Thailand Nightlife Roundup

Welcome to my website.  Unlike the universe, this website has a purpose: to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere.  And to have some fun.

Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)

There is a contest every two weeks when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive vouchers worth at least 3,000 baht in food and drink, i.e., 500 baht each, from Larry's Dive, The Old Dutch, Electric Blue, The Big Mango, PJ's Steak & Rib Grill, and Bourbon Street Cafe. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting.  It will double to 6,000 and, if still no winner, to 9,000, etc.  Second prize is one of my books.  And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).

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OK, by popular demand, here are more pictures of Fon.  And why is it every time I ask a beautiful girl in Bangkok where she is from she says "Buriram"?  I still think there must be something in the water up there.  Fon and her husband Dave paid an all too brief visit to Bangkok and are by now back up there with the water buffalo and fish and rice and tea.  You may recall I thanked Dave in the acknowledgements section of Skytrain to Murder for his input on scuba diving as he is a Master Diver.  Now, for well over a year, Dave has been a Master Farmer up in Buriram and I will be pumping him for more information, this time about farming because I'm working on the sequel of Skytrain to Murder and my detective will go up to Buriram for whatever reason (maybe to see Fon).

When the Buriram government needed workers to pave a road in the vicinity of Dave's property, they were hard-pressed to get them because they were offering baht 120 per day.  Yes, per day!  Workers there generally make about 200 baht per day.  So they only had four or five workers for the job of mixing cement, laying the road, etc.  But once they started Dave would buy them some watermelon or other fruit when vendors came around if he happened to be there.  He also brought them out some beer and sometimes whisky.  Word quickly got around and suddenly instead of not having enough workers there was a waiting list for the job.  The government finally had to cut it off at 12 workers.

At one point, one of the female workers showed Dave and Fon her workboots with a hole in them and the size as well, hoping no doubt Dave would buy her a new pair.  Dave thought that was a bit much but when he went to town in the market he found that the boots were 80 baht a pair.  No big deal, so he bought them.  She was overjoyed and gave her old boots to a female worker who had been wearing sandals.  The next morning, the first woman came to Dave's house with special Thai sweets she had made as a thank you.

Because the new concrete road was laid on top of the old dirt road, there was a six-inch height difference where the road met Dave's driveway.  So the workers started to smooth that out but the bosses said no way, you don't get paid to work on private property.  Next morning, the workers were back with the equipment.  They explained that they wanted to thank Dave for his kindness so were working for free to smooth out his driveway and since the equipment was there anyway the bosses had said they could use it.  Nice folks up there in Buriram.  Good looking too!

 

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What a week it's been: Two young, female Russian tourists shot dead by some complete asshole in Jomtien Beach; Martin Scorsese finally won an oscar; a film producer says he found Jesus's tomb; The Thai government is talking more and more about the possibility of Muslim fanatics in Bangkok universities planning on killing people in Bangkok; and a guy in Arizona was sentenced to 200 (two hundred!) years in prison with no possibility of parole or early out for having child porn on his computer.  I could understand the punishment if he had actually done something with a child but isn't that a bit much for this crime?  Apparently not; the Supreme Court refused to review it.  So dat dere boy gonna do the time.  If he had killed a child he would have got less time.  Makes you wonder about the Justice system.  Hmmm, how old is Fon, I wonder?  Hope I'm not in deep doo doo here.

Great news!  It's official!  I thought it might never happen but it did!  Yesterday my novel set in China, Hangman's Point, hit the New York Times Best Seller list!  Yes, friends, yesterday is the day I cut out the NYTimes best seller list from the NYTimes newspaper, pasted it on my bedroom wall, then threw a copy of my book at it.  On the second try the book hit the best seller list!  Tomorrow, I shall paste up the Publishers Weekly best seller list and throw again.  There's no stopping me now!

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Did you enjoy lunar new year?  It must always fall between January 20 and February 20.  That's just the way it is.  I didn't make up the rules.  Anyway, I just happened to be jiveassing on Sukhumvit soi 33 when I heard the sound of a dragon's roar and a long, ferocious dragon stretched down the soi and headed into the Dali bar.  I take it the idea was a bit of an offering from the bars brought good luck from the gods and good will from the dragon.  Anyway, it is the Year of the Pig so when your main squeeze yells at you for pigging out just tell her the Year of the Pig only comes once every 12 years.

