Being the full and true Description of a voyage to the strange planet of Chaostika in the Outer Region of Llihelom, and with the beings who reside in a Kingdom known as Thailand, including a Full Account of the Customs, Habits, Beliefs and Quaint Behavior of the Inhabitants. In One Volume.


Chapter the Eleventh


The Author Describes a Misunderstanding Which Causes Him to Flee


Relates His Rendezvous with his Beloved Noy


As I have repeatedly mentioned that these memoirs of my journey to the wonderful but incredibly bizarre Kingdom of Thailand are written for the children of my home planet, Candidata, I shall not go into detail on my sudden and traumatic encounter with my brother Ė my beloved and only brother who had now chosen to become a ladyboy working in one of the more notorious areas of the Kingdom. Yet I can say that although I used whatever persuasive powers I was able to muster, I could not induce my brother to mend his ways and accompany me away from that dreadful spot.  And so, ignoring the entreaties of various sexes, all of whom proclaimed me to be a ďhansum man,Ē I managed to make my tearful escape from that strange area.  I returned to my apartment and, with the aid of the Kingdomís many types of brew, drowned my sorrows until I fell asleep.  I was awoken by loud pounding at the window and a female voice screaming for me to get up and run away as quickly as possible.  I threw opened the drapes and saw that it was the wife of my favorite Cultural Interpreter, a lovely young woman whose previous trysts with myself I have thought it best not to include in this journal for those of impressionable age.

I remember clearly it was on the morning of the thirtieth yad of the third noom that I heard her excited shouts.  She beseeched me to immediately gather my belongings and to flee as quickly as possible.  I had, she said, violated the Legality Law of the Kingdom by interrupting workers in the factory and by planting in their minds thoughts which are inconsistent with the economic policies of the Hi-So ten per cent.  Hence, the Protectors of the Ten Per Cent were on their way to arrest me as an obstacle which prevents those in the Hi-So upper ten per cent of the economic structure from increasing their material possessions.  Indeed, even as she spoke, I could see incensed mobs of merchants, traders, politicians and Protectors of the Ten Per Cent on their way to apprehend me.

And so, even before my residence in the Kingdom had reached the fourth noom, I suddenly found it necessary to find a means of escape.  I do confess that wherever I journeyed in the Kingdom, workers often downed their tools and left their machines to get a better view of me and to listen carefully to my discourse. Naturally, their employers were not at all pleased about this.  Furthermore, in what the reader may feel was an indiscretion on my part, I disclosed a bit about the status of the workers on Candidata.  Without exception, the workers of the Kingdom of Thailand were amazed to learn that in the Republic of Candidata workers have as many material goods and as much say in the affairs of the state as have our political and financial leaders.  They also learned that it would be impossible for leaders on my planet of Candidata to say that they would favor those sections of a country which voted for them or to use their positions to aid their friends and associates or to neglect blatant and sustained corruption or to use any pressure to close media not favorable to the government.

The reader can well imagine my gratitude to the wife of my Cultural Interpreter who, at great personal risk, gave me warning of what was to come.  I begged her to tell the people of Thailand that on no occasion had I ever intended to give offence to their customs or to violate the laws of their society.  Gathering up my sister and my brother was no easy task as it involved venturing into areas of the city which were not particularly friendly to those who would take friends away, but once I had explained the danger, my beloved brother and sister said they would at least accompany me to assist in preparing our spacecraft to lift off.  I gathered what belongings we had and I again thanked my Cultural Interpreter's wife and rushed out the back door of my apartment.  By taxi, by boat, by private car and driver (to whom we paid an outrageous sum), we managed to reach the northeast of Thailand.  My driver informed me that I was very fortunate that the political leader of the Kingdom had decided that the planets were not aligned in a manner beneficial to him and so he had decided to say and do nothing until the new year. Hence, the leaderless orders that had been given for my capture were confused and contradictory, thereby making it difficult for my pursuers to launch a coordinated search party.

At last, at nearly three in the morning, exhausted, I found myself once again in the village of my beloved Noy.  Whatever the danger, and whatever my fate, I certainly had no intention of leaving the Kingdom without once again seeing the young Issarn lady who had given me such joy not to mention sensual pleasure.

As I crept stealthily into her bedroom so as not to wake her, a young village man in the bed with her woke up and, startled, ran from the room.  Noy quickly recovered from the shock of seeing me and, throwing her arms around me, assured me it was one of her brothers from her motherís second marriage to her first fatherís cousinís uncle, who had only reluctantly stayed in the bed with her on those many nights when she cried herself to sleep fearing never to see me again.

I was deeply moved by how excited and happy she was to see me again and how she had missed me to such an extent that she had needed a distant family member to accompany her to sleep.  I held her tightly in my arms and spent much time kissing away her tears.  Despite my inexpressible joy of seeing her again, my exhaustion soon overcame my excitement, and I was just drifting off to sleep when I heard her say how wonderful it was that she was pregnant with my child.


Don't Miss Next Month - the Last Chapter: THE ESCAPE!

Argaivís Diary has been translated from the Candidatan script by Dean Barrett.


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