Now we all know the Bangkok Post isn't much of a newspaper.  It got down on its knees to Taksin a few years back, there is no genuine investigative journalism


 allowed, and letters against Islam and fanatical Islamic columnists are seldom printed nor are adherents of other faiths allowed to have their own columns.  I could


 go on.  But the wannabe newspaper has to fill its pages somehow so  why not do it with absolute silliness and clichés about Caucasian men who prefer Asian


 women?  Good idea, thought the cosmopolites at the Post, after all, white heterosexual males are about the last people in the world we can get away with insulting


 without blowback (sorry, CIA term, I meant to say "feedback").   I  don't have the article in front of me but the complaint was from a very Westernized Korean woman


 from Scandinavia or something like that.  In any case, she and her boyfriend now live in Thailand. 


The article/interview was the usual cliched garbage one hears not from real Asian women but from those brought up abroad.  Gadzooks!  There are men out there


 who prefer Asian women!  Isn't that horrible!  Isn't that, well, racist or misogynistic or capitalist or lubricious or something?  Shouldn't that be some kind of felony?


 Shouldn't men who prefer Asian women be forced to endure several sessions of some kind of Ophra Winfrey political correctness classes for wayward males?


 Now I am not going to make fun of this woman.  Well, OK, that's a lie; I am going to make fun of her but especially her Western boyfriend and you will see why.  Here


 is the excerpt from the article:


"I am approached by strangers on an almost daily basis, mainly farang, but some Thais as well. Yes, we are talking about Rice Fever, aka Yellow Fever in less politically correct times. This strange virus seems to strike everywhere in Bangkok in shopping malls, cafes and on buses and trains.

Symptoms of Yellow Fever: The patient lapses into delirium.  I can only agree with that. What else would make a 60-something-year-old man come up to me and even think he has a chance of getting some action.  Although the disease still occurs, it is usually confined to sporadic outbreaks.  True again, since I have only discovered this peculiar behaviour in Thailand...


My boyfriend has his own take: ''It's hard to have an Asian-looking girlfriend in Thailand because most of the guys living in Asia seem to have 'Yellow Fever', so my girlfriend gets hit on a lot. However, sometimes it is very good. When shopping, for example, we pay local rates, and we get better tables at restaurants. But I don't like it when people think of me as just another loser farang with a cute Asian girlfriend.''



You gotta love 'em, right?  But, starting with the boyfriend, you gotta admire his deep concern that people will think of him as "just another loser farang with a cute Asian girlfriend."  So, in other words, he can have an Asian girlfriend (sorry, but I didn't find her "cute" in the picture and am amazed if she is approached at all in the Land of Beautiful Women, but I digress) and that is no problem.  But if you or I have one, well, gosh dang it all, we are just "loser farangs."  What distinguishes this moro- sorry, I mean, young man from us is not quite clear to me - other than the fact that he is obviously a purblind, hypocritical, mongoloid clusterfuck with his head so far up his pussy-whipped, politically correct ass he needs a glass belly button to see out.  I only wish he would sit down with Khun Nana for a few beers; Khun Nana would no doubt help him get his shit together.


But moving on to the complaints of his "cute" Asian chick who causes men like us to lapse into bouts of delirium.   First, let me say I do have a bit of sympathy for her position.  I have had various Asian girlfriends/wives/mistresses/dominatrixes/slaves/concubines/minor wives/fiancees/friends,giks, etc. etc., since college days and believe me that was waaay back when.  Probably during the reign of Rama I.  (When I first came to Thailand the tram was still running and the King's Anthem was played after the movie and the tallest structure in the city was me.)  But I have had them in other countries as well and yes it is possible that men approach them as they certainly approached my beautiful Korean girlfriend in the States.  But mature women know how to deal with it, and for them it is not a big deal.  I will not point the finger at any group except to say that being approached by an obnoxious drunken male or obnoxious gentleman from the subcontinent or the Middle East is not fun for any woman.  Point taken.   I almost never approached strange women to chat, certainly not in the street, or subway, etc.  And I have seen black guys in NY subways take advantage of their race by saying to a black girl, "Hi, sister, how you doing tonight?" or some such.   They were not rude but they were putting the black woman on the spot.  If she doesn't answer she is being stuckup and if she does it may be because she doesn't want to seem stuckup to a black guy.   These guys played the race card against their own race!  Just to increase their odds of getting laid!  Not bad!