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Hypocrisy

OK, I didn't want to get into this because it makes me too damn angry but let's get into it.  A Thai actress and Thammasat student, Chotiros Suriyawong, wore a very sexy black gown at some film awards, Thailand's version of the Oscars.  The reaction of Thammasat University male administrators was to condemn and humiliate the woman and issue warnings and force her to do community service such as reading books to the blind.  How about reading books to the stupid like the rector of Thammasat University and the other chauvinist males who hypocritically criticized her?  Maybe the rector and his staff haven't noticed the incredibly short skirts and tight blouses of the school uniforms on its women students?  And because they thought the gown had no underwear she was forced to show them it had sewn-in underwear.  And a picture of her appeared in local papers when she was in tears over it all.  It gets worse: The head of Sahamongkol films, Somsak Techaratanaprasert, ordered all footage of the actress to be deleted from one of his movies.  Duh, gee, I guess this guy never used sex appeal as a selling point in any of his films, right?  The actress said she was sorry and apologized.  She should have blown away a few of these hypocrites with a Smith & Wesson Police Special.

And what about the feminazis?  You know, those Western women living in Thailand who condemn Western male chauvinists?  Well, those good little girls are as quiet as church mice.  Yep.  Not one letter from a woman supporting the actress.  I know there is at least one farang women's writers group in Bangkok. What are they doing?  Navel-gazing?  Meditating?  Too busy babbling about "relationships"?  Some of the websites set up to oppose Militant Islam are asking the same question.  Why are the feminists so silent when it comes to criticizing Muslim males for the horrible way Muslim women are treated in many countries?  My theory is this:  We - that is white heterosexual males - are a soft target.  They figure the odds are we won't blow them away no matter how much they deserve it.  But Muslim men just might; and Muslim men don't take their shit.  Hence, Western women in Thailand - no matter how many Thai women get clubbed to death as with a golf club by their husbands (remember that one?) - are going to be good little girls and never stand up for women like Chotiros.  They make me sick.  And so do the Thai men who humiliated the actress.  Assholes!

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What can one say about the BeerGarden on Sukhumvit soi 7 that hasn't been said already?  It certainly is fun to wander about enjoying the night air in such places.

 

OK, here's a warning to us all.  I have a friend whose former Thai girlfriend calls him up whenever she has a problem with her latest farang boyfriend, whom we'll call, say, George.  The other night she called my friend up late and in a very bad mood really upset with George over the fact that he lies to her all the time.  My friend asked how she knew that.  She said he said he was just going to pay a quick visit to a friend who needs a loan and would be right back.  He said he was going to his apartment.  But he didn't.  My friend asked, "How do you know that?"  She said the guard at the gate of the building overheard him tell the taxi driver "Soi Cowboy."  My friend asked, "But why would the guard tell you this?"  She said, "Because I pay him five hundred baht a month."  So there you have it.  If you thought the Thai guard was not on the side of your Thai girlfriend, you were very much mistaken.

 

Here we have little Lolitas in pleated skirts at Nana Plaza from the Crown Group, I believe, lining up to get their paychecks.  Somebody certainly knows how to dress them.

 

Another Thai lady who retired early had a fish on the line long distance from Canada.  He said he would try to help her so he asked what she needed.  She said she could use money.  He asked how much.  She replied 30,000 baht a month.  This is a guy who only met the lady in question on the internet, never in person.  So he gradually disappeared.  Some of these girls are simply too greedy.  Had she asked for 7,000 or so from him, and found a few more at the going rate, things would have worked out.

 

Yet another tale I was told about a Thai entertainment provider who married a millionaire and went to live with him in a lovely house in Canada.  Sure enough, with six months, she had started mucking about with Japanese guys.  She lost big time.  Sometimes a little common sense goes a long ways.

Did you know that if you wish to visit the Lava Cave near Kanchanaburi it will cost you 400 baht?  And it will cost a Thai only 40 baht.  Just thought I'd mention it.  And has anybody else noticed how damn expensive the fruit is in Villa markets?  It is much more than in the States!  I don't get it.  Why?  If you'd like to buy a fist-sized bag of sliced walnuts for your cereal, you'll shell out over US$3.  What is their problem?

 

More civilians were killed by Muslim extremists in two hours on September 11th than in the 36 years of sectarian conflict in Northern Ireland.

