching!”) to flesh out Angels, Angelwitch, Baby Doll, Broadway Club, Club Electric Blue Jr., Club Oasis, Memories, Rodeo, Roxy, Silver Star (Walking Street), STRINGFELLOWS (Pattaya’s only ladyboy agogo), Taboo, The Blue Lagoon, Tiger, Tramps Showbar, XXX, bringing the grand total of Pattaya go-go bars to 72 (excluding boy bars, and 4 short-time bars in Soi 6 that carry a little pole-dancing). Say an average 15 dancers per bar (and many have more), and that’s over 1000 satin-skinned off-the-peg options in this hire-store made in heaven.

 

However, there’s still no such thing as ‘the perfect agogo’ where every girl is beautiful, a gifted dancer, a warm and eager companion. So in the end it really comes down to personal preference, according to the mood you were in the night you went, or whether you made a connection with a girl. You may have missed the top dancers: they are often barfined early, or clock on nonchalantly late. You may hate the music, or the décor. It’s funny how two people of similar disposition can have radically differing responses to the same bar: – check out the verdicts on DÉJÀ VU in Soi Cowboy given by the Polecat and this website’s only begetter, Dean Barrett, in the 15 December posting.

 

DIFFICULT CHOICES

So, after much weighty deliberation (aided by liberal draughts of Chang) this is the Pattaya Polecat’s personal top ten, in strict order of preference, and I’ll send Lek after you with her kitchen knife if you dare to question it. Some strong contenders didn’t quite make the final list: ANGELWITCH (Soi 15), with its visually striking but curiously dull shows; two smaller bars, CATZ (Soi 16) and VIP (Walking Street), which launched in late 2005 with full crews of gorgeous, eager-to-please staff, but have since gone into decline, though they’re still worth a look; THE BLUE LAGOON (South Pattaya Road), where for 100 baht you can send girls diving naked to retrieve a pool ball; and PARIS (Diamond Arcade) where owner Louis’s Gallic good taste often lines up real stunners with a quasi-European look, and Singha’s only 70 baht.

 

And so, to the finalists: ten places where the Pattaya Polecat never fails to have a good time, where (unless otherwise indicated) the girls are winsome, outgoing, and generally outrageous.

 

POLECAT’S TOP TEN PATTAYA GO-GO BARS

 

1. What’s Up aka PLAYGIRLS (Soi 15).  Those girls really work at giving meaning to the word nubile: soaping themselves under the shower, or limbering up in only a pair of fishnet hold-ups on the back stage, they also redefine writhe, undulate, ripple and several other verbs that haven’t yet been invented. Regular go-go dancers in white offer backup comfort and joy.

 

2. THE Windmill Club (Diamond Passage).  Dirty old man heaven, watching sweet young things naked embracing and exploring each other.  Pushing the boundaries between go-go bar and continuous soft-porn sex show is their favourite exercise. Tips expected from stage-hugging voyeurs.

 

3. Silver Star (Soi 8).  It’s always party time in this intimate bar and the girls – sexy, funny, provocative, some service staff included – have Ph.D.s in smashing farang reserve and dolloping out instant bliss.

 

4. Club Boesché (Soi 16/Covent Garden).  The bar that started the 2-girls-in-a-jacuzzi trend, there are plenty of cuties dancing, hostessing, waitressing as well as bathing.  Great buzz, fair prices.

 

5. SHARK/SHARK CLUB/TIGER (Diamond Arcade upstairs).  3 bars, one management, one style.  Watch knickerless nymphs in 6-inch platforms leaping from tabletop to tabletop, then invite one or two down for a break from their energetic polework.  Pick up a ticket on the way in to claim two generously poured glasses of spirits for under 100 baht.  Catch the Tiger dancers shimmying in tinkly-bell-studded skirts.  Next door the new Tiger lounge bar, with lithe coyotes, gives a space to chill.

 

6. Club Nevada (Soi Post Office).  A cool afternoon venue for R & R – that’s rock ‘n’ roll – and mature appreciation of the unencumbered female form.  The girls will leave you alone to dream away on your own, if that’s how the mood takes you.

