Being the full and true Description of a voyage to the strange planet of Chaostika in the Outer Region of Llihelom, and with the beings who reside in a Kingdom known as Thailand, including a Full Account of the Customs, Habits, Beliefs and Quaint Behavior of the Inhabitants. In One Volume.


Final Chapter: Chapter the Twelth


The Author Describes His Harrowing Escape

from the Kingdom of Thailand


As the reader might imagine, once my beloved Noy informed me that she was pregnant with my child, despite my exhaustion, I found it somewhat difficult to sleep.  But she assured me it was mine as she had been completely faithful to me.  Needless to say, I had no reason to doubt her word but was greatly concerned as to her fate and to the fate of our child once I had left the wonderful Kingdom of Thailand behind me. 

 But not only was my beloved extremely pleased to see me she now insisted on going with me back to my home planet to be my wife and to cook Issarn food for me.  Although I tried everything to talk her out of it, she was adamant, and I soon realized she was sincere and also sincerely in love with me.  (Little did I know that once the males of my society had laid their eyes on my beloved Noy, unscrupulous types of Candidatan tourist agents would attempt to organize all-male flights for nefarious purposes from Candida to Bangkok.  But that is another story.)

As it was, it was good that she had insisted on joining me because my sister and brother made it clear that although they would assist me in preparing the space craft they had no intention of leaving the Kingdom of Thailand where they had found true happiness, my sister as a go go dancer and Entertainment Provider in a Bangkok bar, and my brother as a transvestite soon (thanks to GRS - Gender Reassignment Surgery) to be a transsexual (ladyboy).  And so it was necessary to give Noy a crash course in assisting me in piloting the ship, as a crew of at least two would be necessary to man the craft safely into orbit.

I explained to my gracious hosts that although they had been wonderfully kind to me I greatly desired to return to my own planet, which I now began to miss more than ever before.  The compassionate people of Thailand's northeast immediately set about to build a ship as sturdy and as able to withstand the elements as my original space craft had been.  They continued to work for almost a full moon on the ship which would return me to my beloved Candidata, during which time it was necessary for my siblings and myself to avoid being seen by anyone in authority or anyone from outside the northeast area of the Kingdom. 

During my stay with these people it soon became evident that they were not on the friendliest terms with those who ruled the Kingdom from the capital and in fact disputed and ridiculed almost everything the Cultural Interpreters assigned to me in the capital had told me during the time I had been living there.  As I do not wish to embarrass the good people of Thailand (in case a copy of this narrative should ever appear in their hands), I shall not dwell at length on these discussions and the many humorous parodies of government officials they presented for my entertainment.  I would just state that those persons in the Kingdom wearing yellow shirts seemed to hate those wearing red shirts and vice versa, and demonstrations and protests involving their complex issues and demands led to some delay in the preparations for my departure. 

At last, under the pretense of one of their local festivals, they assembled the ship and carefully brought out the propellant which would carry me throughout my long journey.  The country people referred to it as Promise Rescinder Gas (P.R. Gas) and explained that they had collected it whenever officials or politicians or political candidates from the capital of Bangkok had made promises to them.  They kept the gas bottled up inside special containers and used it only when their usual fuel became too expensive.  I cannot express in words how grateful I am to the people of Issarn for assisting us in our hurried departure and even using up much of their valuable P.R. Gas for our spaceship.  They modestly accepted our gratitude and assured us that as long as politicians from the capital continued to visit their villages they would always have an adequate supply of Promise Rescinder Gas on hand.

And so it was that, under cover of processions of young maidens and village lads, and amid the gayety of a noisy festival, I bade goodbye to my companions as they ignited the P. R. Gas and moved away.  The reader can well imagine the great joy in my heart as, with a deafening roar, our craft rose high above the Kingdom of Thailand and into the atmosphere surrounding their planet. 

My lovely Noy gave me a sniff kiss and asked if when we reached Candidata she could go shopping.  Of course, forever grateful that she was accompanying me back to my home planet, I agreed; to which she said, "I love you too much!"  And although I shall always have fond memories of my interesting and edifying voyage to the remarkable Kingdom of Thailand, I can honestly say that I thank Susej it is over, for never before had I realized how wonderful our Candidatan society really is.



Argaivís Diary has been translated from the Candidatan script by Dean Barrett. 

Copyright Dean Barrett 2005-14

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