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Thanks to Ray Huxley for submitting the above photograph showing how to keep Jehovah's Witnesses from knocking.

 

I love this one.  I found it on the BBC.com site: "US contingency plans for air strikes on Iran extend beyond nuclear sites and include most of the country's military infrastructure, the BBC has learned."   Wow!  BBC has learned that contingency plans in the event of war - which is what this would be - include Iran's military infrastructure!  Well, what the fuck did they think contingency plans would include taking out?  Brothels?  Go go bars?  Fruit and vegetable farms?  Scoop of the decade!  You go, BBC!

The following from Wikipedia.com:

Don't! Buy! Thai! was a campaign initiated in the early 1990s by Andrew Vachss to boycott purchases of goods and services produced in Thailand until Thailand introduced formal and practical reforms to significantly curtail prostitution of children.  The organization of Don't! Buy! Thai! was intentionally informal, with promoters refusing donations.

The campaign had great difficulty attracting attention from television, radio, and print media; so discussion was largely on the Internet.  And, on the Internet, it came under vociferous attack by Sean Parlaman, who variously accused its campaigners of being fundamentalist Christians, right-wing bigots, and themselves pedophiliacs.  (Parlaman later died in an apparent suicide while under investigation for sexually assaulting boys in Thailand.)

In 2000, frustrated by the lack of traction and noting that the prostitution of children to pedophiliac sexual tourists had become less concentrated in Thailand (while it had become more prevalent in other countries), Vachss and most of the most involved campaigners abandoned the boycott.

Andrew Vachss is a writer of mysteries and a good one.  I knew he was into protecting children but I had not realized he'd led a boycott.  As far as I'm concerned you can hang pedophiles but I'm surprised he'd ever thought a Don't Buy Thai campaign would attract enough attention to succeed.

As This picture proves...well, it proves something.

 

One of the things I love about attending Thai wedding receptions - other than the fact that it isn't mine - is that I know there will be lovely young Thai women dressed to the nines and they will be smiling and friendly.  My friend James Pate and the lovely Oh had their wedding at the Marriott Hotel on the river which is a very picturesque place especially at night.  I was standing around in the midst of all these beautiful women wondering why not one of them was cadging me for a drink when somebody nearby said, because you're at a wedding reception, you idiot!  Oh, that's right, I forgot. Not every woman I meet expects me to buy them a drink, sometimes, due to my chosen lifestyle, I tend to forget.  Still, by my standards, being among a lot of lovely young women not one of whom is asking for a lady's drink is kind of well, kinky.  And what is it about a Thai woman's shoulder (as in picture number three) that always makes me want to bite it?  I must have been a vampire in a past life.

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Listen to the King's (Royal Thai) anthem at this site

 

http://www.ClubElectricBlue.com

Pattaya Go-go Update

 

The man or rather the legend known as Polecat in Pattaya has decided to contribute regularly to this column.  So be advised should you be planning a trip to that NeverNeverland by the Sea, you might wish to check the latest here first. 

 

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!

If, like the Polecat, you’ve been putting off going to THE CASTLE (http://www.the-castle-pattaya.com/) because of the high prices, or because you’re scared of getting a damn good thrashing (which, let’s face it, being in Pattaya, you probably deserve), think again. The Polecat’s just lost his Castle cherry, and is now manically putting aside all his little silver bahts for the next visit.

 

You ring the front-door bell (having remembered to wear a black shirt – but if you haven’t, don’t worry, you’ll be loaned one), and the door opens a crack, and a woman asks, sotto voce, if you’ve been before, and if you understand that the first drink will cost you 900 baht. You nod, and take your seat at the bar, and peer into the long dark chamber, with its black-leather-furnished recesses suggestively spotlit – you can make out a rack in one, a 7-foot-high St Andrew’s cross in another, a dentist’s chair in a third. A group of girls in PVC straps and collars gathers in front of you and forms a tableau. One kneels, handcuffed, blindfolded and stripped to the waist, another is manacled face-forward to an upright sheet-metal frame, and the other girls drip hot wax on their victims’ exposed flesh, slap them with leather paddles and bare hands, and kneel and tongue them while being caressed and tongued themselves. Then the severe mamasan brings two of the girls over and invites you to spank them, then go off into a recess and play – with one or more of the girls, your budget the only limit.

