"She then returns to the ocean, leaving the eggs untended."


I have always contended that sea turtles are the most evil, irresponsible creatures on the planet.  And with good reason. That's right, I'm talking about those slow-moving fuckers surrounded by naive people on the beach oohing and ahing as the mother turtles and later the baby turtles make their way to the sea.  Think they're cute, do you?  But why do you suppose the worst insult you can hurl at somebody in Chinese is wangbadan ("turtle's egg")?  The answer is because the sea turtles abandon their young and, of course, not to know who your parents and ancestors are is still a pretty horrible thing in China.  So what is actually happening when these irresponsible asshole turtles are waddling off to sea is the abandonment of their children.  But on TV, in places like Malaysia, there are always crowds of people standing about saying things like "Aren't they cute?"  etc., etc.  Cute, my ass.  The Chinese have a saying: "kill the monkey to frighten the chickens."  If people would shoot every third turtle abandoning their children, I'm sure the rest of these idiot parent-turtles would get the message and show some responsibility.


And don't even get me started on the fucking shark lobby.  Every time some vicious shark rips off somebody's arm or leg immediately the apologists come out of the woodwork and start babbling about how rare such attacks are and how the poor creatures are just misunderstood.  Rare, my ass.  Methinks sea world-type parks are paying off these experts so that people won't be put off by the true nature of sea creatures.  No racial or pelagic profiling, don't you know?  And just because I'm writing about sea turtles while on a speed pill and a bit of Wild Turkey and may be just a tad paranoid at the moment does not invalidate my argument.  Right?  Right?!


And of course then there are pandas.  Not evil just booooring.  I mean, come on, even children can't stand watching a panda chew on mulberry leaves for more than a few minutes before they want to get back to the internet.  It is adults who push their kids to zoos.






OK, once again after several more people have lost hands and feet, etc., to these loathsome creatures of the deep, the shark lobby has come out with their sob stories about how endangered these lovely sweet sharks really are and how they didn't mean it and how they had terrible childhoods and how terrible it is that so many of them end up in Chinese shark's fin soup.


But, get this, they have a new angle.  They have gotten several of the victims of shark attacks to line up and give talks in defense of sharks.  Talk about the Stockholm Patty Hearst Syndrome.  This must be the Shark's Fin Syndrome.  According to their statistics, there have been "57 unprovoked shark attacks" last year or in the last two years or whatever.  But get this: they didn't say 57 shark attacks; they said unprovoked shark attacks.  That suggests that there are other attacks by sharks in which they were provoked; in which they the sharks were the victims.  (These guys should work for the Muslim-as-victim lobby.)  Are they seriously saying that some shark attacks were provoked?!  I mean who on this planet would be nutty enough to provoke a fucking shark into attacking?  No, I mean besides Aussies. 


So some tattooed, thick-necked, muscle-bound guy from Brooklyn or the Bronx or Flatbush goes out on his surfboard waiting to catch the next wave in and he spots a shark and he says Hey, asshole, get the fuck out of the way, I saw this wave first!  And you even think about taking a piece out of my board and you'll be shark's fin soup faster than you can say I Love Great White!  Or maybe the guys says, Hey, you lookin' at me!?  Yeah, you!  Who the fuck you lookin at?! 


And the pissed off, insulted shark charges and the guy loses a foot but the shark gets slugged in the nose.  The shark, mortified and embarrassed and with his nose hurting like hell swims off and the guy who lost a foot gets recruited by the shark lobby to defend these creatures.  I don't know, man, I like to think of myself as a sweetheart of a guy.  But some shark takes a bite out of me, I hope nobody is dumb enough to try to recruit me to speak well of the slimy, big-tooth bastards; he might end up as shark bait.