Welcome to my website.  Unlike the universe, this website has a purpose: to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere.  And to have some fun.

Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)

There is a contest every month when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive vouchers worth at least 4,000 baht in food and drink, i.e., 500 baht each, from Larry's Dive, Shadow Bar, The Old Dutch, the Big Mango, Electric Blue, The Duke of Wellington pub, Doll House and Bourbon Street Restaurant. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting.  It will double to 8,000 and, if still no winner, to 12,000, etc.  Second prize is a "I Support Single Moms" T-shirt.  Third prize is an After Dark calendar.  And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).

Black-eyed Susan.  Such a pretty face; the kind of face it makes me feel good just to look at.




“Experience keeps a dear school,” Ben Franklin said, “but fools will learn in no other.”



Lovely Lady saluting the troops at Silom Road intersection.

Photo by Geoff Alexander





The famous singer from Japan, Yukari, came to town to do a gig on Sukhumvit 55, Tonglor, and there was Al Eberhardt dancing up a storm.




Nong's Birthday Party at Mojos






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Did you ever start taking photographs of beautiful Thai ladies and all is going well and all of a sudden a (Canadian, of course) guy shows up in the middle of it all?




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Permanent Damage - Skytrain to Murder sequel cover

click on cover to enlarge


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Wild Turkey

A Barroom Ballad


The Go Go Dancer who Stole My Viagra


Wild Turkey




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Khun Nana's Corner

Khun Nana is a savvy local expat who keeps in shape by hitting most of the bars of Nana Plaza as often as possible.  From his vast experience, he will enlighten and entertain us with his recollections of the bar scene be they humorous, tragic or somewhere in between.


I just returned from my twice a year pilgrimage to the gates of hell (United States) and the jet lag lingers on and on.  It’s amazing that I lived my first 43 years in the USA and I still feel like an outsider when I return to visit.  Let me tell you that those poor clueless bastards (I am referring to the men) there are being led around by the nose by the domineering women.  Never in my life have I seen so many weak, desperate, pathetic men.  I really am surprised any of them can even get an erection they are so lacking in masculinity and self-esteem.   

My friend Jim whom I have known for 40 years was supposed to pick me up at the airport, but upon my arrival there was no one to greet me.  When I phoned him he was stuttering on the line and said something like “err my girlfriend doesn’t like it when I go places without her, and she isn’t here at the moment so I never left the house.”  What a pathetic wimp. He then went on to explain that if he ever does something to piss her off, he has to sleep on the couch for a week.  I told him to f*ck off in no uncertain terms and paid for the $70 taxi ride to my home.  Yes, both cars and fuel are cheaper in the USA than they are in Thailand, but a 15-mile taxi fare is $70 there and $7 in Bangkok.  Welcome home you schmuck is what I was thinking at the time.   

My first night in America I went to a small local bar with a friend who recently sold his software company to Microsoft and is so rich he doesn’t know what to do with all of his cash.  He started explaining to me that there was a really hot new bartender at this place and all the guys in his group had already been shot down in their attempts to get a date with her.  We proceed to grab a couple bar stools and when I look up an over-flowing glacier of a woman is oozing toward us from behind the bar.  Just as I was about to joke with my mate that this couldn’t possibly be the hottie that he was going on and on about but perhaps this monster has eaten her, his face lights up like a Christmas tree and he says “ Khun Nana let me introduce you to Debbie.  Debbie, this is Khun Nana.  He lives in Thailand, but when he is in town he will be hanging out here a lot.”  This beast looks at me with disdain and mumbles to my friend “Are you trying to introduce me to this person?  Listen it’s busy in here so what will you have?”  We give her our drink order and I turn to my friend and ask him why she was so rude to us, and his response was that he didn’t think she was being rude at all!  Yes dear readers, in my lovely hometown of Washington D.C. rich educated guys are chasing and being rejected by fat, rude water buffalos and the poor clueless bastards don’t even know that there is another world out there, a world filled with millions of beautiful, sexy, approachable women who are polite and cherish men.  Why do I ever leave Thailand? 

We local guys are often the recipients of the free entertainment that results from western men coming on holiday to Thailand and throwing all of their money at the local lasses.  Now it is not my intention to whine about all the free sex I get from gals who have idiots overseas sending them money, or to complain about all the laughs and chuckles I have watching these guys go down in flames.  However, some of these men are ruining their life by flushing needed money down the toilet so I would like to offer the following insights about giving lump sums of money to gals who you barely know: 

1) No matter how much money you give a gal she will never like you any more for it. Either she likes you or she doesn’t and no amount of money will change that. 

2) If you give her a reasonable sum of money and she asks for more, I guarantee that she doesn’t like or respect you at all.  Thai gals are very aware of the fact that repeated requests for money will be viewed as mercenary and selfish and they will not do it if they want a future with the guy.  If she repeatedly ask for money than she views you only as a customer. 

3) You don’t need to “save” her. Believe it or not, most Thais are much happier than westerners and they have a good life here.  If she is working in the naughty nightlife industry then she is already making 3 to 10 times more than all of her non-working peers at home and she doesn’t need your charity.  Don’t think you are doing her a favor trying to move her to the west as 99.9% of Thais would much rather live in Thailand than any other country, and she will consider it a SACRIFICE moving to your country. 

