THAILAND NIGHTLIFE REVIEW
Welcome to my website. Unlike the universe, this website has a purpose: to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere. And to have some fun.
Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)
There is a contest every two weeks when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive vouchers worth at least 3,500 baht in food and drink, i.e., 500 baht each, from Larry's Dive, Shadow Bar, The Old Dutch, the Big Mango, Electric Blue, The Duke of Wellington pub, and Bourbon Street Restaurant. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting. It will double to 7,000 and, if still no winner, to 10,500, etc. Second prize is a "I Support Single Moms" T-shirt. And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).
CAN YOU DO BETTER?
Two answers to a quiz. Um, not exactly right but not exactly wrong either.
SEX IN MACAU
I think the first time I went to Macau was in 1971. Since that time, I went there with a Chinese woman for sexy afternoons, a woman who later became my ex-wife. I went there with a Thai chick from Mike's place in Patpong. I went there with a Korean girlfriend. I went there with my mother and stepfather. But I hadn't been back for many years and I knew the place was changing. So I went back there about four weeks ago and managed to get a bad case of bronchitis from which I am slowly recovering. I flew Macau Air on which the food was horrible and they do not serve liquor, at least not in the cattle car. Worse yet, there is no bar of any kind in the Macau Airport. Aiiyaaahh!
When I was there in the old days Macau was a sleepy place, still nominally under control of the Portuguese, but even then, it was Beijing which had the power. It was a charming place, though, Portuguese architecture and a few casinos and mysterious China right there facing us across the Pearl River. One bridge to Macau's outer islands, Coloane and Taipa. Things have changed! Now there are three bridges and 31 casinos and counting, and a tower like the Seattle tower, from which crazy people bungy jump. Huge hotels such as the Venetian on Coloane which is larger than the one in Las Vegas. Yeah, but what about the sex? OK, I'm coming to that, hang on a minute.
Hong Kong also wanted casinos but Beijing said no as Hong Kong does well without them. Remember, Hong Kong went back to China in 1997 and Macau in 1999. Macau was given the "honor" of going back last as it had been first; the place was a Portuguese colony for over 400 years. The hydrofoils and jetfoils still make their 55-minute runs between Hong Kong and Macau. I wondered if Chinese were still sneaking across the Pearl River into Macau from nearby villages in China; risking all to do so. But a friend pointed out that now that visas are so cheap, even poor people can go, so why sneak over?
Anyway, I make no claims to knowing all that happens in Macau at night. I did find out a few things, though. In general, I find casinos boring and to be honest the slot machines they had in Macau had so many buttons on them it looked like the cockpit of a 747. In Vegas, you just pull the lever or now usually you just push the button. But these things look complicated. At one point I did push the "service" button but no one came so I left. I think the people watching the place on cameras had me pegged for a poor gueilo (foreign devil) and decided it would be a waste of time to teach me how to play the slot machines so they didn't send anybody. So it goes...
I stayed at the Golden Dragon Hotel and on one of the floors is a nightclub, on another was table dancing, and at the top was the most interesting "spa" I have ever seen. You go in and get undressed in an area similar to that at Bumrungrad Hospital before you take your X-ray. Then you walk in farther and there are showers and a small pool. A very sexy Chinese woman was stripping while one Chinese guy was in the pool, not sure if he was naked or not. My attention was immediately drawn to another part of the large room because girls started filing out from somewhere within. More came. And more. And yet more. There were at least 100 women who formed a kind of circle around the room while guys wearing towels or bathrobes supplied by the establishment ogled them. Most of the girls were beautiful; a few weren't. All were Chinese except for three white chicks. One of those was good looking, the other two so so. It was one of the weirdest and most incredible nightlife scenes I have seen. There were a lot of Chinese guys working there and the papa-san had a book in which he would write down the price of the girl for an hour or so (you would go into one of the small rooms where she would give you a shower and then muck about with you).
The downside is that the price of a woman for that hour or so is about triple what you would pay in Bangkok or say four times the rate. The interesting thing is that once you have changed clothes, before going to ogle the girls, one of the young guys working there will ask you to sign a paper so that you understand even if you do not take a girl there is a minimum charge. I think it was US$35 or something like that. So my advice is to go there and pay the minimum because it is an incredible scene. But unless you are really horny (or rich) you had better go elsewhere for satisfaction.
