Being the full and true Description of a voyage to the strange planet of Chaostika in the Outer Region of Llihelom, and with the beings who reside in a Kingdom known as Thailand, including a Full Account of the Customs, Habits, Beliefs and Quaint Behavior of the Inhabitants. In One Volume.

 

Chapter the Sixth

The Kingdom's Entertainment and the Author's Embarrassment

Unfortunately, no matter how objective and understanding an intelligent traveler in a foreign land may strive to be, misunderstandings may arise when least expected.  For example, on one occasion, several interpreters escorted me to observe some of the nocturnal activities of a former fishing village by the name of Pattaya.  I was given to understand that foreigners such as myself must pay more than locals to take various modes of transport and to see various sights and while I never quite understood why that was necessary, I took this as some kind of cultural quirk on the part of the good people of this Kingdom. 

I also noticed that quite a few travelers from other kingdoms and countries who traveled to Pattaya seemed to follow a very peculiar pattern:  A male traveler would drink too much, acquire a Thai girlfriend, go to his room, tie his arms behind his back, place a paper bag over his head, and then fall from the balcony of his room to his death.  Almost invariably, such events were determined by the local constabulary to be "accidental." 

I admit to being quite confused on this and on many other customs in this remarkable Kingdom sometimes known as "Amazing Thailand," but as I have endeavored to point out to my readers, one must never assume customs which appear strange and ludicrous and bizarre to us are in fact strange and ludicrous and bizarre.  It may simply be that I have yet to discover the system of logic that the inhabitants of this Kingdom live by.  But, although I have yet to discern even a modicum of logic in the modes of thinking and daily actions of the inhabitants, I shall persevere in attempting to discover whatever lies beneath the surface.

However, it was in the evening when I found myself sitting at the counter of what was referred to as a "go go bar" that I was most perplexed regarding the customs of this wonderful Kingdom.  In these bars, it seems to be the custom of the local females to dress in skimpy bikinis and to shine vertically installed chrome poles with their bodies, all the while gyrating and cavorting to loud and fast music.  And when not dancing they would stand or sit with customers while drinking intoxicating beverages.  I was told I was a "very hansum man" and was treated most kindly by these maidens and I certainly appreciated this very much.  One of them propped herself on my lap, kissed me full on the lips, and whispered in my ear that she would be pleased to escort me to a local hotel.  As I was with my Thai government friends, I felt it necessary to decline her kind invitation and was saddened to see that within seconds of my demurral she was on the lap of a young foreigner across the room.

I had begun to discuss some of my planet's Ethics and Religious Practices with my cultural interpreters and hosts when I began to notice that none of my interpreters seemed to be paying me any attention.  Instead they would remark among themselves as to the prodigious size of various parts of the females' anatomies.  In an attempt to join in the spirit of the evening's entertainment, I also made several similar remarks which were overheard by the females as well.  As I was not all that conversant with the attractions of one Thai for another, remarks which I had thought laudatory were in fact taken by the females as insulting.

Hence, as the magnitude of the female's endowments seemed to be cause for praise, I began remarking about their large ears, the enormous girths of their waists and their incredibly big feet.  Much to my surprise, this seemed to upset the ladies sitting with us and it was necessary to leave the Go Go Bar rather hurriedly.  It is obvious that there is much in the behavior patterns of Thais which must remain as the subject of further anthropological study.

 

To Be Continued with a new chapter every month.

Argaivís Diary has been translated from the Candidatan script by Dean Barrett.

 

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