4) If you absolutely insist on giving money to some gal in spite of all of the evidence that it is a huge mistake, then do it the way a Thai guy would.  Bring her into your trust slowly.  Give her absolutely no money the first few months and then start to help her a little at a time as you see that she has genuine feelings for you.  If you throw money at her from day 1 then you will NEVER know if she actually cares for you or not. Also Thai women want a strong man for a partner and if you are stupid about throwing money around then she will view you as weak and good for nothing other than money.   

One thing I love about Thais is that unlike westerners, Thais can be very happy while earning little or no money.  I am reminded of a day I was having a beer in a small cocktail lounge in Bangkok a few years before I took the plunge and moved here permanently.  There were 5 gals working and 4 were quite young and one was clearly the oldest.  One of the gals asked me why I would give up a high paying job in the USA in order to move to a poor country like Thailand.  I was still pondering my reply when the oldest gal said “I know why.  Because in America everybody rich and nobody happy, but in Thailand nobody rich and almost everybody happy.”  Yes, that most certainly is the reason and I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Until next time.  Khun Nana

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5 Days, 4 Nights


















































Time passes.  I thought it had been a few years since I had been back to Vientiane.  In fact it was over five.  So it was time.  I had to make a visa run anyway and it was nice to escape the red shirt thugs of Bangkok even though going to Laos is definitely not the way to escape the water throwing.  Laos New Year begins on the 14th of April and ends on the 16th; the whole thing one day later than in Thailand.


The flying time on THAI was only 55 minutes so I figured why not?  I first saw the city over 30 years before and then again over five years before so it was indeed time.  Besides, I could get a visa on arrival so I didn't have to go out in the Bangkok heat and the closed Skytrain to go to an embassy.  Strange when you think about it: Anyone who fought with the Americans in Laos such as the Hmong get real problems but Americans pay US$35 for a visa on arrival (even less than Canadians) and no problems at all.


The sign at Wattay Airport said "Beer of the Wholehearted People" and to be sure Lao beer is great.  I stayed at a small hotel the Beau Rivage Mekong which was a bit far from the town center but the room was excellent especially for about US$36 a night.  It was of course the dry season and the river was more sand than water.  So if you are looking for a wonderful setting of mountains beside rivers go up to Luang Prabang, there are direct flights from Bangkok.  Sitting beside a huge sandbar watching a sun go down isn't quite the same. 


The heat was horrible but that is the way April is in Southeast Asia.  There is not a lot to see in Vientiane outside of the temples so you can refer to the place as laid-back or boring, take your pick.  There is some building going on but after five years I had no trouble recognizing all that had been last time.  There is a new shopping mall which makes the crowded, narrow lanes of MBK look spacious and well-designed by comparison. 


I am happy to say the used bookstore that existed near Wat Dam is still there and Sam is still running it.  That's good because Monument Books doesn't really have that much.  As was the case in Luang Prabang books critical of Laos were allowed (at least those in English).  The Lao Plaza Hotel and the Setthi Palace are the two major hotels in town with the Setthi Palace being the one with class.  Over five years ago, I got into the habit of sitting at the small bar and teaching the barman how to make a black russian.  This time there were guys and gals, but I still had to teach the guy how to do it when the girl wasn't there.  The old purpose-built London taxi was still out front (see the picture above) and the incredibly noisy birds were still up in the tower next door.  The bartendress soon taught me how to say rorn makh in Laotian Hon lai) (very hot) and a few sexier lines as well.  Five years ago it was a Singapore general manager, now an Indonesian.


The city's tuk tuks are a kind of combination tuk tuk and small song taew and are not cheap in my opinion.  The kip is 8,500 to US$1.  So the usual rides are 20,000 kip and riding around for a half hour is 40,000 kip.  They claim that is because fuel is so expensive which could be the case as I know it was in Cambodia as well.  There are a few places to get out of the heat and into air-conditioning such as the True Coffee and Joma, the cafe with fine food which has a branch in Luang Prabang as well.  The nearby namphu (water fountain) is still there with the Scandinavian bakery and not much has changed in the area.  A short block in the direction takes you to the river with more restaurants and the Lang Xang Hotel, built in the 60's, looks like it was, but at least still going.  I suppose if I had to name a town center, the water fountain would be it and (assuming the heat doesn't get you) it is not more than a few blocks to anywhere you might want to go. 


Needless to say, some of the dressed-up girls for the New Year passed by in groups and said "I love you" but due to the obvious lack of passion in their voices and the subsequent giggles I think it was safe to assume they were simply practicing their English.  My own observation is that Laotian ladies are very nice but not really as attractive as Thai ladies.  I was asked only once (by a tuk tuk driver) if I wanted a woman.  In this heat!!?  I had been asked twice in Luang Prabang but needless to say sex is not why one would travel to Laos.  Besides, as I live in a candy store for men I can go without sex for a few days.  No, I mean really.


But if the tuk tuks are not cheap, the e-mail certainly is, at 100 kips per minute, it never cost me more than a few thousand kip.  The museum is OK, too much politics and war, but I suspect they simply don't have much.  After all, Laos was destroyed again and again by neighbors who they probably destroyed as well, as good neighbors tend to do around the world.  And, hey, they do drive on the right, which, after Thailand, is refreshing.  The manager of my hotel said he had a lot of experts staying with him and they do not blame Chinese dams for the condition of the river even though it is said to be the worst drought since 1918. 