 

The girls are relaxed and, starting on a comfy sofa, encourage you to develop your own fantasy scenario. You are surprised how willingly you assent to buying them a drink (250 baht), as they slip off your clothing, and stroke, probe and squeeze you, with little moans and squeals of mun kieo! the Thai equivalent of “so good I could eat you!” If you want to be submissive, they may cuff or strap you, blindfold you, attach nipple clamps, lightly whip or slap you, all the while helping you to maintain arousal – and all the time you, the customer, are really in control, and can stop or change what’s happening at any moment. And if you want to play hard, the girls will hand over the props and follow you down that road, though you’ll find there’s a limit if you start to get carried away. Their main aim is to get you off, by mouth or by hand (for full sex you’ll have to take the girl(s) out) – but to give you something rich and strange on the way.

 

Now the Polecat’s never knowingly been into bondage, or S & M, or BDM, or whatever they call it – but learning to play with these ladies, trying out new things and testing the boundaries, and finding they go back a long, long way… well, it’s exhilarating, enlarging (in more ways than 17!) and pretty soon you get a sense almost like you’re flying high, and you might well lose control, and what a wonderful thing that would be!

 

And then… “You buy me one more drink? You give tip, sir?” How could I forget! These girls are working, and after giving you 30-45 minutes of their time and expertise, they now want to be paid. No figure is ever mentioned, and my 500 baht each is accepted, though I think 1000 baht is what’s expected – well, I might have gone that high, if I hadn’t had a sense they were hurrying me to a conclusion (maybe you can negotiate a longer session). And the prices beg the question: are you really getting more for your money? The Polecat’s had regular go-go girls who are happy to dress up and play all sorts of games, and has heard of sadeet farang barfining beer-bar girls at rock-bottom prices for frankly violent sessions. The Castle’s staff – not that young, it has to be said, though cute enough in the semi-darkness – want 3000 baht for a short-time, 5000 for a long-time – and 5000+ short-time if you’re the dom. And that’s on top of the 1500 baht barfine.

 

(The high bar-prices also ensure exclusivity, keeping casual or merely curious visitors out, and allow a degree of privacy – you may well be the only customer in the bar).

 

I guess it depends on you. Like the Bangkok-Pattaya Hospital, where you know the eye-watering fees are buying you the highest levels of skill (you do know that, don’t you?), if you believe you can go further with these girls, or that they will be more understanding, responsive and downright expert at giving you what you want, then it’s money well spent. Same argument for The Hell Club/Eden Club (see next posting).

 

Open from 5.30pm, The Castle is situated on the southern half of Third Road, right next-door to the Buffalo Bar – any taxi-driver will know where that is – formerly the hottest indoor beer-bar in town. It’s suffered a sad decline in staff numbers over the past year – no pretty wai-ing welcoming committee, they even struggle now to get one girl up on a pole dancing – but it still has a few super-sexy hostesses, reasonable drinks prices, and it’s a great port of call for a bit of Dutch courage before crossing the drawbridge (metaphorically speaking) next door.

 

UP TO Y.U.   

The number of go-go bars in Jomtien has just doubled! Just up the road from the cozy, welcoming WE ARE NUMBER ONE on Thappraya Road (see this column, 15 December 2006) is the new single shop-house 3-pole Y.U.’S CLUB. The interior is some drunk teenage decorator’s idea of urban chic, though the white wall-tiles reminded me of the gents’ conveniences in Piccadilly Circus underground station. Music is standard disco. The 5 dancers are oddly dressed in black net nighties over black bikinis, but are actually rather toothsome, and every now and then give their gyrations some welly, as we say in the UK, holding you with a smouldering look, like a fisherman casting a fly. Mineral water is a surprisingly cheap 30 baht – but beer and spirits are 90-100 baht, and ladydrinks a stiff 120 baht. The barfine for dancers is 500 baht, for service girls 300 baht, and when asked about a show, the mamasan trotted out the old line: “You pay bar lady, she give you show, in room you.” Worth a look-in if the Jomtien beer-bar girls all look too depressing.