The one time I remember approaching a woman I believed to be Chinese was at a book fair where dealers and fans and writers talk to one another anyway.  I was living in the States then and I said something like: "Excuse me, I lived in Hong Kong for 17 years and I'd like to make a stab at your background."  And then I began bullshitting about how I believed her grandmother was most likely from southern China and spoke Taechew (chaochou hua), probably near the Pearl River delta, her grandfather was from Shanghai, probably a businessman, both fled to Taiwan with Chiang Kai-shek in 1948 where your parents were born; and you were born in the States.  How'd I do?"  Needless to say, I was wrong on just about every point, but she laughed and - here is what counts - she felt no threat.  So women do have the right to feel wary about strange men approaching them, especially if the guy doesn't have a funny opening line.  Or if he's not a strikingly handsome son of a bitch like me.


Having said that, sweetie, even at my age I do get action (as you so sweetly and euphemistically refer to doing the nasty).  So don't write us old guys off just because of our age.  I'll match my bedroom techniques against those of your boyfriend anytime.   Don't you know the Chinese master Tung-Hsuan spoke of nine ways of moving the jade stalk and six ways of penetration?  Yes, sweetheart, as in 'pushing the jade stalk down and letting it move to and fro over the lute strings like a saw.'   And if you read the six ways of penetration you are undoubtedly familiar with sex positions such as  'wailing monkey embracing a tree,' 'phoenix sporting in the cinnabar crevice,' 'donkeys in the third moon of spring.'   Now I'm willing to bet dollars to dildos your nerdy boyfriend never tried anything like that with you, did he now?  When it comes to pushing aside the Jade Gate and entering into the Cave of the White Tiger, well, not to seem immodest, but I have yet to be surpassed.  And when it comes to Yellow Fever I am the fucking prototype


As a kid I was crazy about American Indian women and lived in Blackfoot, Idaho.  Those high cheekbones, so high they had icicles on them, the brothel brown skin, the almond eyes, that smoldering glance, that svelte, petite figure, oh yeah.  In cowboy and Indian movies, I always routed for the Indians.  And then I learned about the Bering Strait once having been a land mass so that Mongols, Korean-types, etc., most likely crossed over from Russia to Alaska (yes, that's right, sweetie, the place where the bimbo Palin recently imploded) and on to populate the Americas.  And then when I was eleven years old I saw the Thai women in The Bridge on the River Kwai and that did it for me.  But before you jump to the conclusion that I like passive, obedient Asian women, I would invite you to meet my Cantonese ex-wife.  Or my friend who had a bandaged hand and when I asked why he said "When your Thai wife comes at you with a knife, don't try to stop it by grabbing the blade."


But let us see this subject in a bit of historical perspective.   First of all, in Chinese history, the great first emperor is known as the "Yellow Emperor."  Why?  I haven't the foggiest.  Nor does anyone else.  But I would be willing to bet that it has to do with the fact that he himself was crazy about Asian women.  I mean, they didn't call him the Black or Brown or White emperor, right?  So, in your terms, he had been struck with Yellow Fever


OK, moving up a few millennia,  what did Marco Polo have to say about the Chinese courts that he visited?   Especially the women of Hangchow: 

 “These women are extremely accomplished in the arts of allurement, and readily adapt their conversations to all sorts of persons, insomuch that strangers who have once tasted their attractions, seem to get so bewitched, and are so taken with their blandishments and their fascinating ways that they never can get these out of their heads.” 

Worse yet (or, better yet, depending upon one’s point of view), even the emperors themselves were often much distracted by the beauty of their women.  Again, from Marco in Hangchow:  “The people of this land were anything rather than warriors; all their delight was in women, and naught but women, and so it was above all with the king himself, for he took thought of nothing else but women....”  So, sweetie, if Asian men themselves are so bewitched by Asian women as to neglect the empire, then, if they have their hand in the (fortune) cookie jar, why can't the rest of us?

"Strange virus" indeed, sweetie.  But it has been a virus spreading unabated for millennia and is quite natural.  And, believe it or not, real Asian women are often flattered that farang guys like them.  So try not to come unglued, OK?

I rest my case.