As for food, you can get pretty much what you want from French to "fried crickets with crispy lime leaves."  And of course during the New Year I got splashed, like it or not.  When in Rome...  So that is just a quick snapshot of the trip.  Laidback, quiet, a bit boring, got reading done, managed not to get a heatstroke.  Tried to talk the female bartender to come with me to Bangkok but she may have sensed that after several black russians I get a bit romantic/horny/nutty.  Anyway, now the best hotel in Vientiane knows how to make a decent black russian.



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Must be nice to be young!

Steven Seagal paged young actresses on his movies to come to his hotel room at night and demanded they undress in his trailer, a co-star has alleged. The action hero is denying the new allegations by the actress, who asked not to be named, that he hit on the women in his 1991 movie "Out for Justice," and made an obscene sexual suggestion to her in a late-night phone call. She told us, "Seagal's type was young, exotic-looking girls. He asked me and three other actresses to parade through his trailer, then asked me to stay.

"The wardrobe girl gave me a tacky corset and a tiny skirt and told me, 'He wants you to try this on,' [and] . . . led me into the bedroom. As soon as I undressed, he tried to come in. I didn't have a top on, so I pushed the door closed and screamed. When I came out, my boobs were hanging out. I was offered a contract.


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Bits and Pieces


After I undressed, a massage parlor girl recently said she would be back in five minutes.  I asked her where she was going and she said they only left her a small condom ("for Thai men") and she would get a bigger one.  I assured her I just happened to have one in my pants.  Hmmm.  I wonder if this is an act to make a farang customer feel good or was she on the level?


So the world is running out of tuna fish.  Tuna sandwiches have been my lifelong mainstay.  To whom do I turn myself in?


I met a girl at the Office Bar who told me about the time her boyfriend took her to Demonia.  It seems he got right into the spirit of things and stripped and got strapped up and whipped while she covered her face with her hands, shocked by the proceedings.  Taking the right kind of girl to an S&M club could be fun but he shouldn't have shocked the poor dear.  Anyway, I left word with her that she would look great in leather and should she ever work in Demonia she should let me know.


One of the things I've never been into is real pain.  These guys with such a high threshold of pain that they can take real whippings would make great spies.  It would be hard to make them talk.  Me, I have a very low threshold for pain.  For example, if I were caught by an enemy and they put me in an interrogation room alone for awhile and then came in and said, "OK, here's how it's going down: You don't talk and your coffee will be lukewarm AND there will be no cream and sugar."  I'LL TALK!  Or: "OK, here's how it's going down: you don't talk and the only beer you get is Leo beer."  I'LL TALK!  WHADDAYA WANT TO KNOW?!! 


It is of course the hot season and it is really hot!  That may be why I am suddenly in great demand by go go dancers who have no air-conditioning in their apartment, only a fan.  So all of a sudden my bed (even with me in it) looks good!  Great, but why is it Thai women don't seem to understand that before you turn on the shower, it is best to place the shower curtain inside the tub and pull it closed.  You see, that way water doesn't get all over the fucking floor which it has been doing because they don't follow the basic rule.  Even I who am not mechanically inclined to say the least know what to do with a shower curtain.  Don't they teach these things in school?  Or at the go go bar?


Sent by a coyote dancer to a friend of mine on SMS: "You are handsome man, have a lot of money, and a kind person. Every girl need you."  But if they had to settle for only one of the three, I wonder which quality it would be?



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A Great Place for Ribs!


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Have you ever noticed how on Japanese escort sites the girl always states her blood type?  I asked a female Japanese friend of mine and she said yes that is an important consideration in Japan.  Click here to learn why:



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News while it is News


Mandarin has a good line-up at the moment.  Erotica too, but you need to get there early.  Carnival on 3rd floor has now changed back from a ladyboy bar, but when I visited they had replaced the ladyboys with... no-one. There were three waitresses dancing on the stage.  A very strange bar that, believe it or not, when I arrived back in Thailand ten years ago, was one of the top three!  Nana seems quiet. I get the impression that quite a few girls left for Songkran and the red-shirt problems and low-season have delayed their return.
I met a shy girl the other day. 
She told me she had worked as a Thai masseuse before, and had only worked in a go go bar one month.
I asked her if she ever had customers who asked for special services.
She said yes, quite a lot.
I asked her if she ever obliged them with a hand job.
She said no. She never did.
She just fucked them.

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Two pictures of Khun Cheer and the brilliant job Khun Fa did styling her hair.


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And in a Foot Massage


I was having a foot massage the other day.
I noticed the sign on the door said that opening hours were 9:00 - 20:02 
This aroused my curiosity.
Why two minutes past eight o' clock? Why not eight o' clock?
I wondered if perhaps they shut at 8pm, but allowed two minutes for the customers to leave.
I wondered if it was a superstitious thing. Maybe 8pm was somehow unlucky.
I had to ask.
Ah, the lady said. We used to stay open till ten o' clock, so the sign said 22:00. But we didn't get any customers, so we wanted to shut earlier, and rather than buy a new sign, we could peel off the '2' and the '0' and swap them over.

Ah, Bangkok.


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Henry on a Roll, watch out!!