There is yet another scene which is quite incredible. It is at the old Lisboa Hotel, a gaudy place if ever there was one, NOT the Grand Lisboa next door, an even gaudier place. If ever an architect should be banned, this is the guy. Anyway, upstairs on the floor above the lobby of the old Lisboa, a few dozen mainland Chinese chicks walk about among the shopping areas. This action is not in any special room, but right there by the fruit stand and other shops where tourists are shopping. It is obvious why they are walking about and many were very beautiful. It might make sense to stay at the old Lisboa because then you could just bargain with them and take one to your room. But, believe me, these chicks are a sight to behold, and although most wore sexy clothes, a few wore traditional cheongsams, a la Suzie Wong in The World of Suzie Wong. I doubt they are cheap either.
There is an area of restaurants by the harbor near the statue of Kuan Yin, Goddess of Mercy. These are legitimate restaurants patronized by locals and are not for sex. However, the Filipina waitress began talking to me about how she gives massages in the daytime and asked if I would like that. I declined as I was leaving the next day and I am such a good Buddhist, of course, which goes without saying. Her hard luck story was similar to Thai hard luck stories but there was no mention of a water buffalo being struck by lightning.
Finally, I wish I had thought to ask papa-san about the yin and yang. This is a Chinese concept in which opposites sooner or later become the other opposite. Opposites such as female (yin) and male (yang), etc. Well, I heard years ago from a reliable source about an interesting use of yin and yang in Macau. It seems a young woman, how shall I say, goes down on you. And at one point she has hot tea in her mouth, and a few moments later, ice or ice cubes in her mouth and continues switching from tea to ice and back again until you um finish up. I am told it is an incredible BJ. But for now I don't know if this story is from someone's feverish imagination or if such a scene exists.
I have a lot of pictures of Macau but am having some trouble saving pictures on my new computer as I don't have a regular picture saving program like Photoshop which I had on the old computer. So far I have downloaded Picasa. Pictures look fine but when I return to this page after having shut it down the small boxes with an X are sometimes there instead of the pix. But I'll get it straightened out sooner or later.
You should memorize the large Chinese character you see here. You do NOT want to have to get involved in one of those establishments because it is the Chinese character indicating a pawn shop. And in Macau with 31 casinos, and lots and lots of losers who need money to get home, pawn shops are thriving!
Big Mango Bash- Sukhumvit soi 4
The party details for the Big Mango Bash follow. Can you guess
which line was added by me?
Big Mango's Star Trek Party
"Boldly Goes Where No Bar Party Has Gone Before"
- Saturday May 16th, 8:00 pm-Late
- Romulan Ale (aka Tiger/Heineken Pint) 20 baht each until 2 Kegs run out
- Girls in Star Trek Unis
- Free Snacks
- Occasional Rounds of Free Space Mango Shots
- Free Sex with Beautiful Women
You have no doubt read about the fisticuffs on Patpong when government inspectors tried to shut down those selling pirated goods. I don't think people should be allowed to sell pirated shirts and handbags and sunglasses and shit like that. It is against the law and it is immoral. (As long as they don't crack down on computer equipment or movie disks - aw shucks, ah is a hypocrite.)
Blu Ray Copies of the Much-acclaimed Ghost Film "P"
WE HAVE A WINNER!
Can you believe a literate and literary person reads this column? Amazing! Yes, in The Power and the Glory it was the Red Shirts fascist army chasing the priest in Mexico and of course we have the red shirt group in Thailand. One Winner and one prize. You see how it all works out?
Yes, thanks to the generosity of the director Paul Spurrier, one lucky reader of this site is going to win a free copy of a high-definition version of the film with superb picture quality. You can see information of the film at http://www.films.in.th
OK, what is the downside? Well, precisely because this is very high quality Blu Ray, far superior to DVD, it will not play on a DVD. It will only play in a Blu Ray player; but they can be bought in any Power Mall in Bangkok or Pattaya. And since Blu Ray is the coming thing, you might as well get off your ass and buy a Blu Ray player. This film disk will not be available in shops. This is a limited collector's edition and has been signed by the Director and reportedly kissed by the succulent leading actress. If you don't win you can go to the site and buy it there. I have a tiny role in the film wherein the beautiful leading actress - in her ghost state - eats my heart and liver. And although I haven't signed the disks, should you ask I will kiss it for you also. Maybe.
