Being the full and true Description of a voyage to the strange planet of Chaostika in the Outer Region of Llihelom, and with the beings who reside in a Kingdom known as Thailand, including a Full Account of the Customs, Habits, Beliefs and Quaint Behavior of the Inhabitants. In One Volume.
Chapter the Eighth
The Author Describes his Brief but Memorable Encounter with a Female of Thailand
the Strange Consequences which Followed
I must admit that I prefer the beauty of Candidatan women to those of the Kingdom of Thailand although without doubt certain of the young women residing in the Kingdom possessed a great deal of charm. Although part of the attraction of these females may well be similar to that which arises whenever one encounters something new and unusual, there was nonetheless a great deal of comeliness and grace in many of the ladies I encountered in my travels.
The incident I now purport to describe occurred about the time I has shrunk down to nearly the size of a tall male of Thailand. It was during this period that I occasionally strolled about the streets of the Kingdom unaccompanied by government officials. I was able to do this because I had learned that after several rounds of what was known as "Mekhong," these officials would babble incoherently, boast indecently and promptly pass out, a situation which allowed me to slip out and, for a time at least, to observe on my own. These solitary tours no longer presented any great problem as, due to my reduced height, there was now little difficulty in avoiding obstacles or causing panic.
My sister, Silaic, and brother, Artivel, were being escorted elsewhere by a different team of government officials and so I was quite alone in my exploration of the Kingdom's nightlife. One evening I found myself walking in an area known as Sukhumvit and down a lane hemmed in between what the locals referred to as "Art Bars” or “Dead Artist Bars." These bars had such names as Mona Lisa, Gaugain, Dali, Renoir and Van Gogh. Lovely young women in beautiful gowns stood about in front of these bars, encouraging passersby to join them inside for a drink and game of pool and whatever. One such young lady with long black hair down to the small of her back beckoned me over with the words," Come here, big boy." There being no one in the entire Kingdom taller than myself, I was quite certain that the words were addressed to me.
I made to introduce myself but, before I could utter a word, she grabbed my hand and pulled me up a rickety flight of stairs in a small lane leading away from the main area and into a tiny room. In my confusion, I thought the girl must be an acquaintance I had previously been introduced to and forgotten, but no sooner had we entered the room than she took off her clothes and mine as well and bade me lie upon the bed. What followed is not something to be described in a children's book but I must honestly report that during my entire stay in the Kingdom on no other occasion did I experience such a pleasurable and heartfelt greeting. My tryst with the always faithful Noy of Essarn being an exception, of course.
By way of a footnote, however, I must mention a confusing incident which occurred several days later when I was performing a necessary function in the bathroom of the quarters given to me by my kind government hosts. During this procedure, I experienced an intense pain and strange sensation in that part of my anatomy most essential for reproduction; the very same part which had played a leading role in my recent encounter with the young lady from the art bar.
After examination by one of the Kingdom's learned physicians, I was somewhat apprehensive as to the results. However, the physician merely gave me the injection of a needle and handed me several small tablets called antibiotics. He then offered me a word of caution on illnesses of this nature and the advice that I should guard myself against the Kingdom's various sexual diseases. He also quietly informed me that the information reported on the young lady's ID card was less than honest and that I should familiarize myself with the Kingdom's laws relating to minors before further proceeding on my nightly expeditions. However, after this disconcerting experience, I discontinued my nocturnal strolls entirely.
To Be Continued with a new chapter every month.
Argaiv’s Diary has been translated from the Candidatan script by Dean Barrett.
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