Welcome to my website.  Unlike the universe, this website has a purpose: to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere.  And to have some fun.

Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)

There is a contest every two weeks when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive vouchers worth at least 3,000 baht in food and drink, i.e., 500 baht each, from Larry's Dive, The Old Dutch, Electric Blue, The Big Mango, PJ's Steak & Rib Grill, and Bourbon Street Cafe. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting.  It will double to 6,000 and, if still no winner, to 9,000, etc.  Second prize is one of my books.  And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).

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The Maka Bucha Ceremony (full moon day of the third lunar month) was held recently closing various bar areas and yet leaving others open.  I decided to head off to a temple to watch the ceremony as when people walk around a temple with their candles and lotus and incense it can be quite beautiful.  The event is in celebration of the 1250 disciples of Buddha gathering without prior announcement to hear a sermon of the Buddha.  Of course, heading off to a larger temple and photographing time lapse or whatever it's called to catch the flow of the candles' light would have been the way to do it.  Maybe next year.

One of the areas that was open was Nana but not Cowboy.  And yet Cowboy is more racy than Nana.  No logic there but TIT.  I stopped into the Londoner Pub on the night of the festival and it was packed.  I guess people had heard that pubs were still open and still serving plus there was some important soccer match for those who get their rocks off watching young guys kick balls into nets.  Standing room only.  You see Thai entertainment usually has live entertainment so that is a no no and they have to close and of course same for go go bars, etc.  But pubs are in a grey area and usually have no problem serving on Buddhist holidays.  I am told it is definitely not against Thai law for nightlife establishments to remain open on a Buddhist holiday.  But if owners know what is good for them they will go with the flow.

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As I may have mentioned before, as a writer, I love language.  For example, I hate it when some floozy reading the news on BBC uses "impacted" instead of "affected" as in "the earthquake impacted the town."  It hurts my ears, it makes me froth at the mouth, it makes me sexually excited, it makes me want to run out and rape somebody.  Anyway, here are two choice examples I spotted recently in a NY Times article of people who need to be horsewhipped:

"Negative externalities??!!  What!  Where did she get that from?  How much you want to bet that a chick who uses terms like "negative externalities" will starfish on you in bed?

OK, second example: "The exploration of sexuality on college campuses has often had a political, communitarian component."  Communitarian component!!??  What the fuck is that?  This guy should be forced to go to bed with the chick in the first example.  Maybe his negative externality can fill up her communitarian component.

By the way, the same NYTimes report on racy college newspapers mentioned an example in which the sentence concluded: "...wrote a Boink contributor in an essay called "Fall Fornication Must-Haves," which apparently included crotchless bikinis and a Swarovski-crystal-encrusted dildo called the Minx."  Swarovski-crystal-encrusted dildo?  Who the hell is Swarovski?  And what did he do in life that he gets a dildo named after him?

Washington Square really does have everything, doesn't it?  And it will have for at least the next two years.  Remember how a few years ago everybody was in a panic thinking the end was near?  Well, last year the leases were extended for three years.  So there are now two to go.  It might be after two more years the Square is kaput and Squaronians as we are known will have to move elsewhere.  And then I have to figure out in my sequels to Skytrain to Murder where the detective will live because he now lives over the Boots and Saddle which is based on the Texas Lone Staar Saloon.  So both real people and fictional detectives are worried about it but we'll just have to wait and see.  But Ned, owner of the Silver Dollar Bar in one of the corners of the Square, has enlarged his bar, so he wouldn't have done that if he thought the end was near.  Meanwhile, the Mambo Show goes on with record crowds of Japanese tourists posing for pictures with the ladyboys after the show  (see pictures below).  Plus there are real massage parlors, hanky-panky massage parlors, bars like the Texas Lone Staar Saloon and Wild Country and Cat's Maew and New Square One, English pubs like the Hare and Hound, really good restaurants like Bourbon Street, and as of a few months ago a Muay-Thai school replaced a Thai restaurant.  And the beat goes on! 

