It’s All in the Timing!

Dean Barrett


Khun Jak was a go go dancer, cute and sexy and- well, there wasn’t much not to like about Khun Jak.  I always enjoyed sitting with her; she had worked at the same Soi Cowboy bar for years.  I would discuss the momentous issues of the day, foreign policy and domestic, the state of the human condition: the comedic and the tragic, and she would always give me the same reply: “Jak want tequila!”

Somehow I always felt that her response had deep significance and I regarded it as the one philosophy of life I could count on.  And needless to say I ended up buying her a lot of tequilas.  So one day I decided to barfine Khun Jak and take her next door to a hotel.  This was nothing new - I had done this in the past, and always she took quite a while to change clothes, then we would go to a nearby restaurant to grab a bite to eat, then make our way leisurely to the hotel room.

I always made certain I popped a Viagra or squeezed out a packet of Kamagra Gel into my mouth the second she got up to go into the changing room.  So that by the time she came back and we finished our drinks and walked over to the restaurant and had a bite to eat, and entered the hotel room, Mr. Happy would be brawny, burly and raring to go!

Unfortunately, as we learn in life, some of the best-laid plans often go astray or “oft gang aglay” as I believe the poet Robert Burns first expressed it.  Jak went off to change, and I squeezed a packet of Kamagra Gel orange flavor into my mouth.  Now I should mention that Mr. Happy does not like orange much and does not do his best work on orange flavor, but that was the only flavor the drugstore had in store.  No caramel, no strawberry, nada.

Much to my surprise, I had hardly finished wolfing down the Kamagra Gel when Jak reappeared all dressed and ready to go.  She walked up to my table and said, “OK, let’s go.”  I was shocked.  I said, “Wow, that was fast!  Anyway, you still have your drink here.”  She said: “That’s all right, they will keep it for me.”

This was not good!  Kamagra Gel takes at least 30 minutes to begin its work (at least for me) and here we were heading out the door.  But I figured I could just order more food and take our time eating.  But as I headed toward the restaurant she said: “No, I ate before, let’s just go hotel!”

This was not just bad, this could prove to be a disaster of the first magnitude!  Somehow I had to stall as much as possible to allow the Kamagra time to do its work.  Of course, it is possible even at my age that I need no drugs of any kind to get the job done but one never knows; besides Jak was what was known as a “starfish,” in other words, she would lie almost motionlessly on the bed the way a starfish looks as it has been washed up on shore.

So I knew I could not expect much help from her in assisting Mr. Happy with his mission.  Stalling was all I could do.  So when we went to the hotel lobby to get the key, needless to say, I had to search my pockets for the money, and engage the clerk in a bit of conversation.  Then when Jak and I stood by the elevator I pretended to push the button but blocked it from her direct line of sight.  Until finally she got impatient and looked for herself and saw that I had in fact not pushed the button, so she reached over and did it.  I excused myself, saying I thought I had pushed it.

Inside the elevator I prayed as never before to whatever gods might be that the elevator would get stuck but no such luck. And there we were walking down the hallway to the door to the bedroom.  And here I decided to become quite stupid and so had a lot of trouble fumbling with the key until once again Jak got impatient, grabbed the key from my hand, and opened the door.

I looked around the room as if it was something I had never seen before – not even in my wildest dreams.  “Jak, look at this refrigerator!  Quite something, huh!  And this wall mirror looks like it might be quite old!”  But Jak continued stripping off her clothes and ignoring my monologue.  So I walked to the window which looked out over Soi Cowboy and tried a new technique.  “Jak, take a look at this!  You know, I actually met the fellow this soi was named after.  And in those days, there was none of this neon, only-”

“Jak take shower!”

I turned to see Jak, her lovely body wrapped only in a towel, disappear into the bathroom.  Clearly, the colorful history of Soi Cowboy was of little interest to her.  And so I slowly undressed pleading with Mr. Happy to speed things up and that I knew how outrageous this was to ask him to perform on such short notice but I promised I would make it up to him.

Much too soon, Jak reappeared and it was my turn to shower.  Well, I’m here to tell you, I stretched out that shower as long as possible and even had trouble with the knobs and such.  To such an extent that Jak had to come in and explain that I should be using the little red knobs which controlled the shower, not the larger knobs, which were for the bathtub.  Stupid farang!

And so I dried myself off and reentered the bedroom hoping by the time I did so Jak might have fallen asleep.  No such luck.

Not to worry, dear reader, I am not the type of writer to provide TMI (too much information).  Let me just say that I would have won no lovemaking contests that evening.

And so eventually we left the hotel and I walked Khun Jak to the bar and headed up Soi Cowboy and over to Sukhumvit to get a taxi home.  And THEN the damn Kamagra gel kicked in.  Let me just say, I did not even have to raise my arm to attract the attention of a taxi driver…

The End