The Democratic Republic of Bluggle:

 

A Loony Planet Travel Guide

 

 

     As more and more tours are offered to travelers, and as more and more guidebooks and travel brochures are written, it is obvious to those who have read or even written the books and brochures, that both the written material and the group tours they describe are becoming more and more alike.  In fact, many travel guides have become so alike that, except for the actual names of the attractions in a particular destination, one guide reads almost exactly like another.  To illustrate this point, let us take a look at the following travel brochure written for tourists.  Needless to say, any similarity between our mythical tourist destination and actual tourist destinations is purely coincidental.

 

     The name of our country will be Bluggle, the inhabitants will be referred to as Blugs and the scenic views and attractions will be known as blahs.  Any other words necessary will be derivatives of these three.  Let us see then how our brochure will be written:

 

     Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Bluggle, the Pearl of the Orient (Venice of the North, Playground of the South, Pride of the Baltic, etc.)  Whatever the time of day or night, no matter what the season of the year, the magic of beautiful, unspoiled Bluggle will take you in thrall.  As you may know, Bluggle is known for the friendliness of its Blugs, the beauty of its blahs and the uniqueness of its capital, Bluggleville, enveloped by perfumed gardens, exotic nights, cool sea breezes (and guerrilla armies).

 

History – The first Blugs probably arrived in Bluggle about the year A.D. 1234.  They quickly conquered the native Blugs and their settlement of Blahbleblug and soon founded the capital, Bluggleville.  The mighty city of Bluggleville has today completely eclipsed Blahbleblug as a capital city and, more importantly, as a tourism destination.  The colonial system was firmly established in Bluggle during the Battle of Blaggleblug, but not before the Blugs had established Blugsblah as their religion.  During the 20th century, the colonial system was overthrown in the Battle of Blahbleblah thanks to the heroic leadership of General Blahberbluggle who unfortunately died shortly after battle from a fatal overdose of glug-glug.

     In any case, after the battle of Blahbleblah, the colonial system ended and the rise of modern Blugglerian nationalism (and civil wars) began.  Independence was proclaimed at Bloodbath Square in Blahblug Palace in (day/month/year).

 

Population – The population of Bluggle is estimated at about XX million Blugs, and that of the capital proper, X million Blugs.  The people are basically of Blahbluggle stock with low cheek bones, high collar bones, short ears, short tempers and massive chins.  The females of the nation are known for their feminine charm and giant bluggers.  Some of the females have undergone GRS (gender reassignment surgery) and now have buggers as well as bluggers.

 

Language – The national language is Blahblah but English is understood in many of the larger towns and even by a few of those working in the travel trade industry.  Colonialblah is also spoken by the older generation.

 

Cuisine – There is a great diversity in Blugglerian cuisine.  The traditional way of eating is with a chopstick in the left hand, a fork in the right and a set of false teeth in the mouth (although the country’s leaders are always born with silver spoons in their mouths which makes eating difficult at the best of times).  The cuisine varies enormously from one end of the country to the other.  Although the ambrosial feasts which appear in tourism folders may be extremely expensive or impossible to find, attractive prints of the brochure photographs can be ordered and are suitable for framing.  Also, for those who enjoy an unpretentious cuisine, a Big Blak’s has recently opened in Bluggleville Square and is proving popular with Blugs of all walks of life.

 

Native Handicrafts – A genuine must for every tourist is a choice of exquisite works by Blugglerian artists and craftsmen, or rather, craftspersons.  Blugglerian drama and dance are especially entertaining for their lack of subtlety and incredibly loud noise level and can be seen nightly at the Bluggle-by-the-Sea Hotel or by arrangement with Bluggle Travel & Kickback Tours.  The Bluggle Tourist Association has also been known to give assistance to tourists who have substantial incomes.

 

Sights – In the city square is the statue of Blugglebus III.  His son and Murderer, Blugglebus IV, is entombed in Blugglebusen Fortress which overlooks (and threatens to fall upon) the city.  The famous portrait of Blugglebus the Last hangs in the fortress’s Revolution Room as does Blugglebus the Last himself.  Although the portrait itself remains unframed, Blugglebus the Last was.

Resorts – Unmatched scenic blahs offer even the most jaded traveler in search of the unbeaten track, something special.  Miles of sandy blahs lapped by coral blue blahs and fringed by waving coconut blahs are waiting for you.

 

Nightlife – In the evening Bluggleville is known for its nocturnal activities.  There are many topless bars where, in exchange for brew, female Blugs with big bluggers are available for conversation and companionship.

 

Sports – Besides the usual sports found in all tourist destinations, Bluggle is known for its own version of soccer known as Bluggleball in which entire villages place great wagers on the home team and then welsh on their bets.

 

Tourist Season – Bluggle’s tourist season is from May 5th to May 19th.  During the rest of the year Bluggle is usually swept by monsoon winds with accompanying rain, engaged in civil wars, or completely submerged (or all three).  Naturally, with such a short tourist season, many unscrupulous touts and blasphemous Blugs may attempt to take advantage of tourists, so please buy from and deal only with those touts authorized by the Bluggle Tourist Association.

 

Health and Medical Facilities – Bluggle has a superb and well equipped hospital located just outside the capital at H 57 E. Coli Drive.

 

Transportation – Toutsville, the new suburb of Bluggleville, is the site of Bluggle International Airport and Duty Free Radio and Camera Outlet.  The airport can now handle up to 35 flights a day catch-as-catch-can, or three flights a day safely.  The Duty Free Radio and Camera Outlet can handle as many radios and cameras as tourists bring in in unaccompanied baggage.

     Bluggleville International Airport has been recently equipped with the most modern luggage handling system.  The tourist’s luggage first passes through the handling room where it is processed by specially trained Label Removers, whose job it is to see that all identifying labels and tags are removed from your luggage.  Your luggage then passes on to the Suitcase Pounders Section where your bags are beaten and ripped beyond recognition.  Finally, your luggage will reach the area set aside for the highly trained and remarkably skilled Suitcase Rerouters.  After that, you have (literally) nothing to worry about.

     The national airline, Bluggle Air, flies to several destinations and is known for its unusual and thoughtful offerings to passengers.  For example, your seat cushion may also be used as a flotation device and, if you do find the need to use it in that fashion, Bluggle Air invites you to keep the seat cushion as a souvenir of your flight.

 

Scenic Attractions – One of the most interesting attractions in Bluggleville is the former site of the world’s first accidental nuclear explosion (now an amusement park).  Also worth seeing are the National Museum and Journalists’ Prison; Our Savior’s Church and Political Opponents’ Prison; the Old Citadel and Torture Chamber (not so old).

     The massive and awe-inspiring monument in BlugsBlugs Center is in honor of those soldiers who died fighting during World War One, those civilians who died while escaping during the last Blugglerian Civil War, and those journalists who disappeared without trace in more recent times.  The outskirts of the city contain interesting old and colorful houses constantly smoldering from the effects of small arms fire.  The area is best seen by day with a guide from the Bluggle Tourist Association or by night with an off-duty urban guerrilla.

     Zoo, parks, gardens (and prisons) abound in Bluggleville and both animals and journalists are under constant veterinary supervision and great care is taken to give maximum freedom.

     A wonderful and relaxing vacation can be had at scuba divers’ favorite site, Bends Cove.  Pirate Point was once a bustling seaside town complete with nightlife and tourists, local Mafia and Russian Mafia but it gradually grew smaller until it became a sleepy fishing village. 

 

    

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