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A lot of folks ask me what I am working on; what book will be out next.  Believe it or not, I don't spend all my time in go go bars and pubs.  Well, not quite all.  This is the (almost final) cover of my next novel, Dragon Slayer.  Actually, three novellas in one book with Chinese themes.  You'd like to read about American GI's in a UH-C helicopter gunship in Vietnam in 1968 transporting an American murderer ending up in 1857 China clashing with all female units of Taiping warriors, pirates, Manchu warriors, etc., wouldn't you?  And all the while they're trying to figure out a way to get back to 1968.  I mean, where else can you read about a tall ship (24-gun Frigate) commanded by foreign and Chinese pirates doing battle with a nearly disabled American helicopter gunship and all the while the Americans are trying to get laid with the beautiful Chinese women warriors and hoping the feng-shui man is right about how they might get the hell out of the 19th century?  (I think I'm getting lost in the plot if not losing the plot.)  Anyway, should be out around July (if I can resist temptations of Bangkok which is doubtful).  There will eventually be a notice for a signing plastered on the door of the Texas Lone Staar Saloon assuming I am not too plastered myself.  As always, Robert Stedman in Singapore is designing a great cover.  The first of the three novellas, Dragon Slayer, is also written as a filmscript and the second, Bones of the Chinamen, as a play.  Both are on the One Act Play page on the second welcome page.

Here is a very short slide presentation of Buddhism in Thailand while I read a short poem.  Just click the YouTube arrow to start it.

A friend told me a horrible tale about a guy he knows who married a Thai chick and took her to England.  He opened up a Thai restaurant and even though she lived in a really nice house and had money she began having real good times with the lowest of the Thai cooks in the restaurant.  So the guy sued for divorce.  My friend claims the British government is paying for her lawyer and also helping with her visa problems so she can stay while countersuing.  Does stuff like this really go on in Britain?

Hard to believe Dept.  I am on a kind of listserve or whatever it is called and get e-mails whenever a member sends to the group and I send some as well.  Copies of my e-mails that I send to the group always appear in my incoming box.  Recently, I sent a few e-mails that did not appear in my box as they always do but I could tell from replies that the group got them.  I figured maybe the listserve had a new policy or since I live in Bangkok and they don't, maybe they were trying to punish me.  Now I just checked my Outlook Express junkmail folder and all my e-mails are in there.  My junkmail filter is filtering out my e-mails to me!  Duh!

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I have a married friend from out of town who asked to be taken around a bit so I took him to Cowboy.  Upstairs at Baccara the young dancers must have felt the air-conditioning was insufficient because they soon removed their shirts, even though they had nothing underneath.  The same thing happened in other bars such as Dollhouse and Suzie Wong and Rawhide where items of clothing were soon heaped on the stage or thrown overboard.  It must be a problem with the electricity grid in the Soi Cowboy area.  It must be so stifling hot up on the stages that the girls can't continue dancing without disrobing.  I sure hope bar owners will get those air-conditioners fixed promptly so the dancers won't have to disrobe all the time.  My friend just kept looking at the dancers on stage and saying, "It's not fair; it's not fair."  Well, guys like him can always even up the odds to make it more fair: Get a divorce and move to Bangkok.

One last look at colorful lunar New Year celebrations.  Lots of shrines have elements of Thai, Chinese, Hindu, Khmer, animism, what have you.  Cool stuff.

I just tried to download Windows Media Player 11 and while it was happening a notice came up something to the effect that "Your Windows isn't genuine so we're not going to let you download the latest media player so fuck you, nyah nyah!"  What the hell do they mean my Windows isn't genuine?  I bought it a long time ago so I can't remember exactly where but it would have been at either Fortune IT or Pantip Plaza.  These Windows people are getting nuttier than a fruitcake.

"Just last week the nation woke up to shocking Thai-language newspaper headlines along the lines of "Sexy skimpy-uniform-wearing girls smoking cigarettes at Wat Pho!" Steve Suphan in the Nation wrote an excellent article involving women in Thailand and the Ministry of Culture.  Just click here.  And, by the way, wasn't this ultra-conservative woman from the Ministry of Culture (a "khunying," of course) the one who banned that book on Thailand, Thailand Inside Out, or something like that, and who is now harassing some student involved in an affair with a married man?

