Exclusive Report: Thailand's Kapoo Clubs



A very smart new building has been constructed at the end of my soi. As so often, in the early phase it seemed like the whole building was going to be up and finished within a couple of weeks, but then progress seemed to grind to a standstill, and it was about six more months before it finally was completed.  The problem was that I had no idea what it was.  A single sign displayed the name.  But there was no other signage whatsoever to indicate its purpose.

But then a clue arrived in my letterbox.  The local residents' committee had sent round a letter complaining about this new building, and the inappropriate, obscene services provided within its walls.  At the bottom were two boxes with captions:
1. I strongly disapprove of this nefarious establishment being situated near a residential area occupied by families, in breach of building regulations, and I demand that it be closed. 


2. I approve of this establishment, I intend to visit frequently, avail myself of every obscene service they provide (and maybe teach them some new ones), and acknowledge that I am a pervert of the most dangerous variety who should be spurned and given dirty looks whenever passed in the neighborhood, even by those who haven't heard from the security guards about the times late at night that I come home drunk with girls young enough to be my granddaughters.

I didn't return the form.
But it did make me even more curious.

I suppose it should have been obvious that something exciting was going on inside this strange building, because it was constructed with no windows.  When a building is designed with no windows, it is a dead giveaway that something terribly exciting must be going on inside.
a. It must be so exciting and secret that they don't want anyone peering in.  b. Whatever is going on inside must present such a wonderful view that it is inconceivable that anyone would ever want to look out of a window.

You might ask why I didn't rush there immediately to research this new establishment for the education of Dean Barrett's readers.
Two things held me back.  Firstly it was so close to my house that it would be absolutely impossible to get in unseen by my neighbours, security guards, somtam sellers, road sweepers or any other of the locals who consider it part of their occupation to act as unpaid spy for my girlfriend. It is unwise to fulfill one's secret fantasies twenty yards from your front door. Secondly, I am a shy fellow, and am always a little shy to enter a place for the first time and ask the questions that one needs answered. What happens here? How much is it?Do they give BBBJs?  Do you have to tip?

This is vital information. Imagine if one got the wrong idea, and asked for something horribly inappropriate.  What if I availed myself of all the services and on receipt of the bill did not have enough money?  It would be somewhat embarrassing to be thrown out, my trousers around my ankles, in full view of my neighbors.  So I didn't go in. But I was still curious. About a week later I was telling a Thai male friend about this mysterious new establishment, and by good fortune he was an expert in such matters, and had in fact been there only a few nights previously, and he told me that it was a Kapoo Club.

It never ceases to amaze me how many variations the Thais manage to find for ways to sell and package nookie. But this was a new one to me.  Apparently, these establishments have become very popular with Thai men recently. They offer what we farang might refer to as a 'rub and a tug', or as it is sometimes more politely known - an 'oil massage'.  In these times of economic hardship, Thai men have had to make cutbacks in their nookie budget, and the kapoo clubs have filled a gap in the market. For something around 1000 Baht, one can be relieved of one's sexual tension. One generally picks the lady from a photo in a book. Many of the girls are students and quite pretty, and since no actual sex takes place, they can earn lots of money, and still consider themselves 'good' girls.

Of course if you pay extra, a lot of the girls will take off their tops and or bottoms whilst performing the massage, but again no actual sex takes place, so they are still 'good' girls. Just so you understand.  And in fact you can sometimes pay even more for two girls who will both take off their tops and bottoms and slip and slide in extraordinary ways all over the place, and both of them, of course, are 'good' girls.  Being a 'good' girl is very important. These girls would not dream of doing anything so 'bad' as dancing on a stage scantily clad. Just so you understand. 
Only one question remained. Why 'kapoo'?

I was convinced that its origin was onomatopoeic. I imagine that if there were ever a comic book scene of Batman being jerked off by a Thai college girl, the moment of ejaculation might well be captioned -  'KAPOO!'  However, it turns out that it is a play on the words Kajoo and Kapok (penis and testicles).

I read a review of one of the 'kapoo clubs' online by a farang who had ventured inside one of these places without fully understanding the rules. He was horrified that the girl wouldn't have sex with him, outraged that she would not fellate him, and infuriated by the fact that she wanted extra money to take her top off. He evidently had no idea that these were 'good' girls.

A final note on this subject:
I have spoken to many Western men for whom the concept of paying for a girl to bring you to climax by using her hands seems somehow wasteful, unnecessary, and generally a poor substitute for other methods of sexual interaction. However, my recent research has revealed that a well-trained practitioner can bring you to levels of pleasure that maybe you had never imagined possible.  Also the Thai economy really does need help, and there are a lot of poor students who need financial assistance, so while indeed it is true that one does not theoretically need a second pair of hands to engage in this activity, you'll find that they can do it so much better, and you can feel good about your contribution to the Thai economy and educational system.

This has been a special report from one of Dean Barrett's men on the street. 'We do the dirty jobs, so you don't have to'.