There are cunts which laugh and cunts which talk: there are crazy, hysterical cunts shaped like ocarinas and there are planturous, seismographic cunts which register the rise and fall of sap; there are cannibalistic cunts which open wide like the jaws of the whale and swallow alive; there are also masochistic cunts which close up like the oyster and have hard shells and perhaps a pearl of two inside: there are dithyrambic cunts which dance at the very approach of the penis and go wet all over in ecstasy; there are the porcupine cunts which unleash their quills and wave little flags at Christmas time: there are telegraphic cunts which practise the Morse code and leave the mind full of dots and dashes; there are the political cunts which are saturated with ideology and which deny even the menopause; there are vegetative cunts which make no response unless you pull them up by the roots; there are religious cunts which smell like Seventh Day Adventists and are full of beads, worms, clamshells, sheep droppings and now and then dried breadcrumbs; there are the mammalian cunts which are lined with otter skin and hibernate during the long winter; there are cruising cunts fitted out like yachts, which are good for solitaries and epileptics; there are glacial cunts in which you can drop shooting stars without causing a flicker; there are miscellaneous cunts which defy category or description, which you stumble on once in a lifetime and which leave you seared and branded; there are cunts made of pure joy which have neither name nor antecedent and these are the best of all, but whither have they flown?

And then there is the one cunt which is all, and this we shall call the super-cunt….

- Tropic of Capricorn by Henry Miller



Alas, yes, the rumors are true: I am a legman.  And she has the lovely face to go with the lovely legs!


This from my friend Paul who speaks fluent Thai:

Almost had an altercation with a taxi driver the other day.  His radio was playing loud red-shirt propaganda.  Some of the rants are very disturbing.
They misrepresent the facts, and are often extremely inflammatory, calling for the people to fight to the death, to take up arms, etc.
I believe in free speech, but this is dangerous.  Taxi drivers drive all day listening to this stuff, and I'm sure by the end of one day, they are ready to rise up in revolution.
I was with friends, and I couldn't take the loud violent ranting any more, and so asked the taxi driver to switch it off.
He refused as he said he was a red-shirt.  So I asked him to stop the taxi to let us out, and since we'd only gone a couple of hundred yards refused to pay the fee.
He wasn't happy and cursed, following us along the curb for a bit.  My friend thought I was quite mad, feeling the taxi driver might attack us at any moment, and that my reckless actions had not only endangered my life, but his as well.  I assured him that we could find another taxi very easily, and that everything would be fine.
Another taxi did indeed stop, and I opened the door to see that the driver was wearing a red bandana, red shirt, red neckerchief, red trousers, and that the entire car was filled with redness.  I asked him if he might be able to transport us while we listened to some nice Isaan music. Never ever did I think I would be asking taxi drivers to switch on their Isaan music!  He was very happy to do so, and  we reached our destination.
It's worth noting that while taxi drivers still overwhelmingly support Thaskin and the red-shirts, an increasing amount are more concerned by the damage to the country, business, and their trade.  One should not mistake the red flags and cloths on a taxi as support. One taxi driver said he thinks the red-shirts should all go home, but he put a red flag on his taxi just so that he could move through town unhindered.
The film business has been particularly badly hit by all this.  The major cinemas of Paragon, Discovery, and Central World have all been affected. And elsewhere takings are well down. The long-awaited sequel - Bang Rajan 2 - came out and took only 20 Million Baht in its initial run.  Edge of the Empire, which I worked on, will now open on 28th April, postponed three times already.



Jesus endorsement


More and more girls seem to be worried about me.  I meet them in various places along soi 33, etc., and after a bit of conversation they find out that I live alone and they all ask but "Who is taking care of you?"  Well, as far as I know, me.  They seem very surprised that I live alone with no one taking care of me.  What I don't tell them is what I have learned in life: People who want to take care of me usually end up taking care of my savings as well.


Taxi drivers are worried about me also.  Conversations eventually get around to my wife and kids.  I tell them I have no wife and kids and am divorced.  They seem perplexed by my not having kids so of course I always said the truth, that my Chinese wife in Hong Kong never seemed particularly interested in having any.  Now, however, I have found that it is far easier and more acceptable if I just creat a white lie and say I have a wife and two kids and they are at the moment back up with her folks in Korat or Khon Kaen or wherever.  So then I appear normal and all is well.




Espionage in Beijing



Britain's security service, MI5, as well as various American security agencies, have been warning about the Chinese effort to blackmail foreign business people over sexual relationships and other improprieties.  The Chinese are employing "honey trap methods" and to "exploit vulnerabilities such as sexual relationships to pressurize individuals to cooperate with them.  Hotel rooms in major Chinese cities such as Beijing and Shanghai which have been frequented by foreigners are likely to be bugged.  Hotel rooms have been searched while the occupants are out of the room."


Well, I think I know a way to fool the Chinese.  I plan on going to Beijing again this year and I was thinking we could plant false documents.  I will prepare and bring false documents with me and then hire a girl from one of the escort services and while in the room will leave the documents out in plain site.  I will make sure they are clearly labeled in English and Chinese something like "Top Secret - Cryptographic - NOFORN" (No foreign nationals), etc.  The documents will outline various American strategies being implemented and once they obtain the documents it will seem to Beijing as if Beijing has obtained a great motherload of information but actually the documents will cleverly lead them to spend millions of dollars and countless man hours on the wrong track.  You see, no doubt the girl will report this and my room will be searched when I am out of it and the documents photographed. What's that you say?  I will probably fuck this espionage operation up?  Well, I can't do any worse than the CIA, can I?