Sukhumvit soi 33 still has some of the highest barfines around but the variety is the spice of life: A pub, several bars, several restaurants, street stalls, massage parlors, Japanese only bars and an S&M club.  Some of the bars on Soi 33 are doing fine and some are empty.  But you can always find some cuties in Lookie Lookie, Renoir, Office Bar and the rest.  One girl told me her sister does well working in a bar with few customers because there are also very few girls working there.  So when a customer comes in he usually buys drinks for all four or five girls.  So the girls do well but the owner doesn't.

There are also now more massage parlors on Sukhumvit soi 33 than you can shake a bar bin at.  From Puke Massage to Teen Love Massage.  It's nice to know people care so much about cleansing their bodies.  Some of the smaller bars on soi 33 get so few customers each evening I have no idea how they pay their staff and their rent.  Maybe they don't.  But there is always somebody out there with a burning desire to own a Bangkok bar.  No matter that he is buying into one that is losing money.  Maybe he just wants to sit and chat with the girls and he knows they have to pay attention because he is the boss.  Or maybe he needs a tax write off.  Well, God bless them for using their own money to keep bars open for the rest of us.  By the way, Dave the Rave just called to say that the Morning Night people are opening a club in the basement of the Ambassador Hotel called Spice Girls or something like that.  Thanks for the news, Dave, although I seldom make it to clubs these days.  I still haven't tried Glow and that is only a block from soi Cowboy.

I know you aren't going to believe this but I ran out of money on Soi Cowboy the other night and was too drunk to make it to an ATM machine and that was when I found out something incredible: The girls have invented a new way to take your credit card.  Leave it to Thai Entertainment Providers to develop new systems for getting money.  You use it by simply sliding your credit card between the, um, bulges on either side of the machine.  You will notice the black strip on the card needn't even be on the inside for it to work.  However you insert the card your money will be accepted.  I photographed a transaction to prove this new technique really exists.  Remember, you heard it here first.

As a school project, some Thai kid has invented something called a pulse detector which is intended to be set in the ground about 500 meters outside a security forces base.  When insurgents close in to launch an attack, presumably their heart rates would be going very fast and they would be nervous and excited so the device would detect their racing pulses and alert the base which would receive the information by satellite.  I was just wondering if this invention would have any practical application in Thailand's nightlife field.  It might prevent angry girlfriends from launching sneak attacks when you are sleeping, for example.  Or it might prevent the thugs your ex-wife hired to off you from succeeding.  Good little Thai kids coming up with useful inventions.  Keep on truckin', kids!

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Physician's Notice

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One more letter of mine that the Bangkok Post would not publish:

As was the case with Taksin, The Bangkok Post has become part of the problem.  They allow a platform for the anti-Western ramblings of a Muslim fanatic every other Sunday under a column misnamed "soul searching" and they are guilt-ridden, bleeding heart liberals when it comes to dealing with Muslims.  And they printed two letters who basically agreed with Sanitsudae.  Well, this is the newspaper that fired its editor for not being pro-Taksin enough so what can you expect?  If you want to know what is happening in Thailand, read the Nation. 

Meanwhile, a couple of top leaders of Thailand finally understood that the carrot wasn't working with Muslims in the south and said they would use the stick: "Defence Minister Boonrawd Somtas yesterday said counter-insurgency efforts in the South were failing because security forces were too defensive and vowed to switch to more hard-line tactics to keep militants at bay.  "The reconciliation signals we have been sending out were ill-received. We have made little progress because we stuck with defensive tactics," he said.  "We need to play it the hard way. From now on, we will seek access to the grassroots and strengthen local communities," said Gen Boonrawd.

Also, every time the police in southern Thailand bring in a Muslim guy for questioning, Muslim village women and children protest outside the station, so the police let the guy go.  However, recently, 50 female rangers moved the women and children instead.  Let's hope this is the beginning of the stick.  By the way, have you ever heard of Christians around the world screaming "Jesus Akbar!" and then beheading people?  Nope.  So when people try to pretend that "other religions have problems too," don't buy into it.  Other religions are religions.  Islam is a fanatical brotherhood based on the Koran in which over 50 per cent of the text is full of hatred and threats against unbelievers.  And just a few nights ago I was sitting at an open-air Nana Plaza bar and was told there had been a bomb warning.  So, believe me, problems with Muslims are very much a part of living in Thailand and will become more so.  The score so far:  In southern Thailand Muslims have killed 2,000 people and beheaded 25.

