SERIOUS REPLIES ONLY!

A one-act Play by

Dean Barrett

 

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SERIOUS REPLIES ONLY!

 

At rise. Four adults are standing upstage - a young man, a man in early middle age, a middle-aged woman and a transvestite.

The WOMAN is dressed conservatively, is very proper in appearance and demeanor and is wearing a kitchen apron. She looks as if she's just stepped out of the kitchen where she must have been baking cookies.

The MIDDLE AGED MAN is dressed in studded leather and cowboy boots and hat or a leather-and-levis combination and is holding a bullwhip.

The TRANSVESTITE has a purse on her shoulder and a brightly colored feather boa around her neck.

The YOUNG MAN is clean cut, clean shaven and casually dressed, American middle class style, absolutely nothing unusual about him and he is holding a bouquet of flowers.

The WOMAN walks to downstage center and faces the audience. She speaks with a southern accent.

 

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WOMAN

Hi...(wipes her hands with her apron and giggles) Never thought in all my born days I'd be placin' an advertisement in one of these here columns but...the truth is Jedediah - my beloved husband - he died year before last and it gets a bit lonely just bakin' cookies for church socials and leadin' fund drives for the local high school. And some of the girls in my sewin' circle were talkin' after bingo the other night, sayin' as how it was high time I stopped hidin' my light under a bushel basket and reached out for some kind of companionship. And how Jedediah would have wanted me to. Well, anyway, here goes! I'm a single white female and I would like to perform oral sex on a male member of an American Indian tribe between the ages of 19 and 33; preferably Comanche, Apache, Chickasaw or Choctaw.  Bein' a God-fearin', Bible-readin' Christian woman, I would prefer you be from a tribe where no gamblin' is allowed; or at least where the roulette table has none of them 'double zeeros' to give the House unfair odds; but, whatever, I would consider performin' on male members of other Native American tribes such as Pawnee, Pequot, Nez Perce, Pueblo, Crow, Creek, Blackfeet, Cherokee, Seminole, Shawnee, Powhatan, Ojibwe-

 

(As the MIDDLE-AGED MAN walks downstage center, the WOMAN takes several steps backward while still rattling off names of Indian tribes but much softer. She stands about ten feet behind him to one side. The MAN begins speaking after "Ojibwe" and the WOMAN continues reciting names of tribes)

 

WOMAN

(cont)

Navajo, Lakota, Ogala Sioux, Hopi, Shoshone, Kickapoo, Kiowa, Seneca, Cheyenne Arapaho, Mohawk, Suquamish, Shenacossett, Delaware, Miami, Chippewa, Dakota, Menominee, MicMac, Miskitu, Mohave, Mohican, Muscogee, Narragansett, Omaha, Osage, Paiute, Passamaquoddy, Pequot, Potawatomi, Iroquois, Laguna, Lahu, Shoshone, Yaqui...(start over from 'Navajo')

 

(The MAN speaks in a very confident, assured, somewhat aggressive manner. He's done it all and has nothing to hide. Occasionally, he flicks his whip)

 

MAN

Hi...I'm a dominant white male and my wife is generally submissive; but she can be switchable. I can also be switchable if you're bi, but I'm not bi if you're switchable, unless you're a dominant bi switchable into latex and leather, or a voyeuristically inclined crossdressing female switchable into silk and satin. And bi. In which case my wife is dominant; but not bi. And I get to wear the silk and satin...(snaps his whip) Serious replies only! Anyway, we're both in our early thirties with gym-trained, well-toned hard bodies. We've been in the scene for awhile but we're squeaky clean and expect you to be as well. We also expect you to be non-smoking, discreet, drug and allergy-free. We're in search of an open-minded Asian woman interested in having some fun-filled fantasies realized - whatever's clever sort of stuff. We hope you'll actively participate, but the first time out you might just want to watch until you get your bearings, so to speak. We're open to just about anything or anyone but we would prefer a Chinese female into high heels, stockings, garter belts and lingerie somewhere between postpubescence and premenopausal from either Hangchow or Soochow; Or especially from any city along the Silk Road whose name begins with "K". My wife's a history buff so any woman from a city visited by Marco Polo would be especially welcome. But we would consider tattooed women from Liuchow or women into body piercing from Lanchow or women into body building from Gwangchow or women into rubber from Yangchow or women in general from certain other select cities in China such as Jinchow, Wuchow, Guilin, Shanghai, Beijing, Tienjing, Ch'ungjing, Swatow, Jungshan-

 

(As the TRANSVESTITE walks downstage center, the MAN takes several steps backward while still rattling off names of Chinese cities but much softer. He stands about ten feet in the rear. As the TRANSVESTITE speaks both the MAN and WOMAN continue reciting)

 

MAN (cont)

Toi San, Hong Kong, Ao-men, Shuangliao, Nanchang, Shaoxing, Changsha, Foshan, Anyang, Fenyang, Chingyang, Luoyang, Hanyang, Yichang, Tsingdao, Lushun, Boshan, Jining, Hechuan, Leshan, Pingliang, Nenjiang, Tongjiang, Fujin, Huludao, Weihai, Taoan, Jongwei, Yulin...(start over from 'Toi San')

 

(The TRANSVESTITE arrives, takes out a powder puff and powders her face)

 

TRANSVESTITE

Hi...I'm a pre-op transsexual and I'm in search of-

 

(She looks at the audience to see if they've understood)

 

TRANSVESTITE

(cont)

Pre-op... 'Previous to the operation'.