I think you will agree this is a very patriotic thing to do.  The problem is I can never afford to stay in the top hotels in Beijing; the ones definitely bugged and searched.  Staying in a nondescript guesthouse would be of no use whatever.  And that's where you come it.  Because if you would buy my books, then I could have enough money to stay in a top Beijing hotel, hire the girl, plant the documents, and help the Western World in its fight for (as Superman used to say) truth, justice and the American way.


Or, alternatively, you could just send me money.  Just make the checks out to me and be sure to mark the outside envelope:




All photographs from Beijing Craig's List Erotic Services - Yum, yum, yum!

(There is a Thailand Craig's List Erotic Services, but don't bother: more than 50 per cent are ladyboy ads)


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Bangkok Post Watch




FCCT Dateline Magazine has the very good news that the British freelance investigative journalist Andrew Drummond has been acquitted by a Thai court of appeals.  They had been reviewing two liable cases brought against him by the Scottish manager of a gay entertainment business in Pattaya.  However, Andrew is still fighting a civil suit.  He has this to say about the "intrepid" Bangkok Post: "What made it worse is that I had to go it alone after the Bangkok Post apologized to Lumsden and capitulated in all the cases - two criminal ones and a civil one.  In the civil case, they told me just a week before I went to court.  That in fact meant I was not allowed to present any witnesses.  The Bangkok Post's behavior rather sticks in my throat, particularly as one of the people involved claims to be an authority on investigative journalism."


Don't worry, Andrew, the Bangkok Post's behavior rather sticks in everyone's throat. 



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Paris Hilton Beer Ad



"You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from."   Book: No Country for Old Men.



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Coming Soon: The Bangkok Barroom Ghost Story: Noy of the Horny Toad

to a Youtube video near you.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid!


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Titanium's on soi 22 has been there for years and it started out with the girls wearing Vietnamese outfits with no bras.  The Vietnamese outfits are still there but alas bras are now underneath.  The two pictures at the left shows the talented all-girl band (except for a male drummer).  The pool player is at Livingstone's.  The girl on the right might be at Livingstone's but by that time I was a bit drunk, so not sure where I was.


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"John knew that nothing he could say could check the eloquence of his assistant, now that he had embarked on the great Bangkok subject; the sexual exchange was not only the chief commerce of the city, but the whole raison d'etre of a man's life.  One sold sex or one bought it - immaterial which, but it was never given away."


Although some might say the above quote fits Bangkok perfectly, nonetheless the quote is from Graham Greene's Our Man in Havana.  I simply changed two words: "Bangkok" for Havana and "John" for Wormold.



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Letters from Readers



  Cool that Khun Cheer received a degree. Imagine that, she is totally HOT and smart! I think she is just waiting for me to win the lottery and take her away from you pervies there! (It's a recurring fantasy of mine) Thanks for info on clubs with ladies in leather. So, if I mention your name, does that mean they punish me twice as hard? LOL..
  I recently finished "Identity Theft" and it kinda of hit home. My 80 year old father in NJ has just shown the beginning symptoms of dementia. I'll be back in BKK in July or August, maybe I'll run into ya at Mojo's? I'll be the farang sitting there drooling over Khun Cheer (and others) while sitting with my ball and chain. She's at great girl, though likes to hang at and let me look, but not touch.  Look forward to the next book. Keep on having fun there for those of us who aren't there. Best wishes,
                                                              Chris C.



In this trip to Pattaya, I pulled a girl out of What’s Up who danced on the couchback.   She was little, under five feet and slim.  I take her back to the room and put on a Thai Music video.  I take a shower.  I come out of the room and she has changed the channel to what she really likes:  Ultimate fighting.  So I taught her an arm bar and choke.  Steven




Attn: Editor

Subject: Fon(s) 


Last month (April 2010) Dean posted more pictures of Fon.  More pictures?  Yes, more pictures--Dean has previously featured Fon who lives with her farang husband David in Huairat.  He goes to visit them and then we get to see more pics of Fon. 

So, what code have I cracked?  Just this--in picture after picture Fon can look amazingly different.  In some pictures she looks young and innocent, and in other pictures she looks mature and all knowing.  In some pictures she looks tall, and in other pictures she looks short.  In some pictures she looks like a domestic goddess you would expect to be stirring soup or folding laundry, and in other pics she looks like an upscale urban princess who has never washed a dirty dish.  In some pictures she looks like a woman who has never seen a camera, and in other pictures she toys with the camera like an international super model.  It seems there are many Fons.  Believe me when I tell you that this is true.  I have printed out every picture and taken them over to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge so that I can look at them with their enhanced electron microscope (EEM). 

How can this be?  How can one woman look so amazingly different, and yet the same, in so many pictures?  Research ensued.  Scientists were enrolled.  Money was raised. International committees engaged.  Satellite photos taken.  Geologists expert in plate tectonics questioned.  Results?  It seems that the Huairat area has an unknown geologic anomaly: to wit--a hidden Shangri-la valley two miles long and a thousand feet deep that no one knows about.  The sheer walled French Oceanic valley sides are rich in verdure that surrounds a flower bedecked meadow of rich loamic soil and green grass.  And what do satellite photos show on this meadow floor? 

Fons.  Hundreds of them.  Like wild horses with long black flowing manes, tight stomachs, and taut muscled legs; Fons of every beautiful kind are running, and trotting, and cantoring, and galloping, and gamboling, and leaning against meadow and pasture fences with the hooded and happy sexy eyes of the world's premier femme fatales.  How can this be?  Stay tuned, because I have cracked the code (warning: you better sit down). 