14 March: Muslims ambushed a bus in Yala province and deliberately murdered eight Buddhist passengers, including four women and two children.  They allowed the Muslim driver to escape, planted spikes on the road, and set up a bomb and ambush of the Thai military coming to help the passengers (those few who were still alive).  The murderers then disappeared among Muslim villagers in the area.  I wonder when the Thai government and the Bangkok Post will wake up to the clear and present danger of Militant Islam and stop babbling about negotiating with their misguided Muslim brethren in the South?

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One of the things I love about Thai women is their incredible acting ability.  Beautiful women like the one in this picture have the ability to pretend they don't even know I exist all the while down deep they are crazy about me.  Ah, dream on, khun Dean, dream on.  Meanwhile, have a look at the picture at left.  Nothing unusual there: bargirls, dwarfs, customers, crazies, sex-for-sale, etc., but why is there now a Miller's Genuine Draft beer stand out in the open?  And before parting click on the photo at right and let's give a hearty cheer for the real heroes of Nana Plaza: those who clean up the rubbish.  I was in Voodoo bar on a Friday night, not very early.  It was dead.  The friend I was with said that Voodoo was part of the Crown group which has the highest beer charges, the least attractive women and the most ladyboys interspersed among the dancers.  True, it was dead, almost no customers, four or five ladyboys dancing, not very attractive women, but the beer at 135 baht is in between 140 and 130 of other bars.  No question though that beer prices at Bangkok nightlife establishments are getting up there.  My friend mentioned that when he talked to a dancer he knows well at G-Spot the girl was frightened to tell him about their katoey dancers for fear of being fired.  Apparently, they have or had two.  Voodoo management, however, readily admitted to having five katoey dancers, four of whom were on stage.  I assume that doesn't include the not-so-old pooftah papasan who got up on stage and danced.  Right, just what we want to see: unattractive women, katoeys and a weird guy up on stage.  Could somebody whisper into the ear of the Crown group about how to run a go go bar and what customers want?  After Voodoo, I walked up to Angelwitch at about 10:45 and it was absolutely packed!  I was lucky to get the last seat at the bar.  Ended up at the Mercury Bar on the second floor but there was a musty smell to the place so I didn't stay long.  As for the above photo, you can see the Cascade bar sign in the background.  I'm so old I can remember when Cascade was a hetero bar.  I hear from those who should know that the four bars for those of that persuasion - Casanova, Temptations, Obsession and Cascade - are raking in the dough.  Not only do we have to worry about developers tearing down our nightlife areas for another shopping mall; and worry about police regulations closing them down early and making them boring; we also have to worry that they will gradually become homosexual nightlife areas.  Then where will we go? 

Finally, don't forget about Soi Thonglo for a change of pace.  Especially if you are Japanese and like Japanese-only clubs.  But J Avenue, the Villa Market area on Thonglo soi 15, is a fun place to be with impromptu bands, pretty Thai women, outdoor eating, etc.

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Mail Bag

Another enjoyable column.  No guess on the pic this week, however, wanted to correct one thing and ask about another.  To correct your thing about the young man killed in the south that you mentioned, there was a tad more to it as I recall reading. First they killed him (shot), then they chopped him, then they burned him, then they killed his dog!!!  Where the quote about muhhamed from?  Jeff
 

Jeff, the quote about Muhammad most likely came from www.thereligionofpeace.com, a really good site.  But every Muslim knows the personal history of Muhammed and his child bride and many wives and his sexual proclivities and gluttony and bloody attacks on caravans, etc., etc.  They just try to put a holy spin on it.

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A brainless salmon?  Dana, that's the nicest thing anybody ever called me since my basic training days at Ft. Dix.  Are you in fact an ex-basic training sgt?