 

TRICKS NOT TRICKS

For a night out away from the bars the Tuxedo show at the MAGIC CASTLE, just north of Big C on Second Road, is good clean family fun. 3 young Thai conjurers, with 4 very pretty, very young female assistants, do a whirlwind show of clever tricks with cards, hankies, doves and magic boxes. Not knowing anything about the magical arts, my Thai companion and I were entranced – or is that enchanted? – but disappointed when it ended after less than 30 minutes. Price on the door is 450 baht, but you can get tickets for 250 baht if you’ve bought a pass to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not in the Royal Garden Plaza, and sometimes cut-price or even free tickets are available as promotions in and around Big C.

 

Talking about illusions, I was dragged into the GACUYA boy-bar in Soi Pattayaland 1 the other night around 11.30pm to see their show. I sat forbearingly through the usual acts with oil and candle-wax – then sat up with a jolt when 2 young lads came on naked, one sat hard on the other’s lap, apparently in order to form a tight joint, and then they put on an amazing 3-minute acrobatic act of somersaults, windmill and helicopter effects without coming unstuck. The original Siamese Twins, perhaps – I’ve never seen anything like it, in a gay or straight venue, and I still don’t know if they really were joined at the loins.

 

GO-GO UPDATE

         NEW LIVING DOLLS 1 (Walking Street) now has a jacuzzi, and the dancers on the new mini-platforms now dance naked right in front of your seat.

         HIGHWAY STAR (Beach Road, by Walking Street entrance) also now has a jacuzzi.

         CRYSTAL (Soi Pattayaland 2) has switched sex to CRYSTAL BOYS, and the girls have moved in to RODEO GIRLS up the street to give it a huge line-up (36 dancers) for a small bar.

         CLUB OASIS (Soi Buakhao) has diluted its nostalgic early ’60s pop selection with AOR from any era, with a predictably treacly effect on the girls’ dancing.

 

FEEDBACK: If you want to give feedback on anything in this column, or if you have any information you’d like to pass on, email pattayapolecat@hotmail.com

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Sometimes, as you can see, there are more girls on Soi Cowboy than customers.  Yes, sometimes it happens that way.  But on a very recent Friday night, by ten o'clock there was no room inside Soi Cowboy's Dollhouse to sit down.  Dollhouse is becoming like the Angelwitch or Rainbow 4 of Nana Plaza in that it seems to be booming in the best of times, in the worst of times.  It is true, that with the Royal Thai Police shakeup, officers are nervous, and closing times at bars in Nana Plaza and elsewhere might change drastically and without notice.  Police are being suddenly transferred and no one is quite certain what lies ahead.  But, at least for now, the show goes on.  Thanks to Steve Powell for submitting the photograph of Soi Cowboy in 1981.  As well as the three 1972 Pattaya shots below.  How times change.

 

 

By coincidence, I had been writing about the beggars in Bangkok, especially the kids, and one of the local newspapers ran an article about how they are indeed controlled by gangs and some kids are bought or rented or kidnapped, sometimes from other countries.  Apparently, the gangs get "permission slips" from the parents so they cannot be arrested by the police.  The Powers that Be agree that giving money doesn't help and actually hurts and increases the gangs' profits and perpetuates the situation.  As I said, giving the kids toys, or at least a wave and a big smile is probably the best we can do.  A sad situation.

 

 

Aren't these young ladies adorable?  On the left we have the sexy Jewel of Russia vodka girl and on the right we have the lovely Chang Light girl.  Needless to say, I feel obliged to buy their products even though Chang Light doesn't really go with vodka.  It is a nice photograph and would have been a better one but as you can see my friend Michael got his hand in the way.  But Michael is from an exotic country said to exist just north of the USA, contiguous in fact, so one must make allowances.

 

Another great site for music, especially that during the Vietnam War:
http://chu65nang67.us/nam/vietnam.html

 

 

This Air Force chick posed for Playboy magazine and I believe is therefore no longer in the Air Force.  I would have promoted her and used her in recruitment campaigns.

Meanwhile, in southern Thailand, Muslim terrorists are, as usual, busy killing people of all ages and either sex.  The bombings, beheadings and burnings continue and the Thai (now Muslim) government hasn't got a clue. Among others Muslims killed since my last column here is just one report: "Suspected militants shot dead a teenage boy before hacking at his body with an axe and setting it alight in the latest in a number of gruesome attacks across the Muslim-majority South."  Ah, yes, the religion of peace.  Founded by Muhammad, a man of virtue, right?  Well, you be the judge.  Here is a four-sentence summary:

"Muhammad had sex with just about anyone he pleased, thanks to Allah's remarkable interest in his personal sex life.   Muhammad was married to eleven women at one time, relegating them to either consecutive days or (according to some accounts) all in one night.  He married a 9-year-old girl and even his adopted son's wife.  On top of that he had a multitude of slave girls and concubines with whom he had sex - sometimes on the very days in which they had watched husbands and fathers die at the hands of Muhammad's armies. So, by any realistic measure, the creator of the world's most sexually restrictive religion was also one of the most sexually indulgent characters in history."
 