OK, what did you have to do to win? You just had to answer one simple question. In what is regarded as Graham Greene's best novel, The Power and the Glory, although the story has nothing to do with Thailand, there is a color connection between Mexico and Thailand. It involves the plight of the priest. What is the connection? Well done.
I can't help but think Japanese are sometimes a bit strange. I mean, if you are looking for a woman for let us say a casual stay would you really care about her blood type? I guess Japanese men do. Maybe the rarer the blood type the more they pay?
Don't Get Them Mad!
Pattaya - A Belgian tourist was severely injured early Thursday when his Thai
bit his male organ and almost severed it, police said. The tourist, Eddy
Iam De Velde, 56, was rushed to the Pattaya Memorial Hospital and doctors
managed to save the man's organ. The hospital reported the event to police
at 5:30 am. The man told police from his hospital bed that his girlfriend, who
he has been living with for about a month, injured him. She said the woman
became angry after learning that he had another Thai lover.The two quarreled
while having sex so she bit him and he called friends to send him to the
hospital. Police will arrest the woman whom has yet to be identified.
As it is a pretty safe bet that most readers of this column have yet to buy my book The Go Go Dancer who Stole My Viagra & other Poetical Tragedies of Thailand I have decided to post one of the poems from the book from time to time. Some of the poems are serious and some are for fun.
She has a small tag pinned to her waist-length, snow white coat that says
so I guess she is one.
I think how nice her shoulder-length, coal-black hair is and how wonderfully it contrasts with her waist-length, snow white coat.
I try to make eye contact
but she is too busy to look at me
while ringing up my
Nivea deodorant anti-perspirant for men
24 hour protection
with a masculine fresh scent
And my Gillette series Splash Cool Wave after shave
made in Spain.
And my silky smooth natural rubber latex condoms
Electronically textured for mutual pleasure
To ensure a safe ride
They’re loaded with spermicide.
A perfect blend
with reservoir end.
And I think how wonderful her shoulder-length, coal-black hair would look fanned out against
my snow white pillow case
and her curvaceous naked brown body
and that beautiful Siamese face
because she too can benefit from my silky smooth natural rubber latex condoms.
That perfect blend
with reservoir end.
But she is concentrating
Taking my money
Handing me my change.
It might be that
she’s proper and demure
but I was quite sure
I saw her blush when she rang up my condoms.
With reservoir end.
It’s all right
I’ll have her in my mind
which is why God gave minds to men like me, anyway.
So it’s OK
if I cannot take her to bed
but I wonder if she knows that doctors say
a blush is simply an erection of the entire head.
Tripping in Thailand, a Game that Begins with an Innocent
Family Vacation in the Kingdom of Make-Believe
Submitted by A Friend
Messing up a man’s mind 1
Divorcing old wife 2
Marrying Thai bar girl 3
Recruiting old wife to be mamasan 4
Recruiting daughter to be sex worker 5
Contracting VD -1
Losing remaining worldly possessions to Thai wife -2
Divorcing Thai wife -3
Remarrying old wife -4
Becoming Buddhist monk and renouncing desire -5
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Khun Nana's Corner
Khun Nana is a savvy local expat who keeps in shape by hitting most of the bars of Nana Plaza as often as possible. From his vast experience, he will enlighten and entertain us with his recollections of the bar scene be they humorous, tragic or somewhere in between.
One of the things I really enjoy about living in Paradise is the lack of the political correctness that is so pervasive in the west. It really is refreshing to be able to make an observation about others without having to become the victim of the PC brigade. I can remember being on the sky train with an old flame when 4 or 5 people from a particular Middle Eastern country came aboard. Nearly every person on the train, regardless of what nationality they happened to be, all in unison moved as far away as possible from the new group of passengers. These people smelled so bad that my date actually vomited in her hand. I can recall the German guy next to me saying “man do these people smell terrible.” I nodded my head in agreement and also felt such freedom to be able to express opinions like that without any recrimination. The point being that I have nothing against this group of people, I don’t have a problem with their race, religion or choice of lifestyle, they just smelled really bad. I would hope that if I ever left the house smelling that way someone would have the grace and honesty to tell me.