 

(She glances at WOMAN, then back to audience. Pats her crotch)

 

TRANSVESTITE (cont)

I haven't had my Nez Perced yet, if you get my drift. And, believe it, Sweetie, unlike your family I'm fully functional. And I'm looking for anyone daring enough to be interested in having the best of both worlds.

 

(The TRANSVESTITE glances at MAN, then back to audience)

 

TRANSVESTITE (cont)

The yin and the yang. For those of you swingers who will accept nothing less than both the jetstream AND the gulfstream, I am your dream fantasy come true! Deny yourself no longer. For those nights when you're horny but you're not sure if you want Sally or Sammy - So, hey, go for the Double Whammy! (powders face) As for all of you Guinness Book of Record people, my Big Bamboo measures nine inches erect...Well, maybe not, (points at audience member) but at least it appears on the radar screen which is more than I can say for yours. (powders face) And, I hasten to remind you, fully functional. Rain or shine. Longitude or latitude. Bad-ass with a bad attitude. And I'm in search of anyone of either sex - make that 'any sex' - with astrological and animal signs compatible with mine. That would mean you were born Aquarius during the Year of the Horse or Year of the Snake or Year of the Tiger or born Libran during the Year of the Rat or Year of the Boar or Year of the Pig or Year of the Cock...

 

(As the last ACTOR walks downstage center, the TRANSVESTITE takes several steps backward while still rattling off astrological signs and animal names but much softer; all three ACTORS continue reciting)

 

TRANSVESTITE

Or Cancer born in the Year of the Goat, Year of the Monkey, Year of the Dog, Year of the Snake, or Sagitarius born in the Year of the Rat, Year of the Horse, Year of the Ox, Year of the Tiger, or Peices born in the Year of the Serpent or Year of the Boar or Year of the Goat or Year of the Dragon or Aries born in the Year of the Rabbit, Year of the Horse, Year of the Dog...

 

(BOB is diffident, shy, embarrassed)

 

BOB

Hi...My name is Bob. First time advertiser (fidgets nervously)...Well, it's the old story, I guess. I split up with my girlfriend a few months ago and I'm kind of lonely and I'd really like to meet a nice girl...We could maybe like go out on a date, (briefly holds up flowers) have dinner, that kind of thing, and see if we like each other some. And, if all goes well, we might get more involved. Not that I mean to rush anyone but I am an old-fashioned serious type of person who would like to date with a view toward a long relationship possibly ending in marriage.

 

(At the word "marriage" the other three stop reciting and stare horrified at BOB)

 

BOB (cont)

And a family. I mean, we could have a home in the suburbs with a real grass lawn and genuine concrete driveway while I build up a business and you become a soccer mom and bake cookies for the local PTA and we raise a house full of kids and a dog or two and...

 

(BOB turns to look behind him, first to the left, then to the right; He sees the others are staring at him; then he turns back to the audience)

 

(The other ACTORS slowly move toward BOB. They nod in agreement with what he says)

 

BOB (cont)

And the house will smell of kids' urine and dog doo, and the kids'll most likely hate us both and get into drugs...and you'll get bored with me and I'll get bored with you...and no matter how hard I work, the debts will pile up...and we'll lose interest in making love with each other and we'll start lying to each other and start having affairs with others...

 

(The WOMAN takes the flowers from his hand)

 

BOB (cont)

And we'll argue in front of the kids and the kids'll cry and you'll shout and throw things and I'll lose my temper and hit you...

 

(The MAN places the whip into BOB's hand which held the flowers)

 

BOB (cont)

And you'll call the police and file for divorce...and we'll both get lawyers...and I'll start drinking heavily and my business will fail...

 

(TheTRANSVESTITE places the boa around BOB's neck and quickly gives each of his cheeks a pat with a powder puff, then all THREE ACTORS take a step back and wait.  BOB snaps the whip)

 

BOB (cont)

(with renewed vigor)

Hi, I'm Bob. I'm kinky as hell and I'm in search of a very, very brief relationship. Serious replies only!

 

(The other three ACTORS nod their heads in unison)

 

MAN/WOMAN/TRANSVESTITE

Uh, huh.

BLACKOUT

THE END

Note: The chanting of place names, etc. should sound almost religious. The actors should be bathed in soft spots while they are reciting.

 

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Review of the Babylon Players production of Serious Replies Only by Julie La Beau-bond in North Carolina: "With a sharp, teasing tongue, this playbite, the most concise of the evening's offerings, offers a liberal if not somewhat slanted view of societal norm.  Dean Barrett writes witty dialogue that crackles satisfyingly in the mouth."

Copyright 2014 Dean Barrett

No part of this play may be performed or published without written permission from the playwright