David, Fon's husband, is breeding Fons.  He is not replicating them, he is breeding them.  Hence all the wonderful varieties of Fons.  Using himself as the breeding stallion he is producing Fons of every kind, and size, and exciting dream.  Hence my puzzlement at first when I spotted pictures taken by Dean Barrett that looked so different from each other.  I have cracked the code.  David is breeding Fons the way a horse breeder produces beautiful horses.  Deep in an Earthly Eden protected from polluting influences he is . . . well, just try to imagine what is going on. 

No need to envy David.  His time on Earth is so far outside the norm of male existence that envy is irrelevant.  This man is a god on Earth, a colossus of testosterone and male luck beyond measure.  One Fon in my life I can barely imagine and calculate; but to look out the window and see hundreds of Fons is heart stopping in concept.  David, I am not worthy--I am not qualified to crawl in your shadow. 

How can you find this Thai Eden of gamboling Fons?  You can't, unless you can access military satelllites.  But isn't it great to know that such a place exists?  Hundreds of young fertile beautiful Fons stretching and striding and posing in the sun.  Some of them can even cook, and David never sleeps alone--like I said, you can't dream a dream this big. 

Fon, I love you.  Everyone of you.  I know I'll never ride you with my hands buried in your mane, and I know I'll never wake up in your valley; but knowing the Thai sun warms your skin makes me very happy.  Fon, I love you; every one of you.  And David?  What of him?  Don't get me started.  Why him instead of me?  God, life is so unfair.  I mean, just look at this guy in the pictures.  How did this happen?  How come he got the tap on the shoulder from life?  Why him?  Why not me? 

And another thing . . . ah, just forget it.  It's always another guy instead of me.  Oh well, at least I can still dream.  Dream of all the Fons rolling on their backs in a hidden sun dappled valley filled with laughter and the high pitched sounds of innocense and fated futures of acceptance and happiness and love.  Happy happy Fons.

 If I ever got an invitation to visit this valley I probably would not go.  I know my limits.  Hence the importance of Dean posting pics of Fon and Fons on his website.  Dean, we need more pictures of Fon.  And if David ever decides to start a company selling Fon T-shirts, and Fon coffee cups, and Fon hats, and Fon calenders, and Fon rugs, and Fon mudflaps for trucks, and  . . . well, just let me know; I'll be an investor.  I see the future and it is Fon running for the president of Thailand and Thailand being renamed Fonland.  Fonland.  A place on Earth with Fons everywhere.  Sweet Jesus on a cracker--wouldn't that be wonderful?  Dana in America




Letter to Bangkok Post & Nation (Nation published it; Post didn't - as usual)

Dear Sir, 

Refusing to negotiate despite the bloodshed they have caused, the red shirts' thug-leaders continue to attempt to claim the high moral ground.  They ordered their followers to destroy the skytrain so all stations had to close.  If tomorrow these same leaders decide that because most foreigners dislike Taksin therefore they should be beaten up, no doubt their myrmidons will carry out their orders.  Taksin reminds me very much of Hitler at the end of WWII when he demanded to know "Is Paris burning?"  No doubt there he is in Dubai or wherever getting a big chuckle out of the damage he can do to Bangkok. 

May I suggest that anyone dumb enough to believe the red shirted thugs really would like to bring democracy and justice to Thailand might wish to reread George Orwell's Animal Farm

Dean Barrett


****************  ****************


Links You Might Enjoy

A video of a five-minute walk down Soi Cowboy.  Click here and then click "preview videos."


Like to check out some bars in Thailand?  Try

Like to know what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try

Like to know more in depth about what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try this great site:


Tired of shoveling snow?  Check out Bangkok's sunshine.


Bangkok's weather report.




A great site for listening to Thai Morlan music and other folk music of Southeast Asia.




A bit of black leather never hurts.  But she does.


Our Lady in Black




Like to learn a bit about retiring in Asia?




Maps of all the provinces of Thailand




Listen to






Helping Kids in Thailand


Helping Thai Kids




A fine independent Pattaya Bookstore:



Links You Might Not Enjoy

Politically incorrect rants and raves from Uncle Fred.


Girlfriends looking for Taliban boyfriends.

Taliban Singles Dating Page


Very satirical writing and videos.


Do you have a product or service you would like to advertise on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure, however, to mark the outside envelope:

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Got feedback to this column?  Got information on Thailand you would like to share?  Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise?  Been ripped off?  Just write me.



Enter and win a prize! This contest's first prize is worth 4,000 baht in food and drink vouchers.  The first to give the correct answer wins the vouchers; second wins the sexy shirt; third wins the sexy calendar.

     First prize:        Vouchers for food and drink from bars, pubs and restaurants in Bangkok

     Second prize:       Nifty shirt with the "I Support Single Moms" slogan

     Third prize:        Sexy calendar with Pattaya go go dancers, from After Dark magazine

     Fourth prize:       Nada Diddly-Squat Special 4 U, U number ten!



Last column's winner: 




1) Washington Square
2) Cactus @ Cowboy
3) Horny Tiger bar ...


This column's contest:  Write the best caption for this rather strange picture:


That's all for this fortnightly column.  Drop by again.  Explore the rest of the website.  Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, I love you long time; you number one!" 

And, remember: nothing says goodbye like a bullet.  And the more people I meet the more bullets I need.