I was drinking in one of my favorite haunts the other night, and as usual the music was a bit too loud, and I had been indulging in the libations just a bit too much, when the stranger next to me barked out that I must be American as I was speaking very loudly. I wasn’t really offended but merely curious, so I asked my English and Canadian mates at the bar if they had ever noticed that Americans talked louder than most other groups of people and every one of them agreed with that observation. Well then, I guess we are a loud bunch! I really don’t know why that is the case, I can only venture to guess that since it is so quiet everywhere in my country and so loud everywhere in Thailand that we just aren’t very good at adjusting our voice levels to the current situation.
More and more lately I have noticed my friends and acquaintances choosing the worst kind of women imaginable to be their lovers. I wrote an earlier column about how nobody here wants to be James Bond. Guys can have a million beautiful girlfriends and live the life of an international playboy, but the vast majority choose to settle down with one woman, and it seems to me that in most cases the women they choose are the least attractive, least educated and in many cases the extreme bottom of the barrel in every way. I have tried in vain to figure out why this happens to be the case. Are guys just lazy, therefore choosing the women who are the easiest to access, thus always getting the worst of the lot? Do guys have such low self esteem that deep inside they think that this is all they can get or even deserve? Are they so lacking in social skills and confidence that it’s just not possible for them to approach a lady who actually has something to offer? Worse yet, do they actually enjoy the abuse?
I became so frustrated at one of my friend’s consistently poor choices in women that I had to sit down with him and teach him step by step how to meet nice gals here. Subsequently he met a plethora of hot, lovely and personable women, but ended up choosing another pathetic loser to be his live-in girlfriend. The last time I saw him he had a black eye from another fight with her, and was living in a hotel despite the fact that he owns a condo here! I have come to the conclusion that giving advice to my friends only makes me feel better, therefore relieving me of the guilty feeling I would naturally have as I watch them jump off another cliff into the abyss below.
Regardless of how much knowledge people have, they are going to do whatever it is that they were going to do anyway. The best sales trainer I ever had the privilege of studying with once told me “knowledge isn’t power. Action is power. Knowledge alone is worth nothing if you don’t use it.” I now know that I can help my friends with their options, but not with their priorities.
It is so wonderful to live in Thailand, where women are proud to be women and absolutely adore men. Here women go on a diet if they are 3 pounds overweight. If someone happens to compliment them on their beauty, they light up like a Christmas tree and it absolutely makes their entire day. Last week I was eating in a small Thai restaurant and admiring the 2 super hot waitresses while pretending to study the menu. One of the gals brought my drink order and it was served in a really cute glass. I said something like “wow that’s really cute.” This little hottie looked down at me, gave me her best bedroom smile and asked “are you talking about the glass or me?” Giving her my most sexy smile I quipped “the glass is cute. You on the other hand, are absolutely beautiful.” Now in my home country of America I would certainly get a very nasty look for having given this compliment, and might even be asked to leave the premises by the manager. However this is Paradise. She shrieked with glee, turned to the other waitress and they gave each other a high five!
Until next time. Khun Nana
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How safe is your food and drink?
If you have a maid you had better pay attention. A domestic helper in Hong Kong mixed her menstrual blood in a pot of vegetables she was cooking. She did so because she wanted the employer to stop criticizing her. So, apparently, in hopes of better employer-employee relations she added menstrual blood to the food she was serving. But the employers spotted her acting suspiciously and found her menstrual pad in the kitchen waste basket.
Last year, in Saudi Arabia two Asian domestic helpers were sentenced to prison and to 250 lashes each for adding urine and menstrual blood to the tea of their employer. New Song Title: Menstrual Blood, tea, or me? And remember these are only the ones who have been caught. They said they thought it would make the family treat them better. You might wish to check from time to time on exactly what the woman cooking your tom yam gung is adding to the mix. (The menstrual pads shown above are advertised as "reusable." Right, but reusable for what?)