The writer might have added that when folks frowned upon Muhammad mucking about with his adopted son's wife, he very conveniently received a message from Allah that it was OK.  And people think I'm profligate?  Two or three days ago the New York Times ran a story on what was happening in Thailand's south.  It's worse than you thought:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/26/world/asia/26thailand.html?hp

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The new Duke of Wellington pub on Silom near Patpong is doing quite well, building up a following already.  The pub attracts business people at lunch and after work, lots of Thais, local pub habitués, expats looking for an English pub and tourists from surrounding hotels.  And of course for those who get off on watching half men half children with the IQ's of dying chrysanthemums kick balls into nets the crowds are there to watch sporting matches on the big projector.  Like all pubs, there are specials on the beer prices.  For example, Monday - Heineken 95 baht 4 till close, Tuesday - Guinness 130 baht 7 till close, Wednesday - Tiger 80 baht 4 till close.  Lots of others too. 

 

They expect to be adding live music soon as well.  Maybe they'll ask me to read some poetry from The Go Go Dancer who Stole My Viagra.  Maybe they won't.  Anyway, just a reminder for those of you who hated history in school, the Duck, sorry, I mean Duke of Wellington was the guy who surrendered to Andy Jackson at the Battle of New Orleans, then, being a lover of things French, went on to found l'ecole Musical du Classic in Kalasin, got involved with the Ch'ing Dynasty Wars against the Taipings in China where he led the Ever Victorious Army and finally went to Khartoum where he got beheaded by the Muslims, which was caught on a crude video at the time, and his head looked a lot like Charlton Heston.

 

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Mail Bag

Hello Dean,  I thought your last column was a good one. I would think to a certain extent that people don't approve of your life style because they are envious. My Thai wife is a good gal and we have been hanging around for a long time now, in fact we are both getting old, and our "little" boy is about through college. She and I spend my time free from work together so it is "mia ma khum" and we don't go in the "Texxan" because there is "too damned much smoke in there" but it sounds like you go where you want and do pretty much what you want to do. My advice, for what ever little it is worth, is to ignore the critics and if what you have makes you happy keep on as you are! I believe I have read all of your Thai books but none of those set in China or New York. If we can find them in the bookstores in June, when we are next there, I will buy them.  Cheers, Glenn

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Dean,  Interesting what you wrote about hotel towels and the environment issue. What they are REALLY saying is, 'Please help us save money by not washing your dirty towels for you'.  I know this because a few months ago I stayed at a hotel in Tokyo - Le Meridien Grand Pacific, okay, because they deserve credit - and they have a policy of giving you a voucher for 2000 Yen (about $17) for each day you elect not to have the room serviced. You can do that for up to two consecutive days, and use the voucher(s) against any hotel expense such as your room or restaurant bill. Since seeing that, I've thought bollocks to the others who offer nothing back.  Bangkok Barry

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Dean, and you thought I was a weirdo with my finger length test HA....... tune your TV (if you have UBC) to the show that's on this week called "Mad Lab" on the national geographic channel it's one of those shows that check science like mythbusters and presto a segment on "The length of finger and testerone levels". It shows the correlation of pointing finger length to the amount of testosterone.  See I'm not a nutcase..... claymore

Amazing!  I didn't see the show but I admit I am begoggled to learn that there really is such a correlation.  Sorry, Claymore, but the fact that you read this column is ispo facto proof that you are a nutcase.

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Hi Dean, How about some massage parlour Reviews?    Thank you Al  in NY

Al, a great suggestion.  But, considering there are more massage parlors in Bangkok than there are brothels in Amsterdam, that would quickly become a very expensive proposition.  So if you will be good enough to send me a check I will be pleased to check them out.  Another problem is that once you have found one you really like with lovely ladies you really like, why go elsewhere?  Also, if you are in New York, how come you spell "parlour" the British way?  But in the name of Bangkok-NY friendship, I promise to get myself soaped up within the next ten days.  Nothing is too strenuous or too exhausting or too demanding if a reader of this column requests it.