 

7. Hot and Cold (Soi Post Office).  A hot afternoon venue for the other R & R.  When you’re in the mood for up close and personal you’ll get pressing offers the minute you walk in, from more than one, too.  These girls can be very persuasive, and with some you don’t need much persuading.  Negotiate for the one-grand in-house deal.

 

8. THE SEA (Diamond Arcade).  In this wonderfully downmarket venue you’ll find about as luscious a collection of tongue-pierced, gum-chewing young slatterns as you could hope to meet either side of midnight, fringed silk wraps round their skinny hips.

 

9. Supergirl (Diamond Arcade): young, serious, pale-skinned girls pull their bras aside and rock to and fro to a disco beat in quick-changing rotation on a circular stage, apparently under orders to treat the customers with disdain (you have to invite them to sit with you).  Like the guards at Buckingham Palace, see if you can make one smile.  Actually, one did flash me a triumphant smile the other night when a farang barfined her and her two equally toothsome little friends.

 

10. HEAVEN ABOVE (Diamond Arcade, upstairs).  Possibly the hippest go-go bar in town: walls, sofas and service in white, well-heeled regulars, and a fine selection of pretty dancers, especially the showgirls (barfine 750 baht) specialising in variously costumed dance-and-strip routines.

 

For a comprehensive and regularly updated guide to all Pattaya’s go-go bars, see http://www.thaianxiety.com/gogo.asp

 

ARE YOU SURE IT’S NOT A MIRAGE, CARRUTHERS?

Just opened on Soi Buakhao, opposite Soi Diana Inn, is the sumptuously-fronted CLUB OASIS with Vegas-style neon lettering sprayed over 3 storeys.  Inside it's spacious and high-ceilinged, with a central dance-stage and 2 individual platforms in opposite corners.  What thrilled this baby-boomer, visiting early evening, was the poppy 1960s musical selection: Hello Mary Lou, Reelin’ and a-Rockin’, Knock on Wood, Good Vibrations… I was nearly weeping into my draught Chang (50 baht all night) with nostalgia, and some of the troupers looked like they might (give or take a decade or so) almost be of an age to cuddle up and share the moment with me.  But there were also two or three knockout dancers, friendly management and service staff, and drinks mostly 100 baht or under.

 

PARADISE REGAINED

It’s arrived at last! THE EDEN CLUB, just round the corner from Club Oasis, in Soi L K Metro.  Same deal as Bangkok – 3500 baht for 2 ladies for 1½ hours – same line on the wall, same play options.  (If you’re not familiar with these, you’ll find all you need to know on the internet).  Manager English John says they’re starting low-key but intend to build up – and assures me the rooms are already more comfortable than the ones in Sukhumvit Soi 7/1.  Open at 1pm, closes at midnight.

 

These 2 openings, in addition to 2 existing go-go bars, and a notorious short-time bar named after a Vladimir Nabokov novel, make Soi Buakhao and streets off, hitherto the herding ground for shaven, tattooed wildlife uttering strange cries in Cockney, Scouse or Geordie, begin to look like a serious player on the Pattaya nightlife scene, a developing counterweight to Walking Street.

 

If you’d like to give feedback on this column, or have any information you’d like to share with the Pattaya Polecat, email pattayapolecat@hotmail.com

 

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Mail Bag

Ok, it's me again and once again it appears that I have to carry the load, and go back for the ammo, and set and keep up the standards; to wit--it is now the 14th in the States which means that it is at least the 15th or the 16th or the 17th in Bangkok so where the blazes is the column? 

 

You think you are so complicated and so clever but I've got you spotted at one thousand yards.  You do this just to jerk around and hurt good people and loyal readers.  You don't care who you hurt.  Monster.  So where is the next column and by-the-way I would like to see a lot more photos of Fon and possibly her sisters and friends.

 

A Fan

 

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Hi Dean, 4 or 5 years ago, I was on a cross country motorcycle trip and entered Canada at a small border crossing in Northern Idaho. I was on a BMW bike, and looked fairly respectable.  The Canadian officer asked where I was from, where the bike was registered, etc.

Then the conversation went like this:
Do you own any guns?  

No.
Are you sure that you don't have a gun with you?  

Yes, I'm sure.
Then what will you do if you get into trouble? 

You will see me break the speed limit with this bike.
Got waved through and continued the trip.