Dean Barrett can be flamed at:




"At least one thing seems certain: against people who are ready to die in the cause of destroying freedom, people who are not willing to speak up for freedom for fear of being called a racist or an Islamophobe don't stand much chance of victory."



More News on the "Religion of Peace"


The "Religion of Peace" continues to visit Southern Thailand


Just some of the recent atrocities committed by Muslims in Thailand



2010.04.22 (Narathiwat, Thailand) - A young man is gunned down by Muslim radicals at a nightclub.


2010.04.21 (Narathiwat, Thailand) - Islamists shoot a 20-year-old man to death in his home.


2010.04.21 (Pattani, Thailand) - A 56-year-old man is murdered by Muslim gunmen.


2010.04.21 Thailand Pattani - An Islamic insurgent throws a grenade into a group of policemen.


2010.04.15 Thailand Pattani - Muslim militants shoot three people, including a pork vendor.


2010.04.14 Thailand Narathiwat - Islamic radicals murder a village defense volunteer by slashing the back of his head and letting him bleed to death.


2010.04.04 Thailand Narathiwat - Muslim terrorists open fire inside a tea shop, killing at least three civilians.


2010.03.02 Thailand Pattani - Islamists open fire on a father and his three daughters, killing him and a 7-year-old.


2010.02.27 (Pattani, Thailand) - Islamic separatists pump a 70-year-old man full of bullets as he is walking home.


2010.02.22 Thailand Narathiwat - Two guards at a shop are shot to death in a Muslim drive-by.


And Many More Wounded



(Isn't it interesting how silent the Bangkok Post is about all this.  Yet they have lots of space to run stories and photos on pandas and a boring, predictable column written by a Muslim fanatic every other Sunday.)








Over 4,000 Thais including monks and teachers and children have been murdered by Muslims in Southern Thailand and

over 45 Thais have been beheaded including Buddhist monks.





"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." (Blaise Pascal, mathematician, 1670)




Click on a Face (or what was a face) to See How Islam "honors" Women


How Islam "honors" women

Stop Honorcide!



THE RELIGION OF PEACE (in the real world)


Immodest Ladies to Blame for Earthquakes: More Islamic Stupidity


New York: Muslims Threaten Creators of South Park


Yemen: Top Muslim Cleric Protests any Law to Outlaw Child Brides



Pentagon Kowtows to Muslims: Disinvites Billy Graham's Son for saying Islam is a Violent Religion



Canada: Muslim Woman Fears Acid Attack from Husband



Britain Continues to Whitewash Islam in its Schools



Egypt: Acid Attack on 15-Year-Old Christian Girl: Death for Apostasy



Happening Now in America:

Islamic foot-washing basins in airports; Shariah finance being introduced by American banks; college campuses designating Islamic prayer rooms for Muslims only; Islamic compounds practicing Shariah law springing up across America; public schools using tax dollars to indoctrinate American students into Islam; demands by Muslim parents that their children be provided private prayer rooms in their public schools; Muslim workers demanding special workplace accommodations no other religious person would ask for; and the list goes on.


"How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries! Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia in a dog...No stronger retrograde force exists in the world (than Islam)." Winston Churchill


Mohammad Playing with his Six-year-old Bride to Be

The so-called Prophet Muhammad Married a six-year-old named Aisha and had Sex with the girl by the time she was nine (if not before).  Mohammad ordered the death of two poets who mocked him as well as killed many others.  The Koran is full of hate for non-believers which it equates with "evil-doers."  Islam is not a religion: it is a fanatical brotherhood and hate-filled ideology.  The West continues to ignore the fact that Islam is a clear and present danger to anyone who believes in free speech, an independent judiciary, free press, etc., etc.  Self-censorship is now being practiced in Europe and America to appease Muslims.  The more Muslims a country lets in, the more problems it will have.


"All it takes for evil to triumph is for enough good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

Ibn Warraq:

The cartoons in the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten raise the most important question of our times: freedom of expression. Are we in the west going to cave into pressure from societies with a medieval mindset, or are we going to defend our most precious freedom -- freedom of expression, a freedom for which thousands of people sacrificed their lives? A democracy cannot survive long without freedom of expression, the freedom to argue, to dissent, even to insult and offend...Unless, we show some solidarity, unashamed, noisy, public solidarity with the Danish cartoonists, then the forces that are trying to impose on the Free West a totalitarian ideology will have won; the Islamization of Europe will have begun in earnest.


Muslim extremists brandishing banners calling British soldiers 'Butchers'

  • "The sword of Muhammad and the Quran are the most fatal enemies of civilization, liberty, and the truth which the world has yet known." - The eminent orientalist Sir William Muir (1819-1905)



    Iran 23

    "All religions take care to silence or to execute those who question them...It has, however, been some time since Judaism and Christianity resorted openly to torture and censorship. Not only did Islam begin by condemning all doubters to eternal fire, but it still claims the right to do so in almost all of its dominions, and still preaches that these same dominions can and must be extended by war." - Christopher Hitchens, God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything





    'If the Arabs put down their weapons today, there would be no more violence. If the Jews put down their weapons today, there would be no more Israel.' - Benjamin Netanyahu




    The Bodies of Two Dead Gays in Iran


    (killed by adherents of "the religion of peace")



    There is not one Muslim country in the world which gives equal rights to non-Muslims but when Muslims enter other countries they demand more than equal rights!  Write your congressman and tell him to stop kowtowing to Muslims.


