We Regret to Inform You

Have you ever worried about what happens after you die?  Well, I have.  I don't mean I'm afraid of death.  What I am deathly afraid of is when I die exactly how much detail is incorporated into the notice sent to my parents by the American Embassy in Bangkok.  From my lifestyle, it is quite obvious that I will most likely die in bed; and that one or more go go dancers will be in close proximity.  And if the American Embassy simply sends notification to my parents announcing something like "We regret to inform you that your son passed away peacefully..."  Well, that would be OK.  But in my nightmares, I have seen messages from the embassy far more detailed than that.  Here from one of those nightmares is the notification of the embassy to my parents in the USA:

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Barrett,

We regret to inform you that on such and such a date your son passed away inside a short time hotel in a notorious bar area of Bangkok.  Although we realize this news will come as a terrible shock to you, you may take comfort in knowing that your son did not die alone but was comforted by those he loved. (Please see enclosed invoice from Lek and Noy.)

We are assured by those who knew him that he was well regarded, if not by the entire Bangkok community, certainly by many who knew him inside Nana Plaza and whose bar bills he had settled prior to his decease; and we know you would wish to honor his memory by paying off the four enclosed invoices in full.

The first invoice is for 4,000 baht, that is, 2,000 baht apiece from the two aforementioned young entertainment providers of Nana Plaza, Lek from the Erotica Bar and Noy from Playskool a go go.

The second is for certain items which your son is believed to have rented for the occasion from a club known as Demonia, formerly known as Cave Bar, Sukhumvit Road, soi 33. These items include one leather flogger, one pair of handcuffs and assorted restraints, one braided kangaroo leather whip with horsehair tips, two pairs of leather lace-up bustiers,, black leather lace-up shorts with matching black leather zip-up bras, bootcamp officer uniform including beret and campaign medals, jail bait costume including gingham plaid mini-skirt and pink hair ribbons and various schoolbooks such as Social Responsibility & Massage Parlor Management 101, wet look cleavage dress with slogan “My Sugar Daddy Reads The Big Chilli,” ruby-red ballet slippers with studded insteps and ankle straps, one battery-operated Bill Clinton cigar-shaped vibrator with repeating voice “I feel your pain,” one pair of unisexual handmade nipple clips, two “daddy’s little helper” baby doll fishnet thong teddys with ostrich feather trimming and stretched garter belts, two glow-in-the-dark G-strings, and, finally, two CDs with similar titles but with dissimilar subject matter: The first is Anna and her Sisters. The second is Anna does her sisters. The total amount of this invoice is 9,660 baht. And twelve satang.

Third, there is the invoice for 380 baht from the hotel itself as your son apparently did not pay in advance. According to our sources, your son was allowed to settle his bill after his stays as he was a regular and welcome client at that establishment. The first part of this invoice, that is, 300 baht, is a special frequent guest price for the Gigolo Room, complete with wall and ceiling mirrors, vibrating bed, bag ladies in bondage wallpaper, and short-time shower with rubber hose. The remaining 80 baht charge is for your son’s purchase of four silky smooth, natural rubber, lubricated, deep-ribbed, ultra-sensitive, flare-shaped, latex condoms with reservoir ends, electronically textured for mutual pleasure.

Finally, we include the invoice passed on to us from the Royal Thai Police Force. We regret to mention that the Thai police found that one of the girl’s ID cards was false and she actually was jail bait, that is to say, the girl in question was under legal age according to the laws of Thailand. Your son is therefore being sued posthumously for having had sex with a minor but we are told off the record that if you pay the enclosed invoice of 40,000 baht promptly no further action will be taken.

On a happier note, we are pleased to enclose a gift certificate to the Chao Phraya II Massage Parlor which was found among your son’s possessions. We realize it would now be of little use to your son but perhaps you know of someone planning a trip to Thailand and you could pass it along.

You are no doubt aware that your son left written instructions to the effect that in the event of his passing he should be cremated, and, as this was prepaid, this has been carried out according to his wishes. Unfortunately, the prepaid amount was not quite enough to have your son’s ashes placed within the grounds of a temple, but we think you will be pleased to learn that your son’s ashes are to be auctioned off for charity at the next Nanapong.com go go contest which will be held in Nana Plaza’s Angel Witch bar in the very near future.

Again, we express our deepest sympathy for your loss and please note, regarding your remittance, the exchange rate between the baht and American dollar is now 30 to one US dollar.

Very sincerely yours,

Citizen Services Section, American Embassy, Bangkok

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Copyright Dean Barrett 2014