Cheers, Bob Sensale

 

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Hello, Dean, Come on son, it is snowing in Boston and it is the afternoon of the 29th here so it must be at least the 31st in Bangkok so where is the next month's column?  I'm getting sick of pulling up the column and seeing those stupid rice farmers.  So get in the bedroom big boy 'cause momma needs some boom-boom.  No wait . . . ah, just cancel that . . . forget that.  Anyway, if you could stop rubbing salve into your palms from the cut crystal glass slashes you get in the Cowboy bars and put out the next column I would appreciate it.  It's not for me mind you; but there is a little harelipped terminally dandruffed Chilean boy here who has it as his last dying wish.  I'm not even going to read the column and I could care less.  I am much to highly educated and classy and elegant and urbane to wander around in the trough of mediocrity and take moronic pleasure in juvenile pleasures.  And pleeeeeeeeeze . . . lots more pictures of Fon. 

A Concerned Citizen

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I understand how you feel about the pictures of farmers.  When I am sitting in Bangkok pubs such as one named The Londoner, and talking with foreigners speaking English, and with Thai staff who speak English, I have the satisfaction of knowing I am in the real Thailand.  You and I both know all that rice and water buffalo shit was just created for tourists.  Like how the Tourist Association in Hong Kong hires a junk in full sail to sail up and down the harbor because that is what tourists expect even though the junks went over to diesel engines long ago.  And like how they used to replant rice fields near the railroad track when Chairman Mao passed by on a train so he would think his policies were working.  Like how in Iraq when American officials visit they bring in a lot of highly trained actors of Middle Eastern background from off off Broadway to cheer and act grateful. (Although I might have made the last one up but it wouldn't surprise me.)  As for Fon, I will have to see if David will take some pictures and send me a few.

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One of the things I don't like about my country (USA) if that despite our wealth we can't seem to rid our streets of bag ladies.  You would think that poor people such as this miserable creature in the picture would get a better deal in such a rich country but there she is, homeless, heartbroken and wishing someone would take her in.  What a pity!

 

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Links You Might Enjoy

A video of a five-minute walk down Soi Cowboy.  Click here and then click "preview videos."

http://www.pbar.info/videos.html

 

Like satire on Thailand?  Try

http://www.farangaffairs.com.

Like to know what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try http://www.bangkokgigguide.com.

Like to know more in depth about what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try this great site:

http://www.bangkokjungle.com.

 

Tired of shoveling snow?  Check out Bangkok's sunshine.

 

Bangkok's weather report.

 

 

 

A great site for listening to Thai Morlan music and other folk music of Southeast Asia.

 

www.monsoon-country.org

 

 

 

A bit of black leather never hurts.  But she does.

 

Our Lady in Black

 

 

 

Like to learn a bit about retiring in Asia?

 

http://www.retiredexpat.com

 

 

 

Maps of all the provinces of Thailand

 

http://www.thailand-guide.org/maps/index.htm

 

Links You Might Not Enjoy

T-Shirt Hell: for lovers of very black humor only. 

http://www.tshirthell.com.

 

Politically incorrect rants and raves from Uncle Fred.

http://www.fredoneverything.net

 

Girlfriends looking for Taliban boyfriends.

Taliban Singles Dating Page

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Do you have a product or service you would like to advertise on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure, however, to mark the outside envelope:

“Birthday money for Dean Barrett –

Absolutely No Bribe Enclosed

Got feedback to this column?  Got information on Thailand you would like to share?  Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise?  Been ripped off?  Just write me.

 

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Unbelievable as it may seem, no one could guess the masks last week.   Apparently nobody ever goes to Soi Cowboy where the masks are in full display outside of Jungle Jim's bar.  Everybody gone blind?  Several said Livingston's and one said Bourbon Street.  So this week the prize doubles to 7,000 baht in vouchers.  Just be the first to identify this picture below and win 7,000 baht in food and drink vouchers, second prize is one of my books, third prize the usual diddly-squat.   What Bangkok building is this? 

 

 

 

That's all for this fortnightly column.  Drop by again.  Explore the rest of the website.  Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, I love you long time; you number one!"  And, remember: nothing says goodbye like a bullet.  And the more people I meet the more bullets I need.

Dean Barrett can be flamed at: deanbarr@loxinfo.co.th

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