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YOU KNOW IT'S SICK MUTHERS LIKE YOU THAT GIVE THE NET A POOR REPUTATION. HOW ANYONE CAN EXPLOIT THE POOR ISSARN GIRLS OF SE ASIA IN SUCH A HUMILIATING WAY, IS BEYOND BELIEF. TO THINK THAT PEOPLE OF YOUR BREED ARE STILL ROAMING THE EARTH, IS APALLING. THE WAY YOUR MIND WORKS, REMINDS ME OF WHEN I USED TO CATCH WORMS TO GO FISHING. HOW ANYONE CAN TRY TO MAKE MONEY BY WRITING PONOGRAPHIC LITERATURE ABOUT AN IMPOVERISHED COUNTRY, IS SICK, HOWEVER, IF YOU WILL SEND ME YOUR LATEST BOOK, FREE OF CHARGE, PROVIDED SHIPPING AND HANDLING IS INCLUDED, I PROMISE I WILL STILL BE A LOYAL FAN, AND MAYBE EVEN GLANCE THROUGH THE DARN THING, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, SOME DEPRAVED IDIOTS PROBABLY ENJOY THAT KIND OF PERVERSION,, MYSELF, INCLUDED

DIDN'T REALLY EXPECT A RESPONSE, BUT I DO ENJOY YOUR RANTS. I BET YOU HAVE A HARD TIME ASSOCIATING WITH PEOPLE THE SAME AS I DO. THATS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE A SUPERIOR IQ, PROBABLY RIGHT, DON'T USE MY NAME. SORRY ABOUT USING THE CRAYONS, BUT THEY DON'T LET US USE ANYTHING SHARP IN HERE. HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY SHUT THE LIGHTS OFF.

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Please note I will be traveling so there will be no column on the 1st of April.  See you again on the 15th.  Happy Songgran!

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Links You Might Enjoy

A video of a five-minute walk down Soi Cowboy.  Click here and then click "preview videos."

http://www.pbar.info/videos.html

Like satire on Thailand?  Try

http://www.farangaffairs.com.

Like to know what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try http://www.bangkokgigguide.com.

Like to know more in depth about what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try this great site:

http://www.bangkokjungle.com.

Tired of shoveling snow?  Check out Bangkok's sunshine.

Bangkok's weather report.

A great site for listening to Thai Morlan music and other folk music of Southeast Asia.

www.monsoon-country.org

A bit of black leather never hurts.  But she does.

Our Lady in Black

Like to learn a bit about retiring in Asia?

http://www.retiredexpat.com

Maps of all the provinces of Thailand

http://www.thailand-guide.org/maps/index.htm

T-Shirt Hell: for lovers of very black humor only. 

http://www.tshirthell.com.

Politically incorrect rants and raves from Uncle Fred.

http://www.fredoneverything.net

Girlfriends looking for Taliban boyfriends.

Taliban Singles Dating Page

Do you have a product or service you would like to advertise on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure, however, to mark the outside envelope:

“Birthday money for Dean Barrett –

Absolutely No Bribe Enclosed”

Got feedback to this column?  Got information on Thailand you would like to share?  Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise?  Been ripped off?  Just write me.

Last column's picture was  the interior of the Van Gogh bar on soi 33.  There were several correct entries.  It is nice to see that readers of this column are so culturally inclined that they recognized the Van Gogh painting right away.  So enter and win 3,000 baht in food and drink vouchers, second prize is one of my books, third prize the usual diddly-squat.  For those of you hung over, look to your right to find the picture for this column.  Here are the three questions for the 3,000 baht prize in vouchers:  This lovely girl is most likely selling what?  A beer, B books, C lottery tickets, D pizza.   What is that on her dress?  A A picture of Trink, B A picture of Stickman, C a giraffe, D a tiger.  Where was the picture taken?  Would you cheat on your wife to be with her?  (Never mind that last question; the answer is obvious.)  And by the way she is much more attractive than this photograph from my tiny camera shows. 

That's all for this fortnightly column.  Drop by again.  Explore the rest of the website.  Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, I love you long time; you number one!"  And, remember: nothing says goodbye like a bullet.  And the more people I meet the more bullets I need.

Dean Barrett can be flamed at: deanbarr@loxinfo.co.th

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Click here to see in a three second video how wonderfully Islam treats women who seek freedom: Women in Islam

This is a very short but very well written article by Daniel Pipes on the three choices for Europe: Muslims Rule, Muslims Rejected, Muslims Integrated: Islam and Europe