    “Religion is an insult to human dignity.  With or without it, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things.  But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.”        --        by Nobel Laureate physicist Steven Weinberg. 



    "Mohammad poisoned the sources of human felicity at the fountain, by degrading the condition of the female sex...and he declared undistinguishing and exterminating war, as a part of his religion, against all the rest of mankind. The essence of his doctrine was violence and lust: to exalt the brutal over the spiritual part of human nature" - John Quincy Adams




    —The unbelievers are your inveterate enemy. (4:101)
    —Mohammed is God’s apostle. Those who follow him are ruthless to the unbelievers but merciful to one another. (48:29).
    —It is unlawful for a believer to kill another believer, accidents excepted. (4:92)
    —Believers, take neither the Jews nor the Christians for your friends. (5:51)
    —Make war on them until idolatry shall cease and God’s religion shall reign supreme. (8:40)
    —Fight against them until idolatry is no more and God’s religion reigns supreme. (2:193)
    —The true believers fight for the cause of God, but the infidels fight for the devil.  (4:76)
    —We will put terror into the hearts of the unbelievers. (3:151)
    —I shall cast terror into the hearts of the infidels. Strike off their heads, strike off the very tips of their fingers. (8:12)

    —Muhammad said to the Jews: “If you embrace Islam, you will be safe. You should know that the earth belongs to Allah and His Apostle, and I want to expel you from this land. “
    — Allah’s Apostle said, “You (i.e. Muslims) will fight with the Jews till some of them will hide behind stones. The stones will (betray them) saying, ‘O ‘Abdullah (i.e. slave of Allah)! There is a Jew hiding behind me; so kill him.‘ “
    —Mohammed said, “I have been ordered to fight with the people till they say, “None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, and whoever says, “ None has the right to be worshipped but Allah , his life and property will be saved by me.“ (otherwise it will not). Vol. 4:196
    —Mohammed said, “Whoever changes his Islamic religion, kill him.“ Vol. 9:57
    —Mohammed said, “ No Muslim should be killed for killing a Kafir” (infidel). Vol. 9:50
    —Muhammad said: “Fight in the name of Allah and in the way of Allah. Fight against those who disbelieve in Allah. Make a holy war, … “. (Sahih Muslim 4294)




    Some books that tell it like it is!


    Now on trial in Holland for "insulting Islam"



    The Islamization of Europe

    Muslims are rapidly destroying freedom in Europe and have even brought about self-censorship and real censorship in the United States.  But there is one city in Holland where a new reality can be seen with the naked eye, more than anywhere else. Here, entire neighborhoods look as if they have been lifted from the Middle East, here stand the largest mosques in Europe, here parts of sharia law are applied in the courts and theaters, here many of the women go around veiled, here the mayor is a Muslim, the son of an imam.  This city is Rotterdam, Holland's second largest city by population, and the largest port in Europe by cargo volume.  Europeans, especially politicians, will not lift a finger to fight against Islamofascism.  And future generations will pay the price. 

    The hate-filled Quran (Koran) consistently uses offending remarks whenever it mentions non-Muslims. It describes non-Muslims as animals (Q.7: 179, Q.25: 44, Q.47: 12). Then it describes the Jews as donkeys Q. 62:5 then as apes and pigs (Q.2: 65, Q. 5:60, Q. 7:166). To be described as an animal is a bad insult in Arabic culture, but pigs, apes and donkeys are particularly bad.  "Religion of Peace," my ass. 


    More people are killed by Islamists each year than in all 350 years of the Spanish Inquisition combined. (source)




    Please note, I do not and never would advocate violence against individual Muslims in any community.  For one thing, the guy you beat up with a baseball bat may turn out to have just escaped from some horrible Islamic regime.  Individual violence against Muslims or doing damage to mosques, etc., is just stupid and is also counterproductive as Muslim fanatics will show pictures of that all over the Muslim world to incite people against the West. 

    A good case can be made that Islam is a fanatical brotherhood masquerading as a religion, and, indeed, the adherents of Islam often act that way.   But, as individuals, a Muslim neighbor might possibly be more honest than a Christian neighbor.  It is only that the Muslim will have been brought up in a religion/brotherhood with a medieval mindset that is centuries behind the times and has a penchant for violence, especially against those who criticize the Koran and other aspects of Islam.   Winning the war against Muslim fanatics will take a long time and be hard-fought but it can and will be won.  But we must demand that more and more moderate Muslims join the fight against fanatical Muslims.   We must demand that our leaders absolutely reject any "compromise" on our right to free expression.  Compromising with the fanatics pulls the rug out from the Muslim moderates desperately trying to reform and secularize Islam.  And we must never bow to Muslim demands to curb our hard-won freedom of expression.   And freedom of expression always includes satire and even insulting satire including satire of glorified tribal myths called religion. 

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    "Barrett has a gift for taking us into cultures worlds apart from our own, displaying a reverence for their exotic and grotesque as well as their beauty and history....”

    - The Poisoned Pen Book Review


    “The religion of the future will be a cosmic religion.  It should transcend a personal god and avoid dogmas and theology.  Covering both the natural and the spiritual, it should be based on a religious sense arising from the experience of all things, natural and spiritual and a meaningful unity.  Buddhism answers this description.  If there is any religion that would cope with modern scientific needs, it would be Buddhism.” - Albert Einstein