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Links You Might Enjoy

A video of a five-minute walk down Soi Cowboy.  Click here and then click "preview videos."

http://www.pbar.info/videos.html

 

Like satire on Thailand?  Try

http://www.farangaffairs.com.

Like to know what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try http://www.bangkokgigguide.com.

Like to know more in depth about what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try this great site:

http://www.bangkokjungle.com.

 

Tired of shoveling snow?  Check out Bangkok's sunshine.

 

Bangkok's weather report.

 

 

 

A great site for listening to Thai Morlan music and other folk music of Southeast Asia.

 

www.monsoon-country.org

 

 

 

A bit of black leather never hurts.  But she does.

 

Our Lady in Black

 

 

 

Like to learn a bit about retiring in Asia?

 

http://www.retiredexpat.com

 

 

 

Maps of all the provinces of Thailand

 

http://www.thailand-guide.org/maps/index.htm

 

Links You Might Not Enjoy

T-Shirt Hell: for lovers of very black humor only. 

http://www.tshirthell.com.

 

Politically incorrect rants and raves from Uncle Fred.

http://www.fredoneverything.net

 

Girlfriends looking for Taliban boyfriends.

Taliban Singles Dating Page

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Do you have a product or service you would like to advertise on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure, however, to mark the outside envelope:

“Birthday money for Dean Barrett –

Absolutely No Bribe Enclosed

Got feedback to this column?  Got information on Thailand you would like to share?  Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise?  Been ripped off?  Just write me.

 

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OK, last week the deal was:  Whoever writes the most humorous caption for the picture of the go go dancers on Soi Cowboy wins the prize.  I said I be da judge.  There were several good entries but the one I picked said much the same as some of the others but said it in a concise, pithy way:   "Lek, you go short and Noi you go long.  On 2".  I think you will agree that was a good one!  Thanks to all who entered.  (I hate using the word "pithy"; it makes me feel kind of well, faggy.)  So enter this column's contest and win 3,000 baht in food and drink vouchers, second prize is one of my books, third prize the usual diddly-squat.  For those of you hung over, look to your right to find this column's picture.  The picture was taken in Bangkok.  Inside what establishment? 

Of course, when one does a column, there are always a lot of wise guys out there who send in captions of a satirical nature.  Here are a few I received from one such gentleman:

GIRL A
Isn't that the extraordinarily gifted poet, writer and musical impresario - Dean Barrett?
 
GIRL B
No. You're mistaken. It's actually a Hollywood movie star in town making a film. You confused his rugged good looks for Dean's manly charms.
 
 
Or:
  
 
GIRL A
Where are we? Who are we? What are we doing?
 
GIRL B
I don't know. Dean Barrett's webmastering skills don't extend to putting up a decent sized picture.
 
 
or
 
GIRL A
Did you hear that Dean Barrett had a stroke?
 
GIRL B
I hope he gave you a good tip.
 
 
or
 
GIRL A
You know what I love about Dean Barrett - his syntax.
 
GIRL B
Oh, is that what he's calling a barfine these days.
 
 
or
 
GIRL A
I can't bear to turn around to face the camera. I have such ugly teeth.
 
GIRL B
You should call my friend Dean Barrett.
 
 
or
 
GIRL A
Dean Barrett says he wants to take me out and subject me to unspeakably horrible and dirty things.
 
GIRL B
Oh, is he having another public reading?
 
 
or
 
 
GIRL A
Shh. Don't tell anybody but I'm actually Dean Barrett in disguise.
 
GIRL B
Oh please Christopher, stop fantasizing.
 
 
 
or
 
 
GIRL A
Don't you just love the way my long raven-black hair caresses my golden shoulders, before gliding down my soft chocolate skin, while my pert buttocks long to be released from their denim cage, so that my naked limbs can stretch out unashamed on crisp white sheets, my skin glistening in the warmth of the night.
 
GIRL B
Did Dean Barrett write you as well?

 

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That's all for this fortnightly column.  Drop by again.  Explore the rest of the website.  Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, I love you long time; you number one!"  And, remember: nothing says goodbye like a bullet.  And the more people I meet the more bullets I need.

Dean Barrett can be flamed at: deanbarr@loxinfo.co.th

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