Coming Down (in Thailand)


So I was in a hurry to catch my flight to the States and I found myself hastily exiting an establishment in lower Sukhumvit when the sidewalk was blocked by a malodorous, mid-sized elephant with beady eyes and ears in the shape of Thailand and which apparently thought he had the God-given right-of-way on the sidewalk and that I would gladly buy him some overpriced bananas to make him step aside so I thought well screw you Dumbo I got a plane to catch and I don't do blackmail especially not on lower Sukhumvit and you can't go much lower than Sukhumvit if you see what I mean so I grabbed the arrogant son of a bitch by his thick, grey smarmy snout and spun the fat bastard around and around and the pathetic pachyderm started squealing and shrieking like a Tequila-fed hooker taking it where the sun don't shine but too late fat boy you shouldnda pissed me off and when I let him go he sailed off down soi 7/1 and smashed into Eden Club and the clubís front wall collapsed and beds came crashing down and the mostly naked girls came screaming out one of which I heard later got fatally pierced along with her client when Dumbo landed on the dildo she had just strapped on and people were running and shouting and screaming in different languages and a vendor's cart with hairy red rambutans and pollution-caked green mangos got smashed along with the vendor and the mahout was coming at me waving a mean-looking serrated knife and screaming and I thought fuck this scene so I jumped into a taxi and headed for my plane where all was well or at least the drugs were starting their long erratic hike back down the hill when the sweet, smiling Thai stewardess in a Viagra-blue pasin with Cialis-yellow stripes came over and asked if I wanted coffee or tea and I had just said coffee when we heard another stewardess shout hysterically to a guy (who resembled Dave the Rave) about to enter a bathroom, "Hey!  You aren't business class!" and then both stewardesses and some stewards surrounded the guy and beat the living shit out of him and then dragged his body off toward economy class and the stewardess came back with my coffee and a big Thai smile and just a smudge or two of the guyís blood on her pasin and asked if I would like sugar and milk and I said I'm glad to see some airlines enforce their regulations about bathrooms and she said she really liked guys with wrinkles and receding hairlines and could she sit next to me and I said sure and she reached down and threw a middle-aged Chinese chick out of the next seat and sat next to me and placed her hand on my lap and immediately John-among-the-maids AKA Bamboo Johnny sprang to life and I asked her if it would be all right to undress her and she said sure and I reached over but then the drugs started kicking in again and I thought shit fuck this scene so when the Chinese chick smacked the stewardess into oblivion with the fire extinguisher the sound woke me up and I found that one more Soi Cowboy chick had put a wet towel on my bathroom door rack which can only hold very little weight no more than panties and a bra never never a wet towel never so the rack had hit the floor with a bang so I will have to find somebody to write in Thai for me Bras & Panties Only and put the sign up over the sink just below the ant-infested elk head with the glassy black eyes and the Winchester round in the forehead because I am tired of this shit and I need some shuteye but while she was taking her shower and singing which sounded like a water buffalo in heat my cell phone rang and it was a guy I know, an English film director making a Thai movie and he wants me to jump in a taxi and head out past the old airport right away to be an extra in his movie and it wonít take long he says because I get pistol-whipped and shot dead by a bank robber in the first minutes of the film and he doesnít have a budget to pay extras but heíll put in a good word for me with number 51 at Shebaís the one with legs longer than the legs of the Giant Swing at Wat Suthat and when they finish shooting I can have the pistol if I want but then my battery went dead and I thought fuck that shit and now the drugs are winding their merry way out of my system and a Xanax or three will fix me up in no time and I will never never again do uppers and downers and black Russians to fight off jetlag nope never but I canít sleep because the guy next door is playing Beethovenís 5th too loud or maybe itís the 7th or maybe itís the theme from Exodus but whatever the fuck it is itís too fucking loud so I go next door to ask the fucker to turn down the music, trying to remember the Thai words for that, trying so hard I forgot I wasnít wearing anything except my Jatakham Ramathep amulet so when his wife opens the door she screams like I was a rapist or some such shit and the guy chases me all the way back into my apartment but trips on my welcome mat and knocks himself out when his head smashes against the wall on the way down and his two fat little kids are crying hysterically and his wife is screaming at me in some kind of northeast dialect comprehensible only to people living in remote villages along the Thai-Laotian border and the guy is still out cold and turning a kind of color like the patina on old Buddhas and the chick in the shower runs out wearing nothing but a fraying green towel which I thought looked really neat contrasting as it did with her brothel-brown skin and the towel slipped beneath her breasts and her nipples projected boldly skyward at about the same angle of elevation as the gun emplacements the Vietnamese had on the hills above Dien Bien Phu when they surrounded the French but then some guy starts chasing me with a knife and I managed to get out a window but that's when I noticed the flying saucers hovering above the canal and I thought fuck this scene thatís it Iím off uppers and downers and Wild Turkey on the rocks and black Russians forever and ever but thenÖ.    Copyright 2014 Dean Barrett


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